Usually I dole out Love advice in my column but this week the HC Editors asked me to weigh in on fashion. At first I couldn’t understand why. But then they told me they wanted me to weigh in on fashion from a guy’s point of view… now it makes more sense. Girls seem to wear a lot of the strangest things, and for most guys many of these things just don’t make any sense. I am going to attempt to outline the most baffling female style choices. It’s not that we don’t get it, because trust me, we get it. It’s just that we don’t understand how or why that style ever happened.
Tights (Leggings, Jeggings, whatever)
Guys have a problem with them. Yes they make sense and look cute in the winter, but it seems like they have become common in a whole range of inappropriate situations. Please stop wearing them as pants. They are not pants, they are meant to go under a skirt when it’s cold. Pants don’t allow us to see your underwear or the shape of your thong. Thus, don’t wear tights like pants. Also, tights under skirts don’t make it any less obvious that you are actually wearing very short skirts. So often, girls wear a shirt as a dress and tights underneath as if that was okay. Go to your closet now and decide which of your tops are dresses and which are shirts. Don’t consider what goes beneath. Would you wear that “shirt” without the tights? Seriously, we can usually still see the bottom of your behind under the tights. If you’re looking to have some fun one night, put on the short skirt and tights and make the guys ogle (is that even a word). If you want to find someone serious, please remember you are showing a lot of upper leg (the tights aren’t changing anything). As a note, my editor asked if I meant leggings when I say tights. I, along with most other guys, don’t know the difference. To us, they are all just uncomfortable tight pants that are too similar to the long underwear my grandfather wears in the snow under his jeans.
Big Sunglasses
Why? Arguably, they do cover a good portion of your face, but why are you hiding? Sure Paris Hilton needs to hide from the paparazzi, but seriously who are you hiding from? Show off your pretty face or the hard work you spent that morning getting ready. Guys don’t understand these tinted glass masks and think they transform girls into giant flies.
Big Useless Belts
Just to clarify, these belts serve no practical purpose and are apparently just some sort of fashion statement—am I correct? Nope, we don’t understand these “belts” either. They aren’t even around your waist. Men are practical beings. Aside from pocket squares and bowties, we rarely wear anything that has no real purpose. Thus, it’s hard for guys to understand how a large strap around your stomach is pleasing or comfortable. Do you have to loosen it while you eat? Does it slide down to your hips or cut off circulation to your legs? We just don’t understand these fashionable belts. One guy once asked, “Can’t they just add a colored stripe to their dress, why do they need a big weird belt?”
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Giant Handbags
Guys really like big things: big cars, big houses, big money, but not big bags. They look awkward and out of place. How many items do you really need? What do you have in there: several pairs of big sunglasses, a few extra big useless belts, and another giant handbag? Sure a small purse or wallet is normal for your cell phone, keys, and for some a mini automatic handgun, but it really doesn’t need to be that big. Put down the dump truck and get something smaller. Guys see girls with these huge bags and can’t focus on anything else. It detracts attention from both your face and your outfit and no matter how nice it is, just makes you look high maintenance. A wise man once said, “Stay away from crazy girls and the one with the biggest handbag.”
Menswear
These items include such things as baggy jeans (“boyfriend jeans” as the Gap wants you to believe), button down long sleeve dress shirts, and blazers. They were made for men. Yes, waking up and throwing on your guy’s clothing is cute, but wearing it out in the city is not. Most guys get confused by the role reversal. Should guys start wearing tights and carrying those giant handbags? How far will this trend even go? Once girls start wearing tuxedos and jockstraps, I think men everywhere will voice an opinion, but let’s cut this out early. Interestingly, I have recently discovered that it may be fashionable for some girls to wear tuxedos. Stop this now. For the last 150 years men have worn tuxedos and women have worn dresses. The world hasn’t changed that much and you still look better in a dress.
Please remember that I am mostly poking fun at the ridiculous style decisions of the female species. While it may look good, it is also very strange. Take a step back and realize just how funny (objectively) you look in those huge goggles or carrying a suitcase over your shoulder to the mall. I think I am going to stick to my love advice column though, at least that makes sense to me.
Read Chase’s answers to your love life questions here.