We’ve all been there. Lying in bed at night, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about that one thing we wish we didn’t say. It could’ve been said out of spite, or maybe it was said out of emotional weakness. Either way, we don’t want those moments to be reflective of who we are or who we want to be.
While those instances weren’t super catastrophic in the relationships we shared with people, it’s possible that they left a mark. Perhaps we just wish we were a bit more emotionally mature.
So what is emotional maturity? In my eyes, it’s that point where you’ve trained your brain to respond to situations with empathy and understanding without sacrificing your own beliefs. It’s when you can consider where someone may be coming from while respecting your boundaries. Most importantly, it involves walking away from situations that no longer serve you with your head held high, knowing that it’s in the interests of others too.
If you’re a 20-something-year-old like me who is still learning to manage and balance relationships, then this article is for you. Here are my tips for practising emotional maturity.
When they go low, you go high.
We’ve all heard this one before, particularly from the phenomenal Michelle Obama. But I have to admit, it’s easier said than done. Sometimes, we get the urge to respond to situations with passive aggressiveness because when we’re in pain, we want others to feel pain too. It’s human nature… after all, misery loves company.
But when you get that aggressive text, take a moment to breathe. Try to understand where the person is coming from, and if you’re willing and able to, respond calmly. If you can’t in the moment, take some space. I guarantee you, you’ll end up regretting your response more than anything if you clap back with the same energy you received. Chances are, it’s not even about you.
Handling every interaction with grace has no cons! And if anything, your response might just make the other person reflect more deeply on how they treated you. Reflection has the power to lead to a change in behaviour.
Set your standards and apply them equally.
People have moved in and out of my life like seasons. During one particular season, I might find myself feeling more connected to some of my friends over others. It could be because I’ve seen them more often lately (and have therefore dedicated more time to our friendship). Or it could be because I’ve developed an extra soft spot for them based on what they’ve been going through.
We’ve all set expectations and standards for our relationships. I personally expect my friends to be there for me in my time of need and support me in my goals. Of course, I would always promise to do the same.
However, sometimes, we don’t hold all of our friends to these same standards. When we reach that stage, we end up justifying wrong actions towards us under the guise of care and sympathy. We excuse behaviour we would never tolerate anywhere else, just because it was demonstrated by that specific person.
The second you start to do this, you give people liberty to hurt you. You let them assume that you’ll always be available, no matter how they treat you.
Take note of your “momentary favorites.” Emotional maturity involves a great deal of fairness; value people equally, but also set your boundaries equally.
When your cup is overflowing, take some space.
One of my friends has a private Snapchat story called “Posting While Ghosting” and every time I see it, I can’t help but laugh. We all have that urge to just disappear every now and then. Maybe you had a draining week, are dealing with family issues, or for the ladies, maybe it’s that time of month and your social battery is nonexistent.
Rather than approaching people with dry energy, you’re better off taking some time to yourself. I would send an “FYI – I’ll be MIA” text just so that the people in your circle are not worried.
When we attempt to maintain a connection when our cup is overflowing, we end up placing a lot of pressure on those we care about. And you may unintentionally say or do something you don’t mean. Plus, we may find ourselves shutting out the light that we so desperately need.
Emotional maturity extends to self-care.
In my 20s, I have provided a tremendous amount of support to my family and friends. And that is a form of invisible labour that we don’t usually account for. The 2 hour phone calls to help people work through challenges, the consoling when things are falling apart, and most significantly, placing your own stresses on hold to be there for the people you love.
But emotional maturity extends to self care. You’re allowed to be the victim. You’re allowed to expect the same care and compassion that you so effortlessly give out. And most importantly, you’re allowed to recharge your battery when other people have drained it.
So if I can leave you with one thought, it’s this. Emotional maturity is not just about finding ways to stay, it’s also about knowing when it’s time to go. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic fallout, sometimes it just needs to be a choice. The choice to choose you.