Que the Kim Kardashian ugly-crying face because “cuffing season” is officially over. The long winter months you spent curled up to your significant other are gone. As the temperature rises, your relationship falls and it turns out you are not the only one for him. Now, if you are one of those couples who will rise above the warm weather inevitable and stay together, then I truly applaud you. For the rest of us, lets prepare for the “I’m too busy” talks and get ready for the various stages of a break-up we are about to face.
This is the stereotypical break up scenario. At first, you both know it is for the best. Things haven’t been working out, so why stay together? Okay, I’m okay with this. I can be mature about this, right? Wrong. Depression sets in and you drive to the nearest drug store to get the essentials—The Notebook, a bottle of the ever so classy Arbor Mist sangria, Lay’s potato chips (maybe throw some flaming hot Cheetos in there because, why not?), and ice cream. You get to the “I waited for you for seven years” scene and decide to turn it off. There are just too many similarities between Noah and Allie’s love and your relationship. At this point, you finished your wine and already inhaled the chips, so the only logical thing to do is YouTube “sad songs.” That is literally what you search. You fall asleep singing along/ sobbing to Coldplay’s “Fix You.” This cycle continues for about two weeks until you decide to be spiteful and slide into someone’s DM’s.
Okay, so you were sad for about two weeks but now you know it is time to move on. The first thing you do is delete every single trace of him on your social media accounts because that will obviously help you forget him. Every single picture of your hang placed directly on his stomach with his arm around your waste—GONE. It is like he never even existed. The next thing you do is your hair, make-up, and get dressed for the first time in 2 weeks because you are going out! Just kidding, you are actually just making sure you look really good for the Instagram selfie you are about to take. 30 minutes of filtering and 100 likes later, you are feeling pretty good and decide to pack up all his shit. This is not only essential to a break-up, but also very strategic because you get to hit him with the “If you want your stuff back you can come and get it because I obviously don’t want it” text. Whether you are indeed trying to move-on or this is just an excuse to see him, it’s a win-win either way.
Okay, so at first the civil route sounded great, but you know what? It is a little too uneventful. You want to favorite a girl’s tweet only ONE MONTH after we broke up? Okay, if that’s how you want to do this. At this point, there is no turning back. It is time to get psycho. First thing is first, you must befriend your ex’s friends. Remember John? Or was it Justin? Yeah, you used to hate him because he would clown your boyfriend for being in a relationship. Well guess what? You are suddenly best friends. All of your weekend plans will now include him. All of his Instagram pictures will deserve a comment and his tweets will be so funny that you will retweet every single one of them. See John/Justin at a party? Guess who is going to be in your Snap Chat story for every one (your ex) to see? The psycho stage is also the stage where you somehow end up running errands in your ex’s neighborhood! It just so happens that these errands require you to drive past his house one or ten times a night. At the end of the day, you get drunk and send him about 42 texts and 20 missed calls following a “Just ignore everything I said” text the next morning.
The final stage of a break-up is acceptance. Sometimes it can be the hardest stage, but it is always the best. Through the tears, drunk texts, and sad songs, you finally realize it is really over. This part is never easy. It is about moving on and wishing nothing but the best for each other (or pretending to). No more driving past his house. Remove his Twitter account from your Internet homepage. Get real pajamas and stop sleeping in his T-shirts. In the end, you create your own happiness in life, a guy just adds to it. So, shave your legs, get dressed, and go out with your girlfriends. Your phone will be there to drunk text him later and before you know it, you won’t want to at all.