If you’re a member of Gen Z that says “I’m sorry” in almost every conversation, you may want to invest in understanding your apology language. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas (Chapman is the same author that brought you love languages) have explained how to repent in a meaningful way in The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. This book, re-released in January 2022, is accompanied by the Apology Language Quiz. The test can show you which of the five types you identify with most: Expressing Regret, Planned Change, Make Restitution, Accept Responsibility, or Request Forgiveness.
Understanding how to give and receive love is just as important as understanding how to heal from emotional pain in your relationships. Saying sorry can be one of the most terrifying conversations to have because you have to accept the fact that you messed up, which isn’t easy. Plus, apologies can often come off as insincere if you’re not careful (hello, influencer apologies), which can be detrimental to your relationship with someone you genuinely want to forgive you.
Because most of Gen Z is just starting their professional lives, we may feel an obligation to apologize for every little inconvenience we cause in the workplace. In our personal lives, social media can lead us to misinterpret other people’s words because of confusing texts or unclear tone, possibly causing us to apologize at inappropriate times or not always know when we’re hurting someone in our friendships or relationships. By understanding your personal apology language(s), you can approach everyday conversations with a new grasp on what it truly means to be sorry, specific to you.
What is an apology language?
Before we break down the meaning of the five different apology languages, let’s back up and talk about what an apology language even is.
The definition of an apology language is “a set of broad categories in which an apology might fall,” Asasia Richardson, an LMSW therapist at A Good Place Therapy, tells Her Campus. “Different people have different styles and approaches to how they tend to express that they are sorry, and apology languages help sort these styles and offer insight to what types of apologies people prefer.”
Some people find simple statements of regret to be shallow, while others might prefer to move past the situation more quickly. If you’ve ever felt like an apology from a loved one was hollow or not as meaningful as you hoped, it may have been because you desired a different response that could empower you to move on from the hurt they caused.
Why do they matter?
Much like knowing your or your partner’s love language can help you better communicate and express your feelings, the same can be said for apology languages. “We believe that going beyond a quick ‘I’m sorry’ — learning to apologize effectively — can help rekindle love that has been dimmed by pain,” Chapman and Thomas wrote in the introduction to The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. “We believe that the new all learn to apologize — and when we understand each other’s apology language — we can trade in tired excuses for honesty, trust, and joy.”
Alexander Burgemeester, a Netherlands-based psychologist, points out how apology languages can strengthen relationships. “Knowing your apology language will enable you to more effectively communicate with your partner in ways that both of you can understand,” he tells Her Campus. “This can help each of you to avoid miscommunicating, and ensure that what you say is received in a positive manner.”
Just like understanding your love language, apology languages can help you mend those misunderstandings within important personal and professional relationships. If you take the quiz, you’ll be able to understand how each apology language is present in your daily life. In the meantime, these are the five languages of apology, and what you should know about them.
The five languages of apology
- Expressing regret
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When I took the apology language quiz, I was not surprised to find out that my #1 apology language is Expressing Regret. Shoutout to all my people-pleasing girlies. Do you find yourself worrying about how people are going to look at you after you mess up? Expressing Regret is the most emotional apology — it’s basically an honest and thoughtful expression of how you feel after hurting another person.
This apology doesn’t need to be a grand gesture, proof of alliance, or an overly long conversation about how the person messed up. It can be as simple as “I’m sorry, I am so disappointed in myself for hurting you,” as long as the person apologizing is being genuine. An apologizer who prefers Expressing Regret doesn’t make excuses, and truly acknowledges the fact that they screwed up. In order to express regret in an apology, try holding your person’s hand and express how you’re feeling in straightforward terms.
- Planned change
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If you’re someone who likes to see an active desire to change along with an apology, Planned Change might be your top apology language. You might be worried that the event could happen again, and expect to hear your partner say, “I’m so sorry, I want to change. Next time, I’ll talk to you first.” This tells you exactly what the other person is going to do to make things right within your relationship.
If you’re the apologizer, by communicating and admitting you were wrong, your partner (or friend, or boss, or family member) can easily see the effort you’re putting toward making sure you don’t hurt them again. Planning exactly what you or your partner is going to do to change can help an apology feel authentic and impactful. If you don’t truly see an effort from your partner to change, it might take you an extended period of time to heal from the breach of trust.
- Make restitution
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If you identify with the apology language of making restitution, you might find it incredibly difficult to effectively apologize or receive apologies. Similar to Planned Change, Make Restitution asks for some kind of justification of the person’s actions, or proof that it won’t happen again. If your partner’s apology language is Make Restitution, you might never feel that they accepted your apology. Because they want some concrete reimbursement or quid pro quo, you may wonder if a person with this apology language will never fully be able to trust you again.
Chapman suggests in The 5 Apology Languages that learning your person’s love language is the best way to move forward. Understanding how you can prove to them that you’re reliable is fundamental to this language. If you’re the one receiving this apology, make sure you communicate with your partner and inform them that it might take you some time to get over this negative experience. Through that level of communication, they can use your love languages to show you an authentic apology. You might be worried that they don’t love or appreciate you anymore, but try to acknowledge the effort this person is giving you and take their apology into consideration.
- Accept responsibility
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Of course, every apology language should including accepting responsibility. It makes sense; if you don’t take responsibility for your actions, you’re not properly acknowledging a single apology language. It’s so easy to beat yourself up over a mistake, but taking responsibility is the first step to personal growth.
For people who prioritize Accepting Responsibility, they might just want to hear you say, “I know that I was wrong.” A sincere apology that recognizes an issue or a problem within your actions is likely going to be the most powerful way to appropriately address mistakes you’ve made. If you connect with this language, consider sharing with your partner in a non-stressful conversation that you need this kind of validation. It might help your relationship in the future.
- Request forgiveness
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In an effort to repair your relationship, you might ask your partner for forgiveness after hurting them. If you’re the one being apologized to, hearing that your partner genuinely wants your permission to move on from this experience probably means a lot to you if this is your apology language. This shows that you acknowledge your fault and that you want to move forward relying on genuine forgiveness.
Notably, there’s a large difference between asking for forgiveness and begging for it. It is entirely the other person’s decision if they want to forgive you or not. You cannot expect them to accept your apology just because you say you’re sorry, and you’ll want to make sure you understand the two different sides of an apologetic conversation.
“If your apology language is accepting responsibility, but your partner always asks for forgiveness, you might feel that their apologies are inauthentic or they are avoiding the problem,” Richardson says. “Communicating this feeling can open the door to a more nuanced conversation about each of your needs when it comes to apologizing and addressing a conflict.”
You need to understand where the other person is coming from emotionally. By doing this, you’ll be able to request forgiveness when it’s due and vice versa.
By understanding your individual apology languages, you might be able to approach everyday experiences with an open-minded attitude, acknowledging that everyone expresses emotions differently. If you learn and pay attention to the apology languages of people close to you, you can avoid miscommunication and uncertainties around your relationships. Recognizing how to give and receive apologies is just as important as giving and receiving love. It can help you move past negative emotions and experiences in a clearer, more intentional way. For all the baddies scared of confrontation, try taking the apology language quiz and see how it can affect the way you approach those hard conversations.