No one can deny this universal truth: Breakups SUCK, especially when you might still be learning the ins and outs of Relationship Rules 101. When you’re on campus, it might seem impossible to get your single-girl swag back when everywhere you look reminds you of your ex.
Or worse, you actually ARE seeing your ex everywhere.
This can be especially true in the LGBTQ+ community, where it seems like everyone knows one another and is connected in some way or another. Whether she’s in your mutual friends circle or taking the same history class as you this semester, it can be rough. Here are some ways you can deal and move on while still keeping your cool!
1. Know that this situation is awkward for everyone
When you walk into the room and see her, you already know you’re in for a hard time. But Dr. Frankie Bashan, LGBTQ+ relationship expert, says it’s important to recognize that regardless if you’re the dumpee or dumper, you are never the only one feeling awkward.
“This situation makes everybody uncomfortable,” she says. “I think it can feel like whether you’re the one who was dumped, or if you broke up with her, both your ex and the new girl who she’s seeing is going to feel awkward.”
Dr. Frankie also notes that anxiety is not only palpable, but contagious. If one person is showing signs of anxiety, such as turning red, sweating or looking frantic, it can make it even more awkward for everyone.
Once you acknowledge the fact that she’s in the room, try not to think too much into it. As long as you’ve done your part and are as respectful as possible, you can go your own way and go back to whatever you were doing before.
2. Let your friends know they don’t have to pick sides
If you’re in the same circle, it’s very easy for your mutual friends to feel uncomfortable and take sides. However, if you want to keep the peace, Dr. Frankie suggests that you tell them from the start that this shouldn’t be the case.
“Try not to foster that sense of putting your friends in a position where they need to choose [a] side,” she says. “Just acknowledge that there are two sides to every story and it’s very possible that your ex has a very different perspective or feeling about why things ended than you do. It’s important to recognize that people have different viewpoints, and at the end of the day, we’re all human.”
By doing this, you’re not only making sure that your friendships remain healthy, but that your ex feels like you’re supporting her friendships with these people as well.
3. Have friends who are willing to hear you rant
These situations can be super stressful, and it’s likely that you’ll need someone to talk it out with eventually. Dr. Frankie suggests finding someone to rant to who’s completely removed from the situation.
“Find someone who you’re not putting in an awkward situation when you’re talking about your ex so it’s not someone who feels like they have to navigate or negotiate both of those friendships,” she says. “We all need a space that we’re able to vent, a safe person to talk to about our feelings.”
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable, make sure you text or call a friend from home who you know is going to be understanding of your situation. Not only is it a form of de-stressing, but your friend could even potentially give you some amazing advice.
4. Don’t feed into the seemingly inevitable drama
If you’re in a space with a lot of people and all of a sudden your ex walks in, you know at least half of the room is going to be looking at you, trying to read your reaction. You might even have some friends rushing up to check on you, asking if there’s anything they can do to alleviate the situation. Dr. Frankie suggests that you act as chill as possible, reassuring them there’s nothing to worry about.
“If you’re going to be doing this maturely, you’re going to be setting an example,” she says. “There are not going to be a lot of people who know how to navigate this very effectively or well.”
Basically, if you play it cool, everyone else will follow suit. Reassure your friends that while you appreciate them checking in with you, you’re dealing with the breakup in your own way, and now isn’t the time to talk about it. Let them know it isn’t anything personal; you’re just trying to navigate the situation as cleanly and maturely as possible.
5. Find a way to escape the situation when anxiety strikes
If you’re prone to anxiety, these types of situations can be extremely emotionally draining for you. You might not feel like you can completely handle seeing her at that time, and Dr. Frankie says that it’s totally normal.
“I think that in that moment, it can feel very overwhelming, so I don’t think that we need to force ourselves to experience prolonged exposure to that person,” she says. “If you’re experiencing anxiety, like a tightness in your chest or you start to hyperventilate or you start to get sweaty or blotchy [or] red in the face, I would take a break or leave and remove yourself.”
Even if you aren’t experiencing these symptoms, it is still definitely okay to leave the situation.
If you do decide to leave the space, Dr. Frankie also advises that you make sure to be discreet about it.
“I would not draw attention to myself. I’d be cool and calm, even if I’m feeling really anxious inside,” she says. “I need to find a way to cope with that on my own and not create drama with my insecurities or my anger or my sadness or my pain. I need to remove myself from the situation, go for a walk, go to the bathroom, decide to go to a different event and be mindful of not putting mutual friends in uncomfortable or compromising situations.”
However, this can be very difficult if it isn’t at a party or an event, but instead, in a work or classroom setting. In this case, try thinking of easy, quick ways of calming down. Dr. Frankie advises that you act as if months and months have passed and you’re not feeling as uncomfortable as you are. Relaxation exercises such as deep breathing, meditating and positive self-assurance are all great ways to maintain a calm, cool and collected appearance.
“Maybe ask yourself, ‘If I was not feeling so hurt right now, or so sad, how would I act? How would I conduct myself?’” she says. “That is the way you need to behave in that environment, because there’s nothing you can do about it.”
While it’s hard to keep your cool when you’re still feeling a huge amount of heartbreak, there are some things you just need to figure out how to look past.
“Obviously, you want to reduce the amount of exposure to uncomfortable situations as much as possible,” she says. “But in some situations, you can’t. You have to access your higher self, which is very hard. It takes work and effort and a lot of commitment to yourself.”
6. If she’s seeing someone new, be respectful to her new partner
Seeing your ex around with a new significant other can be totally irritating and sometimes even hurtful. Even if you’ve gotten over her, there’s nothing more you want to do than act like the new girl doesn’t exist. However, Dr. Frankie says that while you don’t have to be this girl’s bestie, it’s always important to conduct yourself in a respectful and mature manner.
“It doesn’t have to be very personal,” she says. “You want to try to bring your best self forward, and in doing that, at the bare minimum, it’s really mature to just acknowledge someone’s presence.”
Just a simple “hello” can go a long way, and even if the new girlfriend isn’t reciprocating the same kindness, your ex will definitely see and appreciate your effort. But if the girl is actually trying to push your buttons, such as making catty or disrespectful comments aimed towards you, that’s when it’s time to escape the situation.
“If they’re being provocative, you need to leave,” Dr. Frankie says. “There’s no need to engage in toxic behavior. If they’re being assaultive in their language or trying to provoke you to argue with them, I would try to say something like, ‘Hey, I’m not interested in fighting with anybody. I hope that you two are very happy together and I would really appreciate if you respect my space and my desire to heal. Be respectful to me as I am towards you.’”
7. Think twice before deciding to get back together
It can be SO easy to rekindle old feelings when you see your ex out, especially at a party where you’re both looking good and catching up. However, Dr. Frankie warns that you make sure you don’t make any big decisions while you’re under the influence of any substances.
“I would not ask them any thoughts or feelings [about getting back together] under the influence at all,” she says. “You’re vulnerable in that space, and when you have raw feelings that are unresolved combined with alcohol, it’s going to potentially act in ways that you may be ashamed of the next day.”
She suggests that when you’re sober, if it’s still something that you’re questioning, you should hit her up and ask her what she thinks about it. The next day, text her and ask her to get coffee. Go somewhere where you two can just talk it out on your own. Just make sure that you’re prepared for whatever outcome might arise.
“It’s really hard because you become very vulnerable and you open yourself up for rejection,” Dr. Frankie says. “You just have to be prepared for her not responding in the way you may want her to. But [know] that you were very bold, and [it takes] guts and courage to approach her with these vulnerable feelings.”
When it comes down to it, seeing your ex can be totally uncomfortable for everyone involved. But the most important thing is that everyone is treated with respect.
“We want to be understood, we want to be treated with kindness and respect, and if we can at all conduct ourselves in that way, even if it takes every single molecule in our body to do that, we will be modeling and setting an example of what it’s like to be our higher self, and others will follow suit,” Dr. Frankie says.
At the end of the day she’s probably not the only girl you’ll date in college. So in the meantime, just try to keep it cool, and who knows? Maybe you’ll gain a new friend out of this!