How I’ve been able to reflect and rethink these first impressions of college life
All my life I’ve been dreaming about starting college. I’ve spent years imagining myself living on campus and eagerly waiting for the independence I knew I would find wherever I ended up. The possibilities have always felt endless, which is what drove me to start school in a new state, away from everything familiar. I’ve been here two months now, and every day I think about the fact that I’m realizing my younger self’s dreams. But the reality doesn’t look exactly like what I always envisioned, and I’m still learning how to navigate this during my freshman year.
I spent most of my first few weeks at college crying on the floor, figuratively and literally. I felt so isolated and alone. I went to welcome events and met new people, but I felt like none of it was clicking. I just kept hoping for something exciting to happen that would make me suddenly love it here. In my mind, I was waiting for a spark. I was waiting for the college experience everyone talks about – the fun, crazy nights with my new forever friends.
Two months in, I don’t think it’s happened yet, but I’m not waiting anymore. I’m trying to let go of the idea that everything will align right away and instead finding opportunities to have fun and try new things. I set such high standards for my college experience and I was continually disappointed by my failure to meet them. I’ve been feeling stuck wishing I could go back to how things used to be. Wishing I could go home, but deciding not to book a bus ticket because I know I wouldn’t want to come back. This isn’t at all what I envisioned these four years would look like, but I know at some point it will get better. So now I’m letting go of this idea of perfection. Moving to a new state with new people and new academic struggles isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to be an opportunity to grow.
Instead of trying to bottle up my homesickness and loneliness, I’m learning to appreciate it and acknowledge all the things from home that continue to be on my mind. I miss the ease of my highschool friendships and nights spent at each other’s houses. I miss having my parents around to help me whenever things got hard. I miss home cooked meals and my full size bed. I miss the familiarity of knowing everyone and them knowing me. I miss walking outside and already knowing everything about the places around me. I even miss my siblings hogging the bathroom. But I’ve also been thinking about how lucky I am because I have all these beautiful things to miss.
For each thing I feel like I’ve lost, I try to reflect on something I’ve gained. I get to be on a beautiful campus where I can study right by the lake and listen to the gentle crash of the waves. I get to walk along State Street and window shop, try new cafes, and go out for fun nights. I get to learn things I’m actually interested in with people who care about them just as much as I do. I get to meet people who’ve never been in a Caribou Coffee and who have grocery store chains I’ve never even heard of. I get to learn who I am as an independent person and explore what makes me happy. I get to experience all the world has to offer, and then I’ll get to come home to the place I love for the holidays. And when I think about all these things, I think maybe four years here won’t be so bad after all.