The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming, and tours are here. Yes, springtime is in the air at William and Mary! If you’re a Bitter Girl, this means that you might be questioning your existence. Yes, the warm weather is making you feel very optimistic and maybe a little bit basic but here are some things to remind you to stay true to your bitter roots.
1. Allergies
As a Bitter Girl you’re allergic to a lot of things (stupid people, inconsiderate professors, lame trends, etc), but spring allergies bring your tolerance for the world to a whole new low. You protected yourself from the flu by simply avoiding other germy people (a skill that you’ve long perfected), but how can you silently judge people when you’re too busy sneezing and rubbing your watery eyes? At this point you’re not sure what’s worse, the fine layer of green death that’s covering everything or listening to some gross dufus tell you for the umpteenth time that when you think about it, you’re actually inhaling tree sperm. If only you could overcome your seasonal weakness, a pollen smoke bomb would be the perfect device to aid in your escape from irritating people, awkward conversations, and adult responsibilities alike. But for now, you’ll just have to muddle through, a bottle of Zyrtec in one hand, a box of tissues in the other, and a deep dislike of nature throughout your being.
2. Internship season
Imagine the most awkward date you’ve ever been on. Insert some pointless questions, fumbled answers, and empty promises. Multiply everything by the $0 you’ll be making that summer and you’ll get your chances of actually scoring that summer internship you’ve been pining over for months. To be clear, there’s no such thing as a “dream internship”. In fact the application process itself is enough to leave you with nightmares. It’s time-consuming, grueling, and demoralizing, but essential if you ever want to have a favorable career. Not only do employers expect you to be able to do the impossible (must have 5+ years of experience and a working knowledge of advanced nuclear physics in order to make copies at this unpaid internship) but when all is said and done, you’ll find yourself calling and emailing your interviewer begging for an answer because, like your awkward date, they’re just not that into you.
3. Fitspiration
Once the weather gets warmer, you realize the tragic truth that you can no longer hide yourself behind the comfy baggy sweater and leggings combo. Warm weather means that summer is right around the corner, which means that bathing suit season is rapidly approaching. The last time you checked, a bathing suit body is just a bathing suit on somebody’s body, but if, like us, you’ve been hibernating all winter and just ate your body weight in some type of candy or cookies, you will probably feel some sort of pressure to start eating healthy and going to the rec more. The gym can be intimidating, so keep that resting bitch face strong and your workout playlist loud as you head into the rec while actually listening to One Direction and secretly googling “how to build up to a push up” on your phone. Fuel your jealousy of the students who are fitness-model caliber into a productive workout. We recommend a Body Combat class so you can pretend you’re punching all the Sadler tablers who try to approach you. As for diet, wine is made from grapes, so it definitely counts as a fruit.
4. Spring clothing
Just as you’re starting to get used to the stereotypical fall wardrobe of leggings and a flannel, you finally find yourself bombarded with super happy women on tv and in magazines flitting around in the “latest spring styles”. If you bothered to wear sundresses you’d be thrilled, but in reality floral print makes you queasy and you wouldn’t trade your Uggs for a pair of sandals no matter how chic they are. The Bitter Girl within you adamantly objects to the idea of purchasing a whole new wardrobe simply because some two-bit “fashionista” declares that sea-foam green is the new magenta is the new blood orange. Let them keep their sun hats and skirts, you’ll be just fine in your sweats and comfy hoodie all year long. Plus new sundresses means shaving your legs, which is way too much effort for one girl to handle.
5. Tourists
One of the perks about winter is that tourists are apparently cold-blooded. It is a proven fact that if a tourist travels to Williamsburg, they have a 75% more chance of dying in the cold since their bodies depend on the temperature to survive (thank you, GER 2B class for that fact!). Once springtime hits the burg, “downtown” Williamsburg becomes susceptible once more to the plague of people who don’t know how to manage confusion corner (JAMESTOWN ROAD WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY, STOP MESSING THIS UP). The most dreaded group of all: school groups of middle schoolers who will make fun of you. These BRAND clad children are looking for someone to judge (but not in a fun way like you do, of course). Do not show any sign of vulnerability or they will attack you with the same verocity as twamps waiting for Swem to open during finals. Maintain eye contact, back away slowly, and take pride in the fact that anyone who peaks in middle school is destined to have a pretty sucky life.
6. Tour Groups
Spring and college tour season go together like you and judging people. All you are trying to do is print something out on the first floor of Swem, but that requires deftly maneuvering around the 5000 high schoolers and their parents as they observe twamps in their natural habitat. You can’t help but identify with the surly younger siblings who are stuck spending their spring break touring colleges. Like them, you would much rather be anywhere but Swem. You just want to get around this herd, but they are moving so slowly so you have no choice but to listen to the tour guide. Try to restrain yourself from shouting “LIES” as the tour guide praises the quality of Sodexo’s food and from shouting “YOU WILL PROBABLY GET STUCK IN THE UNITS OR BOTETOURT” when they show the potential freshmen a nice, air conditioned room in Jefferson. As tempting as it may be, don’t drive past a tour group screaming “NERRRRRRDS”. You don’t want to corrupt the innocent optimism of these potential baby griffins, so keep your mouth shut and let their freshman year do that for you.
7. Finals
Just no. Not going to talk about this.