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College Women Talking Sex
College Women Talking Sex
Adebusola Abujade / Her Campus Media
Wellness > Sex + Relationships

9 College Women on What Consent Looks Like to Them

Urging the idea of consent doesnā€™t mean itā€™s always integrated smoothly into real life. On paper itā€™s giving permission and saying a verbal ā€œyesā€ to a sexual activity with another person, all the while maintaining that saying ā€œnoā€ could stop the encounter at any time. But hereā€™s the thing: boiling consent down to a simple binary of saying ā€œyesā€ or ā€œnoā€ completely erases the gray area from actual sexual encounters and fails to acknowledge just how uncomfy and anxiety-inducing saying ā€œnoā€ to another person can be.

During college, women are trying to navigate online dating, dorm crushes, first-time hookups, and learn their personal boundaries with alcohol. Since weā€™re operate in real life (and not within the boundaries of a supersafe sex-ed lecture) that pretty much leaves consent to be something thatā€™s assumed rather than said out loud. Couple that with the fact that thereā€™s no standardized approach to navigating consent that works for everyone, and you end up getting a lot of gray area where sexual harassment, assault, and partner violence can slip through unchecked. Thatā€™s how weā€™ve ended up in this bummer-of-a-2018 place where #MeToo and a plethora of stories have been brought forward by women forced too far by partners or abusers that didnā€™t ask for or acknowledge their feedback. Ā 

So, what does consent look like in real life? Wellā€¦itā€™s complex.

AfterĀ The New York Times launchedĀ 45 Stories of Sex and Consent on Campus,Ā we asked college women what enthusiastic sexual encounters look like to themĀ to keep theĀ conversation going. Hereā€™s what they had to share.

A couple standing in a brightly lit apartment drinking coffee. There is a table of fruit in front of them and they are in front of a window.
Photo by Jack Sparrow from Pexels

What does consent look like to you?

ā€œIt looks like respect: Respect for my wants, needs, desire, and space. Respect for my body, my safety and my limits. Not taking advantage of me if I am asleep, too drunk, or in a bad situation. Not pushing and bugging for me to go further than I want, not pushing me to step into a sexual realm that I have expressed negative feelings towards. Most blatantly taking no as a no, not as a challenge to try harder.ā€ ā€“ Meagan,Ā Athabasca University

ā€œIā€™ve been lucky so far to have dated some really sweet guys who are concerned about doing more than Iā€™m comfortable with. A guy I dated last year would even ask before he touched me in certain ways. At first, it seemed a little awkward, but Iā€™m so glad he asked me and didnā€™t just assume that I was down for whatever, because Iā€™m not. So, for me, consent is done right when you donā€™t make assumptions. Just because Iā€™m dating you or was flirty with you doesnā€™t mean I want to have sex with you. Iā€™ve noticed in relationships, sometimes guys feel they are entitled to your body, but thatā€™s not how it works. I donā€™t owe you sex or anything even remotely sexual just because weā€™re dating. If Iā€™m not feeling it or Iā€™m just not ready to go that far with you yet, I absolutely donā€™t have to. Consent to me is all about realizing that sex should never be assumed in any situation.ā€ – Micki,Ā University of Missouri, Columbia

“Consent is being told yes throughout sexual actions such as kissing, touching, and any form of sex, both oral and penetration. Basically, if one doesn’t say yes, don’t assume they want it.” – Student at William Paterson University

“Saying nothing at all does NOT mean consent.” – Haylee W., University of Nevada, Reno

ā€œOne issue is how consent is depicted on screen. In educational settings about consent, weā€™re taught that it needs to be explicit, not implied. That means asking directly. But in films, we rarely see a person in the bedroom stop kissing and then ask, ā€˜Do you consent to sex?ā€™ The idea may seem ridiculous. I appreciated in the Kay Cannon-directed movie Blockers when Kayla is about to take her first swig from a flask, she stops and makes clear to her prom date that she wants to have sex ā€” because intoxicated people cannot give consent. Iā€™d like to see more shows addressing it and how that conversation should go.ā€ ā€“ Student at University of California, Los Angeles

“I hate the phrase consent is sexy. Like??? Uh, consent is a basic human right.” – Rebecca, Colorado State University

black couple smiling in bed
Photo by Shingi Rice from Unsplash

Tell us a story of a time you felt your consent was valued by a partner.

“The first time with my boyfriend was also my first time ever. He asked me if I was sure and if I liked it several times. Now, he doesn’t ask because [we’re at the point where] it’s really obvious that I like what we are doing, but he always pays attention to my reactions. I know he would stop if I showed some type of rejection. For me, consent is not only saying yes, but showing you like what is happening. For me, if someone just stays quiet, it is not consent, it’s just the fear of saying no.” – JazmĆ­n, University of Buenos Aires

ā€œWhen my current boyfriend and I started dating we took everything really slow, he would ask before taking any big physical steps and even some small ones. I even remember him asking if he could put his arm around me while we watched tv at my apartment. Our first kiss happened to be at party where we had both been drinking, he made a comment that he would like to kiss me but he didn’t even make a move closer to me until I told him that It was ok for him to. This was very important to me as I am a victim of sexual violence, but my boyfriend didn’t actually know that when these moments happened making it even more comforting.ā€ ā€“ Student at Athabasca University

ā€œI impulsively hooked up with a friend of a floormate sophomore year. He was very nice and clarified each and every step along the way. This person was completely attuned to my needs and stopped once I felt uncomfortable. We negotiated, and although I felt like I didn’t get as much as I put into the act, we both laid out our expectations before proceeding with anything. We maintained a kind, healthy, respectful dialogue throughout.ā€ ā€“ Allie,Ā Mount Holyoke College

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can get help by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673). For more resources on sexual assault, visit RAINN, End Rape on Campus, and the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.

Gina was formerly the Beauty & Culture Editor at Her Campus, where she oversaw content and strategy for the site's key verticals. She was also the person behindĀ @HerCampusBeauty, and all those other glowy selfies you faved. She got her start in digital media as a Campus Correspondent at HC Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, where she graduated in 2017 with degrees in English and Theater. Now, Gina is an LA-based writer and editor, and you can regularly find her wearing a face mask in bed and scrolling through TikTok.
Rachel is the Senior Editor at Her Campus. She graduated from Elon University in 2015 where she wrote for Her Campus's Elon chapter as well as the national LGBTQ+ section, and has since held editorial positions at Hello Giggles and Brit + Co along with running social media for several publishers. Her work has been published in Teen Vogue, Glamour, StyleCaster, and SELF, and she can be found in North Carolina smearing face masks on in the name of content. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram @RachelCharleneL.