It’s now the Holiday season, which means lots of family togetherness and Christmas feels. If you’re a Bitter Girl, this is one of your least favorite times of the year. Here are some ways to deal with the stress you may face this December.
1. Cuffing season is overrated: While your friends may feel the need to seek warmth in the arms of another person, a true Bitter Girl doesn’t need anyone to get her through the long, dark winter. Why weigh yourself down with another person and their issues when you can enjoy Netflix, Duck Donuts, listening to Drake alone, and the warmth of your bed with no strings attached?
2. Talking to Relatives: Ah yes, the public interview about your life with people who you thankfully only see once or twice a year. Whenever a relative tries to criticize your lifestyle, go on full attack mode and be more savage. “You’re right, Aunt Sally, I still don’t have a boyfriend. And you still don’t have a husband.” “Yes, I have gained weight, cousin. Thanks for noticing! I also noticed that your hairline is receding and you still don’t have a steady job!” “No, Uncle Larry, I don’t know what I’m going to do with that liberal arts degree. Do you know what you’re going to do after your divorce?” For even more brutal comebacks, try searching #thanksgivingclapback on twitter. If you snap at them enough, your relatives will know not to ask you about your life.
3. Childhood “magic” of Christmas: Now that the whole Santa charade has been blown out of the water, some things about Christmas may have lost their luster. The worst part of this is constantly beating yourself up for actually believing in a fat man who soared around the globe with magical reindeer to deliver gifts to every single child in the world (except for the poor children, of course. C’mon Santa.) On the plus side, now that you don’t have to worry about the Naughty and Nice List, you’re free to indulge in the real joys of Christmas; eggnog and a lot of it.
4. Starbucks Christmas Cups: Just no. You don’t care at all about a red cup, so if anyone tries to bring this up, just punch them in the face and walk away.
5. Holiday Shopping: It’s time to strap on your survival vest and stock up on snacks, water, and oh so much patience. If you plan on doing your Christmas shopping in any major commercial area get ready for long lines, noisy crowds, and worn out salespeople. However, a bitter girl like yourself has a low tolerance for social interaction and materialistic garbage so you’ll undoubtedly beat the crowds by staying at home in bed and ordering all of your gifts on Amazon. Let’s be honest. Your picky sister is just going to pretend to love whatever you buy her anyway. This way you force her to fake her enthusiasm without the option to return your gift for store credit.
6. Unnecessary Holiday Text Messages: *Beep beep beep* Oh look, it’s the annual barrage of half-hearted holiday text messages from the people you never talk to. Is she really wishing you a Merry Christmas after subtweeting you all last week? Let’s be honest, that “Happy Hannukah” text from that random kid is high school is probably a veiled attempt to seem culturally inclusive. And you know that if you’re black you’re gonna get at least one random Kwanzaa message from that guy who’s “totally not racist”. You might be tempted to call them out on their faux merriment, but you’ll settle for texting back, “new phone. who dis?”
7. Too Many Christmas Songs: Is it really too much to ask to be able to go anywhere without hearing Christmas songs 24/7? Yes, everyone can appreciate “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” the first time around, but for the store to play every song a billion times when you’re just trying to buy paper towels is crossing the line. And don’t even get started about the “adorable” songs sung by little kids with extremely high pitched, eardrum-shattering voices. But the worst song of all is Alivin and the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Don’t be Late”. Anyone who tells you different is lying to themselves.
8. Mistletoe: Oh, yay! We have to kiss because a plant told us to! There’s nothing weird about this at all! If anyone tries to kiss you and you’re not feeling it, take a deep breath, say no, and quote this 1990s Batman line:
9. Holiday Travel: You’re not fooled by those feel-good movies where a devoted family member goes through hell and high water to get home for the Holidays. Why do the people in these movies always wait until the last minute to fly home to an extremely snowy region of the country? There’s no way you would ever put yourself through such a hassle to get home to your annoying family (yes, you love them but…).If you ever find yourself in that situation, you’ll resolve to do what you do best, huddle next to the only available outlet in the airport terminal because your smartphone is your true family.
10. Christmas Movies: You don’t mind Christmas movies: your favorite part in A Christmas Story isn’t the classic leg lamp scene but rather when that one kid gets his tongue stuck on the freezing cold pole. Unlike Ralphie, you would have gladly admitted to being behind that. But it seems that every time you actually like a character, they change for the worse at the end. The Grinch? His heart grows two sizes. Scrooge? Vows to help Tiny Tim and keep Christmas in his heart all year long. At least you have the melting scene in Frosty the Snowman to keep your bitter heart all icy cold.
11. Peppermint Everything: Ugh peppermint, the pumpkin spice of winter. #tbt to the Bitter Girl’s Guide to Fall, amirite. And yes, we just shamelessly plugged an older article.
12. Ugly Christmas Sweaters: Finally, a holiday trend you agree with.