Stagnant. Bored. That is what I have felt since I could remember, even in pre-pandemic times. Yeah, life got exciting at some points, but nothing was better than being at home in bed all alone, scrolling endlessly on my phone. Call me an extremely introverted gal, but I genuinely enjoy being alone. I live a life of a specific routine. Every Sunday, I wash my sheets and shave my legs. Every Friday, I visit my grandmother and have lunch with her. Every week, the same business over and over. Probably the same routine until I die, or so I thought, before I got a call from my aunt.Ā
Let me recap – my aunt is savvy, rather clever, and gives off Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe vibes. She is who I want to be when I grow up: she’s posh, proper, and has the ability to be confident, even if she just fell flat on her butt (literally and figuratively). She lives her life how she wants, confidently and gracefully. I consider her my role model in that sense because she always has the confidence to do what she wants. I usually fell short in that department.
My aunt got married in 2001 when I was almost three years old to an ever-so-awesome Englishman. Their work created an opportunity to live in many different places – New York, Paris, and Canada. She tells me an insane amount of stories about the amazing people sheās met over her twenties from all over the world and how they had some crazy nights and great experiences (the photos speak for themselves). “No” was never an answer for any plans. She was a girlboss in her own way and did what she wanted to do because she could and still does. Nothing broke her confidence, even if she wasnāt feeling that hot. She made the best out of any situation.
She and her husband got great job opportunities in England and decided to stay permanently. That was in 2014. She told me I can visit her whenever for however long I wanted. I told her, āLet me take you up on that!ā – and never did.Ā
Until July of 2022. In my much-appreciated alone time, I thought about it ā¦ what makes me happy. I donāt really know. I have an amazing family, the best friends I could ask for, and, a pretty cool boyfriend, so why was I so bored? Why did I feel so stuck? I searched my brain for the answer and impulsively sent my aunt a message saying I am coming to England. Reflecting on her stories, I thought: āIf she did it, why canāt I?āĀ
So I did. I booked my tickets (and had an absolute mental breakdown while doing so) and waited till the reality of going on a plane to a foreign country alone sank in. My mom kept asking me: āAre you okay? How excited are you? What are you going to do there?ā And the answer was always, “I really didnāt know.” I was just going to show up and figure it out. And that’s what I did.Ā
October 7, 2022, 7 hours and 5,605 kilometres later, I was in London. It didnāt feel any different. āIāll be done work at 5:30. Meet me at the flat, and we can go for dinner,ā my aunt said to me the Monday I arrived. Now, the world was my oyster, but what to do?
I took it upon myself to own my lonesome. If I could do it in my room, I can do it in a foreign city where no one knows who I am. That was the freeing part. At first, I felt like a complete lunatic gallivanting by myself, but it kindaā¦ helped me?Ā
I stumbled upon the National Gallery. It was absolutely breathtaking to see these works of art hanging on a wall from so many years ago. It finally occurred to me, from sitting in an empty gallery room by myself, that there was so much more to life than whatever stressed me out when I was at home. These stressors made me lose my self-worth and confidence because being stressed made me feel so stuck. This is where my epiphany struck – my aunt is a no-BS woman and there were probably many times where she felt the same way I did. She did something about it, and I sulked in my room, having my own pity party. London changed that for me.Ā
Let me tell you, eating lunch and dinner by yourself in a foreign country was scary. Walking in a place that you arenāt familiar with was terrifying. But, it honestly built my confidence. I didnāt do anything crazy like an impulsive tattoo (my mom would crucify me), but for the first time in twenty-three years of life, I felt comfortable in my own skin alone. It was like I was a child learning to take their first steps. Learning from my aunt was definitely a factor, and I bid her an enormous thank you for allowing me to grow with her support (partially because I had a free room and board for a week, thank you P).Ā
I am not one to consider myself a main character or be in my Taylor Swift Reputation era, but I finally had the chance to see a piece of the world alone. Not just on my phone in my room alone, but alone in the sense that I didnāt have to restrain myself to my bedroom or my phone. I never considered this to be a āself-careā journey, but it really was. I allowed myself to own my life and do what I wanted to do (even with no solid plan). I always wanted to go see my aunt and visit London for all of its beauty, but the limiting factor was actually going to do it. And I did. I found the confidence to be alone outside in public with no overall purpose, and it was freeing. Nothing telling me, āNo you canāt, you idiotā. No small voice in my head telling me of danger. No alarm bells blaring causing me so much anxiety that I’d sweat through my shirt and down my back.
Sitting here writing this and looking back, I realized something. As a woman graduating from university soon, I felt as if my life was already over. I am old and there was nothing more than to get a job, get married, have kids ā¦ all that stereotypical stuff. This trip was a love letter to myself to get up and do what I want to do now because I can, and I have newfound confidence to do it now. And that was it. All it took was that dip of the toe into the icy cold water. I mean, it’s still going to take me time to probably ever do that again, but what the heck? Loneliness is a weird thing that can feel so isolating, but having confidence in being alone was the best experience to ever happen for me.