Her Campus’s Ultimate College Guy Survey provided some valuable insight on the male gender: it uncovered previously hidden truths, breached previously taboo subjects, and crossed boundaries previously on the wrong side of TMI. Girls had questions and, like a Radio Shack, guys had answers.
In response to the success of the HCUCGS (how long is too long for an acronym?), I figured a guy should ask guys some of the tough questions as well. Here’s presenting Big Man Off Campus’s Ultimate College Guy Survey.
I surveyed 40ish guys (some of them intoxicated, others merely disinterested) from a handful of schools—mostly colleges, but I didn’t protest if a few were from high schools or Schools of Thought. I’m not sure what “scientific” means, exactly, but this survey surely isn’t. It is, however, honest, somewhat perverse and, like any good survey, slightly “meta.”
Read on for an intimate, occasionally frightening, and generally confusing tour of the male perspective on sex, dating, female fashion, and more. What does he really mean when he asks to buy you a drink? Is he looking at your boobs? And, what the hell is a “bandeau”?
1. This is my first time making a survey. How am I doing so far?
(a) Just great, Ben……………………………………………(64.7%)
(b) Umm, we just started?………………………………………..(2.9%)
(c) Whatever, dude. Can we keep this moving? I told Jeff I’d play him in Super Smash
Bros…………………………………………………………………..(5.9%)
(d) Is the whole survey going to be this “meta”?…(32.4%)
2. OK, great! So, have you masturbated today?
(a) Yes………………………………………………………………..(8.8%)
(b) No…………………………………………………………………(76.5.%)
(c) “No”………………………………………………………………(17.6.%)
(d) Funny you should ask this particular moment…(0.0%)
3. But seriously, have you (no girls will read this—promise.)?
(a) Still no…………………………(78.8%)
(b) Pass……………………………..(0.0%)
(c) Screw you, pass………………(9.1%)
(d) Can I get a minute here?…(12.1%)
4. How would you emphasize this sentence?
(a) “Can I buy you a drink?”…(23.5%)
(b) “Can I buy you a drink?”…(20.6%)
(c) “Can I buy you a drink?”…(29.4%)
(d) “Sex?”……………………………(29.4%)
5. As a kid, your favorite show on Nickelodeon was…
(a)Keenan and Kel……………………………………………….(38.2%)
(b)Double Dare 2000……………………………………………(5.9%)
(c) Legends of the Hidden Temple…………………………..(35.3%)
(d)We didn’t have cable until high school, so thanks, Mom and Dad, for ruining my entire childhood (p.s. my college PO Box is #123544, so please send my allowance ASAP)…(23.5.%)
6. Quick, choose an alias.
(a) Vinnie Stryker………………….(38.4%)
(b) Dan Rather………………………(27.3%)
(c) Sasha Fierce……………………..(3.0%)
(d) * (pronounced, “Azterix”)…(33.3%)
7. Oh, I’ve always wanted to do this! When I say, “hip,” you say, “hop.” Hip!
(a) hop………………(26.5%)
(b) –ster…………….(26.5%)
(c) –popotamus…(38.2%)
(d) replacement….(8.8%)
8. OK, funny. But, seriously: Hip!
(a) hop…………………(38.2%)
(b) hop…………………(32.4%)
(c) hop…………………(11.8%)
(d) screw yourself…(17.6%)
9. For those of you who didn’t say “hop”: (x^2 – 5x + 2)^(1/2) = x/2
(a) x=(- 2*sqrt(19))/3………………………………………………….(5.9%)
(b) x=(-5 + or – 4*sqrt(19)……………………………………………(8.8%)
(c) x=(10 + or – 2*sqrt(19))/3………………………………………(11.8%)
(d) x=seriously, screw yourself, you vindictive shmuck…(73.5%)
10. You can’t stand when a girl won’t stop talking about…
(a) her friends…………………………..(2.9%)
(b) her friend drama…………………(50.0%)
(c) her friends’ friend drama……..(21.2%)
(d) her med school applications…(20.6%)
11. You can tell a girl is smart if she…
(a) wears glasses………………………………………………….(21.4%)
(b) is Asian…………………………………………………………..(28.6%)
(c) always visits the professor during office hours…(32.1%)
(d) Wait, you saw that porno, too?………………………………(21.4%)
12. Are you looking at her breasts?
(a) No………………………………….(20.7%)
(b) “No”……………………………….(48.3%)
(c) Duh………………………………..(20.7%)
(d) Dude, quit cock blocking…(13.8%)
13. You insist she’s not your “girlfriend,” just your…
(a) “steady hookup”…………(58.6%)
(b) “only current option”…(27.6%)
(c) “ bio TA”…………………….(17.2%)
(d) “second cousin”………….(0.0%)
14. Which children’s cereal mascot do you consider the best father figure?
(a) Cap’n Crunch (Cap’n Crunch)……………(31.0%)
(b) Count Chocula (Count Chocula)………..(13.8%)
(c) Barack Obama (Obama O’s)………………(10.3%)
(d) Atticus Finch (Mockingbird Berries)…(44.8%)
15. How many sexual partners have you had?
(a) What do you mean by “sexual”?…….(44.8%)
(b) What do you mean by “partners”?…(41.4%)
(c) What do you mean by “you”?………….(17.2%)
(d) I dunno, like, a hundred?………………..(3.4%)
16. Which female fashion statement makes the least sense to you?
(a) those leggings that look like jeans………………….(48.3%)
(b) those feather thingies girls wear in their hair…(20.7%)
(c) those things that look like a bra but aren’t really a bra because they don’t have straps and because apparently it’s acceptable for girls to wear a shirt that show, like, the entire thing…………………………..(27.6%)
(d) heels…………………………………………………………….(6.9%)
Now, ladies, you decide: was the BMOCUCGS TMI or none whatsoever?