Heartbreak sucks. There’s no other way to slice it or dice it. There’s no avoiding heartbreak either. It’s one of those things that you dread and ultimately experience in life.
I remember watching romance movies as a kid and heartbreak is portrayed comically. There’s the heartbroken protagonist bawling to love songs in their city-apartment, the overstuffed box of kleenex with its tear-soaked, balled-up tissues strewn around the frame, then there’s the weird sitting positions… The heartbroken protagonists is usually sitting in one of two ways: wrapped in a big fuzzy blanket-cape or lying upside down with their legs propped against something (i.e. the back of a couch). I don’t know why there isn’t a third option but let’s just say that it adds to the ambience. We cannot forget the pint-sized tub of ice cream (usually chocolate-flavoured) – the temporary fix for the heartbreak – or the comfy pajamas that soak up all those annoying ice cream stains. Near the end of the scene, the loved ones make their awkward entrance, knock some sense into the teary-eyed protagonist and the sad montage comes to an end. C’est fini.Â
Why is the portrayal of heartbreak always the same? All of this lasts one scene and in the next, they’re a changed person – ready to take on the world yet again, thriving in their singlehood. Why can’t it be this easy in real life?Â
News flash: it’s not meant to be easy. That’s why we go through it. Stuff like this – uncomfortable and painful experiences – build character. You can let it harden you and fill you with resentment, or you can learn from it and be better than ever. Honestly, heartbreak is good for the plot!Â
Speaking of the plot, mine had a lil’ heartbreak in it a few months ago. Here’s what I learned:
The time after heartbreak is the best time to self-reflect.
It’s so common for people to end a relationship and then hop right into another. The thing is, there’s value to being single after a relationship – whether it was a 1 month relationship or one that spanned 5 wonderful years. I truly believe that the time after a breakup is the best time to reflect. What would you do differently the next time around? What were your strengths and shortcomings in your last relationship? How can you improve yourself as a person? There’s so much to consider and even more to work on.Â
Allow yourself to feel all the emotions and then once you’ve done that, put your head up, swipe on some mascara and get moving.
Take a page from your favorite rom-com protagonist and give yourself time to mope and feel all of the feels. When you’re in that state, you have to offer yourself all the comforts too – whether that be your chocolatiest ice cream, coziest pajamas, or your favorite people…. Just like the movie, this period is only temporary. Unlike the movie, you’re not going to have stage directions that guide you to the next scene; “EXIT MOPEY HEARTBREAK STATE – ENTER THRIVING SCENE”. There comes a time when you have to forcibly put your head up, wipe the tears away and put one foot in front of the other until you eventually become that new person, ready to take on the world again!
If you cared so much about the wrong person this much, imagine what it’ll be like to be with the right person!
This is a comforting one – and a self-explanatory one.Â
Revenge is tacky. Good living is where it’s at.
At some point in a breakup, whether it ends on great terms or bad terms (or a little bit of both and you somehow end up at your ex’s wedding), you might find yourself in a state of anger. It’s only normal. It’s part of the healing cycle. Through therapy, I’ve learned that anger is a defensive emotion. It protects you from other emotions (i.e. guilt, sadness, shame, hurt, etc.) If you’re angry, do not retaliate or act in anger. It won’t cure you of your pain. Know that you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone but yourself. Be the best version of yourself for yourself. There’s solace in becoming someone new – and being unrecognizable to those in your past. If you want revenge, just know that good living is the best revenge.
“When you know, you know.”Â
Sometimes, you don’t know either – and that’s okay. This saying is as beautiful as it is annoying. When you understand what that feeling of knowing is, it seems beautiful. When you’re trying to figure it out – I can assure you, it is annoying. Then again, that’s your answer right there. If you don’t know, then they may not be the one… If you’re having serious doubts or feeling anxiety regarding the person you’re with, they are definitely not the one. It’s a tough pill to swallow but it’s freeing once you commit.Â
You cannot change someone.
You cannot change someone – only they can choose to change. Let me repeat myself: only they can choose to change. It’s a wonderful thing to uplift your partner and support them in their respective journey, but if they’re unwilling to change, chances are they will remain the same forever. If you find yourself saying, “But I can change him…” No you can’t.Â
With that being said, you cannot mold someone into being your perfect person.Â
Being a hopeful person is a beautiful thing but it’s important to be honest with yourself about who someone truly is. Naivety is so last season. With that being said, don’t look at someone’s potential. Look at who they are in this moment and if you’re happy with that person – you’re set.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou
This quote completely changed my perspective on relationships of all kinds. It’s important to take people at face value. People know themselves best (unless they completely lack self awareness and operate in a state of delusion) so trust them when they tell you who they are. “You’re too good for me…” Sometimes, that’s foreshadowing and you are too good for them. Another aspect of this is intuition. Go with your intuition when you first meet someone. If you get a weird vibe from someone, trust it! Back in the day when we were hunters and gatherers, our intuition was what saved us from harm. It’s there to protect you.
Do not deviate from what you want.
What you want will find you – do not settle for any less! From my experiences, settling for anything less than what you deserve will take a hit at your self-esteem. In a way, it feels like you’re compromising yourself, as well as your desires, beliefs and values. Once your self-esteem takes a hit, it takes some time (and work) to build it back up again.
Patience is a virtue.Â
To go off of what I previously said, do not settle just so you can say that you’re in a relationship. You may potentially spend your whole entire life with the person you’re dating – don’t settle with just anyone. Wait for the person that makes you feel all of the feels. Life is far too short to be unhappy. In addition, if you’re starting a relationship, know that “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. Personally, I find that those with the most success in relationships take time to get to know their partner before they fully commit. I once read a quote about romantic love being like a home. With a home, you need a strong foundation so the home can last your whole life (and even weather the storms). Love is much like that home. Take the time to know your special someone – build a strong foundation.Â
It’s never a waste to love someone.
Every experience is a good one, including the ones that suck. No matter what, you gain something from loving another person. Look at me – I have this whole bloody list to show for it. If you’re scared to fall for someone new: let this be your sign to jump right in. It may not work out – or it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. There’s no knowing unless you give it your all. Another thing is: do not beat yourself up for caring for the wrong person. I find that it’s so common to feel shame after leaving a poor relationship but just know that your ability to love is such a beautiful thing. Our heart is a muscle – much like the ones in our arms or our legs. We’re expected to exercise those muscles far too often for my liking so they can grow bigger and stronger. Exercise your heart by spreading love – but do so in a way that feels authentic to you.Â
Put yourself in someone else’s shoes: Uno Reverse Edition
This one’s probably the most random teaching. You know how people tell you to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to truly empathize with them? Pull a Missy Elliot, “Flip it and reverse it” and put someone else in your shoes. It’s a great indicator of “is this relationship right for me?” The idea is that you’ll think of someone you love and imagine the advice you would give them if they were in your shoes, dating the person that you’re with… From my experience with therapy (and even these lil’ articles), I’ve learned that it’s a lot easier to advise others when you’re on the outside looking in. When you’re in it, it’s another story. Especially when you’re in a relationship. We are blinded by love. The rose-coloured lenses are on. They’re more like horse-blinders than glasses in all honesty.
It is like the movies! And the books!
So many people will tell you that love is not like the movies – or the songs or the books. If that’s the case, riddle me this: why is there a whole genre about a love that could not possibly exist? How are there the most romantic book dedications known to man? How can poetry or love songs about one’s eye colour bring you to tears? It’s real. You just haven’t found it yet. If you’re willing to be patient – I can promise you, you will find it.
Do not try to avoid heartbreak.
Be hopeful, be authentic, do your best to make things work and if it doesn’t work out in the end, cut your losses (experience a rom-com heartbreak) and move on. From my experience, I spent so much time worrying about the end of my relationship while I was in it. It was ridiculous… Instead of being present and enjoying life, I was fixated on “what if this doesn’t work out?” I will say, despite the overthinking making the end far more bearable, it was a waste of my time because it was out of my control as these things always are. If you’re meant to be together, you will be together – don’t waste your time preying on the end because what if it does work out?
Do not fear it either.
If you’re currently in an unhappy relationship and the only thing keeping you there is this fear of heartbreak and all that comes with it, take my word for it. You will survive and you will be better for it. When you’re with the right person, you’ll think about all of your heartbreaks lovingly because it lead you to the right person. The destination will make the journey worthwhile.
That’s it, folks! Fifteen empowering lessons on heartbreak. While I will say, heartbreak is no fun, it’s made me who I am in this moment so I will be forever grateful for the heartbreak that I experienced in my lifetime.