If you follow pop culture at all, then you know how common it is to date someone who is not your age – Taylor & Jake, Ashton & Demi, Hayden & all of her boyfriends – ring a bell, anyone? But at the college level, it can present problems. Should you stay together after graduation? How will you make the relationship work despite the age difference? Here at Her Campus, we have the answers – read on for advice on what to do when your boyfriend is graduating first – or you are.
WHAT TO EXPECT
Here at Her Campus we believe that knowledge is power, which is why I am laying out what to expect when your boyfriend graduates before you, or vice-versa. Now you can start preparing for this new stage of your new relationship!
Strict Schedules
In this day and age, relationships typically revolve around a schedule of classes, work, extracurricular activities, partying, etc. For the average college student, many of these commitments can be ‘negotiated.’ Who hasn’t skipped class to lay out on a beautiful day? Once you leave college though, schedules become stricter, and it is difficult, if not impossible, to blow off a day of work for a romantic lunch for two. Be prepared for your boyfriend to be much busier than usual with his new career.
Less Partying
Since his schedule is going to be jam-packed, your boyfriend may lose interest in going out into the wee hours of the morning, or even staying up late to chat with you. He does have to get up early in the morning for a full day of work, after all. It is possible that he will even adopt a standard weekday bedtime, which may roll over into the weekend if he has extra work. Be prepared for your boyfriend to be less interested in late nights, parties and going out.
Maturity Level
Whether your boyfriend is the one graduating or you are, there will be differences in your maturity levels upon leaving college. College is a time when it is not only acceptable, but also practically required to act immaturely, forgo commitments and have fun without regard for the consequences. Upon entering the real world, however, things change. There will be added responsibilities, time commitments and work priorities. “My boyfriend graduated last year, and now he works from home in Boulder,” says Lauren, a sophomore at the University of Colorado – Boulder. “It is nice because he is more mature than most guys. He has more life experience.” Be prepared for your boyfriend to finally catch up to your maturity level – girls are often more mature than guys anyway – or for the difference to make itself known.
Location
Upon graduation, your boyfriend will (hopefully) have a job to look forward to. In some cases, the job will require relocating, sometimes across the city, the state, or the country. No matter how far the distance, be prepared to spend less time together in-person and for long weekends, road trips, and the majority of communication to be via text, phone call, and Skype.
Commonality
“Age is the vehicle by which we experience common milestones in life,” says Abraham Lloyd, a contributor to Marie Claire magazine. “These milestones give us the ability to relate to one another.” When one of you is in college and the other is not, you are at differing stages in life. What is important to you may not be important to him, and vice-versa. Be prepared for a change in priorities, on both of your parts, and for difficulty remembering what the two of you originally had in common.
Now that you know what to expect, we want to help you make it work with your boyfriend – if that is what you want, of course.
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HOW TO MAKE IT WORK
There are ways to make a relationship work even if you no longer have college in common. You know what to expect, and in some cases, the disparities will actually help your relationship.
Make Plans
With your busy schedules and the possible difference in location, it is imperative that you make plans to see each other, otherwise you run the risk of growing apart. Whether you are a twenty minute drive away from each other, or a four hour flight, scheduling allows for fixed plans, which show the commitment both of you have to the relationship. In any case, it is always fun to have a countdown on your calendar full of hearts and xo’s – yes, you will be one of those girls, but who cares? Plus, who doesn’t love a text from your significant other: “Only three more days!”
“Work with your partner to achieve a healthy work-life balance,” say Giuliana and Bill Rancic in their novel, I Do, Now What? Secrets, Stories, and Advice from a Madly-in-Love Couple. “It’s tough, but doable!”
Give Each Other Space
It can be tempting to overwhelm your boyfriend with texts and phone calls when he starts to seem distant, but that is the exact opposite of what you should do. Instead, give him room to grow and succeed in his new career – you do not want him to think that you are holding him back. In the end, a little time and space will allow him to miss you, and also give you the chance to focus on what you want to do. “My boyfriend graduated last semester, and now he lives on the opposite side of the country,” says Dana, a senior at Northwestern University. “At first, the distance was tough, but now I realize how amazing it has been for our relationship. We don’t have to worry about constantly being together – we can do our own thing, which makes that times we are together that much more special.”
“Share professional struggles and victories,” says Rancic. “So much of a person’s identity and self-satisfaction is intertwined with his/her work; make your partner a part of that.”
Change Up Your Routine
During college, the two of you went to parties, hung out with mutual friends on weekends and cheered on your school’s team at home games. The things that brought you together then are not going to work now. Instead, find new things to do that will keep the spark alive. Since he will not be as interested in partying, plan a weekend day date at the local zoo, complete with a picnic lunch. Or rent a few movies and grab take-out for a relaxed night-in. In order to make the relationship work, you have to be willing to try new things that will accommodate both of your lifestyles.
“Commit to doing things that may be out of character for the sake of making your partner feel special,” says Rancic.
Make Time for Friends
You may want to put all of your effort into making your relationship work, but in doing so, it is possible that you will lose some of the friendships you have built during college. It can be tough for your friends to understand your relationship – obviously, right? They are not in it! Make sure that you are making time for your friends, and having your boyfriend do the same. If not, both of you will be so reliant on each other that it will destroy your relationship – who wants their significant other to have nothing else going on in their life aside from the relationship? Spending time with friends will make both of you happier in the long run, which can only help your relationship – plus, your pals will be much more supportive of what the two of you are doing as a couple if they feel as though you are just as committed to your friendship as you are to your relationship.
“Encourage your partner to spend time with his/her friends, either alone or as a couple,” says Rancic. “The unique joy they bring into your partner’s life will also enrich your relationship!”
Communicate
Since you are not necessarily on the same page anymore, it is important that you make time to truly communicate with each other. Every few weeks, check in on the relationship. Are you happy? Do you feel as though the two of you are going to be able to make this work? “My boyfriend graduated two years ago, and we could not make it work,” says Katie, a junior at Columbia College. “All he cared about was work, which I guess I understand now, but at the time I really resented him for it.” Don’t let this happen to you! Make sure that your boyfriend knows how you feel and what you are expecting from the relationship. If he wants to make it work, he will take your feelings into consideration and make the necessary changes. But remember to listen to him, too. The door swings both ways, ladies – communication is key.
“Check in with each other on a regular basis, to connect over good and bad things in your life,” says Rancic.
If you need a little more advice, here are three dating rules to live by, courtesy of Glamour magazine:
- When It’s Right, It’s Easy – “If you find yourself agonizing over what to text him, or picking apart every bit of communication to try and figure out why he’s not calling… it ain’t workin’.”
- Don’t Do Things You’re Not Comfortable With – “Learn to pay attention to that little, bitty voice inside of you.”
- He Should Make You Feel Great – “Why would you stay in a relationship if it’s not making you happy?”
Good luck, collegiettes – I know you can make your relationship work, no matter the age difference!
Sources:
College students from across the country
Abraham Lloyd: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/tips/age-difference-relationships
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/single-ish/2010/12/3-dating-rules-to-live-by.html
Giuliana and Bill Rancic, I Do, Now What? Secrets, Stories, and Advice from a Madly-in-Love Couple.