We all have those mornings where we wake up and think, “Today is the day that I’m going to turn my life around.” You get out of bed, make it immediately, and are on your way to a Pinterest perfect lifestyle. Whether it’s sending your resume to E! (your only job experience is Olive Garden), quitting smoking, or finally changing your cat’s litter box, nothing is coming in between you and your biggest dreams.
The day is going great. Sent resume? Check. Quit smoking? Check. Clean litter? Okay, that can wait a day or seven. Now what? I guess I could make a list of my weekly goals over a quick lunch break. Shoot…lunch! How could I forget about dieting during my road to a better me? Greek Yogurt with a side of spinach leaves it is.
Sipping on my chilled cucumber and lemon water, I begin to ponder over my future and what’s really important in life, which leads to a few Pinterest searches— “ Six pack in six days”, “ How to lose weight but still eat pizza”, and “Kimye pictures.” Wow, all of this talk about living better is really putting an emotional toll on me and I think I’m getting hungry again. YOU ARE NOT HUNGRY. YOU ARE BORED. DO AN ACTIVITY. Okay, maybe I’m just bored and need to do an activity. Ah, I got it! I’ll do a Zumba video. Burning calories without leaving your living room and you don’t even realize you’re working out, what could be better!?
I’ll tell you what could be better, not listening to Pitbull for an hour. Why did I think it would be a good idea to break a sweat in my non-air conditioned apartment? Not only do I need a shower, but now I’m incredibly hungry. A little snack after a workout never killed anyone. The options are slim, an apple..chicken pot pies..and what do we have here? Left over pizza. Well, there’s only one logical pick here and that’s obviously the left over pizza. The guilt is killing me though. This day has been going so well. I swear my chin looks skinnier already. I’ve once hear, “My mind is tellin’ me nooooo, but my body, my body is tellin’ me yesssss.” Thankfully R-Kelly is so inspiring. Mind is made up, I’m eating the pizza.
Guilt. I knew it. Complete guilt. Sure, I might be picking the pizza particles out of my molars and eating them, but I swear I don’t feel good about it. This was not on the “Six pack in six days” agenda. How am I supposed to track this in my calorie counting app? I can’t let MyFitnessPal down, not after all we’ve been through today. What was I thinking that I could diet without one last final day of eating like the guy from Man vs. Food? LIGHT BULB! Today will be the day I get everything out of my system. Binge eat all night and apologize to my roommates in advance for the health freak they’re about to live with for now on. Cheetos and chocolate milk today, ice water and kale chips tomorrow. Yeah, I’ll start tomorrow.