The truth behind the tutus and pointe shoes
Growing up, almost everyday of my life was spent in the dance studio. If I wasn’t at school or home, it was a given that I was at a rehearsal. Now that I no longer dance, I often sit back and reflect on my time in the dance environment.Â
When you grow up in the dance world, you think most of what you see is normal. If you’ve seen the reality show, Dance Moms, you likely think it shows an extreme and often fabricated side of the dance world. As much as I hate to say it, the show wasn’t always so far off from reality. The competitive nature, body shaming, constant injuries, and bad mouthing of students from teachers and peers were all common occurrences during my dance experience that sometimes made me dread stepping foot in the studio.Â
When I was young and first starting out in dance, I primarily did ballet. I was growing up in Singapore at the time, and I was being taught by professional French instructors, which made things extra competitive when I returned to dance at my local YMCA in rural Iowa. I never thought I was above anyone else, but when I started getting parts over the other girls my age, talk spread amongst my peers. People were upset at me for taking “their spots.” I started to feel uncomfortable, and it was clear people weren’t happy for others when they would get a part over them. Much of the dance world revolved around jealousy, and I noticed myself getting sucked down the same hole with the other girls as we grew older.Â
During my many years in dance, I remember constantly being told to suck my stomach in, stand with your back straight, and my favorite being “don’t make your jump sound like you just ate an entire bag of doritos.” Now every time I pass a mirror, I’m conscious of those comments. Is my stomach sticking out? Am I slouching? Does my walk sound like I’ve just eaten an entire bag of Doritos? It’s a hard image to escape when you grew up in an environment where you were constantly standing in front of a mirror often having your flaws pointed out to you in front of others. It’s something you never truly let go of.Â
I remember dancing with girls who were constantly injured, but we were all told that dance waited for no one. You broke your ankle? Well, you better still be dancing. Feeling sick? Suck it up and get out on the floor. This is a mentality I still carry with me to this day. I grew up being taught that rest days are for the weak and you just need to learn to suffer through the pain whether mental or physical. It’s just life and dance will fix that, but dance never did fix it.Â
Of everything I experienced in the dance world, the one that sticks out to me the most was during a rehearsal for a dance competition. During rehearsal, my teacher paused the entire rehearsal to tell me how pathetic I was for not being able to kick my leg up as high as she wanted. The lecture continued for minutes. It started with me, and then turned into pointing out every other member’s weaknesses one-by-one. Some of the girls left in tears. This was nothing new for many of us, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Growing up with criticisms like these has made me incredibly sensitive to any form of criticism.Â
While I am grateful for my time in the dance world and for many of the lessons and people it brought into my life, I am also glad to be done with it. I no longer have to enter any studio where I feel scared about what is going to be said to me or others that day. Dance is a beautiful art and a great way for many people to express themselves and their creativity, but unfortunately, so many of those good aspects get overshadowed by the negatives. I often miss the good parts of dance while pushing the negative aspects aside; however, since leaving home and coming to college, I have come to realize it’s okay to miss something while understanding you shouldn’t subject yourself to those same experiences again.