As February 14th rapidly approaches (and by rapidly I mean you obviously need to start preparing weeks in advance or everyone will hate you and all of your seemingly happy relationships will be doomed), you’ll see many articles, lists, blog posts, columns, videos, tweets, “how-to” tutorials, etc., on this subject. They will say things like:
- “How to CORRECTLY wear red and pink on V-day: All You Need to Know About V-day Style”
- “69 Ways to Impress your Lover on Valentine’s Night”
- “Single on Valentine’s Day DUN, DUN, DUN: Can You Survive?”
- “Cutesy Wootsy Cliché and Boring Valentine’s Date Ideas.”
Or, you’ll see articles geared towards the seemingly oh-so-hopeless male species, such as:
- “11 Sensual Valentine’s Day Ideas” in which AskMen.com suggests things like, “a warm bath” (um…not sexy, just weird).
- “Gifts For Your Girl on Valentine’s Day” listing original presents such as chocolate, flowers, jewelry, dinner & perfume (Thinkin’ outside the box, boys! Girls love this kind of creativity. It makes us feel special!).
This is not one of those articles. Some might think, however, that although it isn’t like the aforementioned ridiculous titles, it is one of those “O.MG. Valentine’s Day is Stupid and it Sucks” kind of articles. They might be right. Though I do hope that this article leans more towards an “Even Though I Think Valentine’s Day is Awkward and Overhyped, Its OK to Do/Feel Whatever/However You Want Without Going Crazy About it/Needing to Explain Yourself” vibe rather than a “You Should/Should Not Feel This Way About V-Day”, love-bashing vibe. Though, I do like that the anti-Valentine’s Day pieces do at least stray from the commercialized, unrealistic and demanding sexual/romantic expectations of the holiday. They reveal that even though it feels like these expectations are the norm, they’re not. People feel inadequate trying to live up to an ideal they think everyone else achieves. In reality no one does, or expects, half of the sh*t we’re told we’re supposed to do as a man or a woman on Valentine’s Day. So, if this article resembles the typical anti-Valentine’s day article, I’m ok with it. They make me want to punch something less than those articles that reinforce and perpetuate dated, sexist, stereotypical ideals. Thus, if you’re looking for “Valentine’s Day Tips” or “Know Your Duty as a Girlfriend: What Men Want, V-day Edition”, you might want to look elsewhere (and you won’t even have to go far…at all).
In addition to an overabundance of literary pieces dedicated to the subject (oops), you’ll also get e-mails about Valentine’s Day specials on expensive lingerie, couple spa packages, and weekend getaways. Every pharmacy or grocery store will be decked out in heart-shaped decorations immediately following New Years Eve. All of this signifies the supposed importance of making this date special. Not only does this marketing scheme sell you on the existence of a “perfect” Valentine’s Day, but it also sells you a particular type of perfect and the things you “need” to buy in order to achieve it. Most Valentine’s Day expectations are extremely gendered and almost exclusively targeted toward straight couples. This might send a message that other types of relationships aren’t as legitimate. It could marginalize certain people who don’t fit the requirements of this perfect Valentine’s Day that’s constantly drilled into our brains. What is this idea? The perfect Valentine’s Day requires being sweet and romantic, but also sexy and seductive. You should do something very special and elaborate for Valentine’s Day but also should focus on simply enjoying the love you have in your life. You should dedicate time, thought, and money into love-themed gifts, decorations and food, without upstaging your partner’s effort, or appearing like you tried too hard. It’s all in your day’s work as a romantic, sexual, domestic goddess.
I like to bake, I have a Pinterest board titled, “Crafts/DIY”; I can hem jeans and hang up picture frames. So, one might think that making a glittery, lacy, heart-shaped pop-up card or box, or whatever, would be my thing. But really, why should I spend my time and money to make something that won’t really be appreciated? Obviously, your guy is gonna cherish a nice hand-made Valentine’s Day craft/gift forever, because pink hearts are like, guy’s favorite things in the entire world…But really, all that hard work for a “thanks babe…” as you watch your masterpiece be tossed aside and quickly forgotten? No thanks. I might stick some red and pink M&M’s in some brownies or something but, come on, some of this stuff is just ridiculous. And for the guys, no Valentine’s Day is complete without jewelry-expensive jewelry. Diamond commercials will advertise “personalized couples jewelry” and say, “don’t forget, Valentine’s Day is February 14th!” and “HE WENT TO JARED!” Ugh. its like, no, he didn’t. He probably did forget that Valentine’s Day is February 14th and on February 13th at 11:59pm paced the aisle of Walgreens, where he found that silver-plated, cubic zirconia heart necklace, in a desperate attempt to prove himself as worthy of your love and affection. A Valentine’s Day phobia seems almost natural when every company is promoting an exclusive idea of the perfect Valentine’s Day, taking advantage of any anxiety, expectations or confusion you may have. The perfect Valentine’s Day is more than just useless gifts and hallmark cards though. We’re being sold on the existence of an ideal romantic experience with specific, profit-building, celebratory requirements.
One of these typical requirements (and a boost for the restaurant industry) is going out to eat on Valentine’s Day. Sure, a relaxing evening out is a nice gesture (if you were able to get a decent reservation by calling a month in advance). But in reality, it’s disappointing and awkward. The service usually sucks and restaurants are crowded with cutesy (or not) couples. Everyone knows why you are there, “celebrating your love” or whatever. Regardless of what other people think, going out to dinner on V-day is still awkward. If you’re in a relationship in which the L-bomb hasn’t been dropped, celebrating a holiday smothered in sentiment about being in LOVE is awkward. Even if you do love your partner and it’s actually “serious”, the overkill environment makes you nervous anyway. If you haven’t been out with the person that many times, or if, (my condolences to you) some weirdo thought it would be romantic to have your first date on Valentine’s Day…oh, it’s gonna get weird, real weird…and uncomfortable.
Even if you skip the dinner date, celebrating or simply acknowledging the existence of Valentine’s Day with your partner might result in some lovey-dovey feelings talk that you probably have to reciprocate. It’s romantic and sweet you say? Telling someone how you feel on a day dedicated to this expression isn’t awkward, but special? Its awkward because its forced and expected, with propaganda of the “Perfect Valentine’s Day” leering at you from the eyes of an oversized red teddy-bear wearing a diamond ring (I’m not even gonna start on the the clichéd Valentine’s Day engagement…no offense). In fact, even ‘Guide to Williamsburg’ has its own idea of how to celebrate Valentine’s Day (by being a tourist of course). The site invites you to plan a romantic “holiday” in the burg…after all, “Virginia is for lovers” …right? Not really. But seriously, check it out: http://www.guidetowilliamsburg.com/valentines/
Now that this website got the humor portion of this article out of the way (better late than never), I can return to being rant-y and pessimistic. Of course, Valentine’s Day can be fun and light-hearted and even intimate and special. You may not care at all about gender stereotypes or meaningless expectation, and really want to please your partner regardless. Maybe you embrace all the hype without letting it overwhelm you because you actually enjoy the process of finding cards, candy, lingerie, planning parties, surprises, etc. Maybe you’re not as awkward as I am (the odds are in your favor) and you enjoy expressing your emotions, so that on Valentine’s Day you do it because you want to, not because it’s what you think you’re supposed to do. Valentine’s day can be something to look forward to if you’re into these kinds of things. If you’re not, it can add unnecessary complications and stress to our already confusing, hectic, and since we go to W&M, probably awkward, lives.
Just because I don’t like Valentine’s Day for these reasons, that doesn’t mean I need to freak out about it. I don’t need to hide in shame under my covers for the first two weeks of February because I’m not everything Victoria Secret and Martha Stewart tell me I should be. I can only feel shame if I internalize these ideals in the first place.
There are reasons to enjoy Valentine’s Day, reasons to dread it, and reasons to be completely indifferent. It becomes a problem when we make it one. Its just not ok that people are truly feeling inferior because of this dumb sh*t we’re told over and over again until we actually come to believe it. We allow Valentine’s Day to be this huge deal by continuing to accept archaic expectations that don’t actually exist and forgetting to step back from the hype and realize that none of it actually matters until we give it that meaning.
It probably wouldn’t hurt to do a little self-reflection; looking inward for once to figure out what it is that we truly believe and feel, what we want from ourselves, and most importantly, what makes us happy. Instead of relying on every thing and everyone else to tell us what is so, and then getting lost in the answer, we can create meanings that actually work for us. So the next time you come across titles such as:
- “EMERGENCY: How to Find a Date the Day Before Valentine’s Day”
- “Every Man’s Dream: Lady in the Streets, Freak in the Sheets”
- “The Alpha Male Guide to Seducing a Woman”
- “1,000 Ways to Make a Heart-Shaped Card with Felt and Glitter”
- “Do’s and Don’ts of V-day: Its Make it or Break it”
- “The Lingerie He Wants to See You Wear”
They will not cause you to panic, question and hate yourself, but rather, you’ll experience freedom from these generic expectations and brush them off as ridiculous. You won’t internalize them and you won’t accept a relationship that does either.