Breakups are tough. You go through the drama, the tears, the “we’re never talking again” texts… and yet, sometimes, you still feel that lingering pull of wanting to still be friends. What if, instead of walking away completely, you consider a post-breakup friends with benefits situation? It’s tempting, right? The comfort, the attraction, and that built-in understanding you already have together seem like a perfect way to ease out of things. But, truly, can you be friends with benefits after a breakup?
Navigating a casual setup with someone who was once not-so-casual can be a minefield just waiting to explode. Old emotions don’t just disappear, and the lines between “just friends” and something more can blur real fast, especially when feelings decide to make an epic comeback (spoiler: they often do). Still, if your relationship was rooted in respect and clear communication, there’s a slim chance it might actually work.
But let’s not get carried away. This isn’t for everyone; it demands brutal honesty with yourself and each other. Even if things feel crystal clear, feelings have a sneaky way of complicating things. To break it all down, I spoke with licensed clinical professional counselor Braquelle Murphy, who shared what you need to consider before taking the plunge into “breakup benefits” — because is it truly a fresh start, or just a path to heartache?
Can being intimate with an ex make it harder to move on?
So, you’re considering a post-breakup rendezvous with your ex — no judgment, it happens! But before you dive back in, ask yourself: is this helping you heal, or just keeping you on the emotional roller coaster? Getting physical with an ex can mess with your head more than you might expect. “This dynamic can be challenging because it can be hard to be on the same page with your ex-partner,” Murphy tells Her Campus. That “bonding hormone” oxytocin, which Murphy explains, “promotes feelings of closeness, attachment, and connectedness during intimate moments,” can make the relationship feel not-so-over, even if your head knows it is.
There are exceptions, though. Honest conversations and maybe even seeking mental health support (solo or as a duo) could lead to real personal growth. “You can continue to explore clear boundaries and expectations,” she says. “Both people could attend individual therapy, or you could attend relationship therapy to promote continued growth and learning.”Â
But be real with yourself — if hanging out with your ex stirs up stress or rehashes old fights, it’s a red flag. If you notice increased anxiety, sadness, or a lack of respect for boundaries, you might be stuck in the past. “It may be helpful for someone to notice their body and pay attention to the cues that something may be helpful or hurting,” Murphy suggests. “It may be helpful to seek professional support to navigate emotions, expectations, boundaries, and process unresolved past stuff.”
How can someone set boundaries with an ex from becoming confusing or painful?
“Communication, trust, empathy, compassion, and mutual respect can continue to improve,” says Murphy. Sit down and clarify what you both want. Are you looking for comfort without commitment? Or just company when you’re lonely? Setting specific expectations from the start can help prevent any one-sided hopes or hidden agendas from building up.Â
“It could be helpful to have honest conversations about expectations and concerns about the relationship dynamic,” she says. “It can be beneficial to set physical, emotional, and time boundaries early on.” Be upfront about what is and isn’t okay to do together, and check in regularly about how you’re both feeling. If something starts feeling uncomfortable or you notice any anxiety creeping in, speak up early.
is it always a risk?
Reconnecting with an ex isn’t always destined to be a disaster, but certain qualities in your past relationship can make it more likely to go smoothly. “Strong communication, honesty, and overall compatibility can be helpful qualities that help to maintain boundaries and expectations in the relationship,” Murphy says. If your previous relationship had a foundation of respect and good communication, you’re off to a strong start. It means you’re both more likely to have honest conversations about what you’re feeling and to respect any boundaries you set.
If you both took time to reflect on why things ended and have grown since then, there’s a chance this arrangement could feel more grounded. “Attachment is formed in childhood with primary caregivers and this attachment influences our relationships later in life,” she says. “Someone may be holding trauma from past experiences or trauma from the relationship that impacts how these friends-with-benefits dynamics feel in their body.” Personal growth, like working on attachment styles or past issues in therapy, can help make reconnecting a conscious decision rather than just a habit.
Being FWB buddies post-breakup is a tempting choice but definitely not a simple one. Just be real with yourself about whether it’s truly helping you move on or just keeping you tied to the past — and don’t be afraid to set boundaries (or walk away) if it feels like more heartache than healing.