Not every relationship bubbles over with kisses and cuddling. Even your favorite hookup isn’t always all fun and games. Arguments happen. There’s conflict, and hopefully, resolution. Disagreements are a normal part of relationships. There is, however, a difference when the relationship becomes abusive.
In college, emotional abuse, defined as isolating partners from others, using criticism, threats, and verbal aggression, is more common than you’d think.
In a 2000 study, more than half of college women reported being emotionally abused in some way. It’s important to recognize that abusive relationships don’t always mean physical violence. Verbal, or emotional abuse, can be just as harmful, and sometimes more so, than physical abuse. Her Campus spoke with Dr. Steven Stosny, a family violence consultant and author of Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One, about signs to look for before the abuse begins, and what to do if it starts.
When Mr. Perfect Becomes Abusive
According to Stosny’s article on Psychology Today, sometimes the obvious red flags like anger and violent behavior don’t show until later in the relationship. There are, however, signs to look for before the abuse actually happens. Stosny calls these qualities “very early warning signs” of a potential abuser:
Very Early Warning Signs of Abuse:
- Blaming- Blaming their negative feelings and bad luck on someone else.
- Resentment- Caring so much about themselves that they become insensitive to the feelings and rights of others.
- Entitlement- Believing that they deserve special treatment from others.
- Superiority- Pointing out why they are smarter, or better than others.
- Pettiness- Creating large issues out of small problems.
- Sarcasm – Boosting their own ego by making witty comments about something they don’t agree with.
- Deceit – Exaggerating or telling lies about their own qualities or experiences to boost their self confidence.
- Minor Jealousy- Getting (or even just looking) upset if you talk to, or look at another guy.
- Rushing- Wanting you so much that they don’t care about whether you are comfortable.
“There is more entitlement today,” Stosny says. “People feel entitled to act on their feelings at the moment, regardless of their effects on others. As a culture, Stosny says, we’re addicted to blame; the idea that “if I feel bad it must be your fault.”
Stosny says one example of a blaming statement is: “You’re so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that b***h I used to go out with.” At first, this may seem like a compliment to you, but, Stosny says, when you become the closest person to him, the blame will turn on you.
When it comes to pettiness, “if he makes a big deal out of nothing or focuses on one small, negative aspect of an issue, a relationship with him will be disastrous,” Stosny says.
Briana, a sophomore at Syracuse University, experienced the early warning sign of jealousy in her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. Two months after the two started dating, his jealousy become severe. “If I talked to any guys, he had to know their name and what we talked about,” she says. “He somehow got [the phone company] to send him everyone I’d ever texted or called.”
Stosny says more passionate relationships can turn bad more quickly. “Slower going ones take a while,” he adds.
Once the switch happens, Stosny says these early warning signs become more overtly abusive: criticism of personality, name-calling, demeaning, belittling.
That is exactly what happened in Michelle’s* relationship.
Michelle, of the University of Oregon, met her ex-boyfriend during her sophomore year of high school. He was perfect: Mr. Popular, a football star, and just one year older than she, and of course, cute. “I thought he was way out of my league,” Michelle said.
After a few late-night conversations and casual dates, Michelle was no longer intimidated. “He treated me like a princess and said he was lucky to have me,” she said.
Looking, back, there were no signs of what was to come. “He was completely devoted to me and always doing little things to try to make me happy,” Michelle said. “He was my best friend.”
Danielle, of Davis College, also never would have predicted the behavior of her now ex-boyfriend, Allen*.
The two met in a church group. Allen was two years older than Danielle. “[At the time] I was a little naive about relationships,” Danielle says. “But I still don’t think I would have known it was coming.”
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The Rules of Abuse:
Michelle was still a senior in high school when her now ex-boyfriend, Tom*, went to college. The two had been together for over a year, and decided to keep the relationship going despite the distance.
“Looking back, I was probably controlling when he left – he was away at a huge party school and I just couldn’t relate,” Michelle said. “I didn’t understand why he would go out on a Thursday, or why he couldn’t come home every other weekend, or why he didn’t want to talk for an hour on the phone every night, like we’d done in high school.”
Rather than realize that Michelle couldn’t relate to his situation, Tom resented her. “He came up with a bunch of rules, designed to have me interfere with his life at college as little as possible,” she said.
Tom decided they could only talk every other day. If she called him on a “non-talking” day (even on his birthday or the day she got into college), he’d “punish” her by taking away more days of phone calls or refusing to come home to visit.
“Our calls had strict time limits – even if we were in the middle of an awesome conversation, he’d just hang up on me once the limit rolled around,” Michelle said.
This cycle of rules and punishments that Michelle’s boyfriend used is a clear sign of abuse, Stosny says.
“A relationship must have behavior requests, not demands enforced by coercion or punishment for non-compliance,” he says. “The message of the relationship should be grow, develop, and achieve your potential, not hide, cover up, or think and behave only in certain ways.”
In line with a 2003 study that reports that for men, stress contributes to verbal aggression and physical violence in romantic relationships, Tom’s outbursts were often when he was stressed about classes, or upset with his friends.
“He’d call me mean names in a fight or refer to how ‘young,’ ‘immature,’ or ‘clueless’ I was,” Michelle said. “He would talk trash about me with his friends, so they all started to harass me – prank calling or texting me, making lewd sexual jokes about me – and he’d just laugh along.”
The fact that Michelle’s boyfriend was indifferent to her feelings is another abusive trait, Stosny says.
“Look for someone who values you – what you think and feel is as important as what he/she thinks and feels,” he says. Your partner must value you when you feel bad, and when you don’ t like his or her behavior.”
Although the abuse in Michelle’s relationship started after a year, sometimes it occurs much sooner. Danielle’s boyfriend began emotionally abusing her just weeks into the relationship. “He suggested I wear tighter clothes, eat less as an attempt to lose weight, went through my phone contacts and told me who to be friends with,” Danielle said. “He’s the reason I ditched my glasses and went for the contacts.”
Almost immediately into the relationship, Danielle’s self-esteem went down the drain, and she considered becoming anorexic.
“I actually believed everything he said and suggested I change,” she said. “I thought I would never be deserving of anything better.”
The stress of the abuse had other effects on Danielle’s personality as well. “I was fighting with my parents, and doing horribly in school,” she says. “It was the most awful year of my life.”
Whether she realized it at the time, the fact that Danielle’s self-esteem and happiness disappeared indicated a serious problem in the relationship.
“Listen to your inner voice of what seems right and genuine for you,” Stosny suggests. “Especially listen to your body’s reaction to fear of harm – your body reacts to a level of aggression that is probably beyond the conscious awareness of your partner.”
Regardless, Danielle says she stayed in the relationship because she felt it was the best she could do.
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Keeping Your Friends Close
According to the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, emotional abuse as part of intimate partner violence, or IPV, is often more harmful than physical abuse. Dealing with it is not easy.
Danielle says the whole situation was extremely confusing for her.
“I believed him but I also knew it was all wrong,” she says.
During her relationship with Allen, Danielle lost most of her friends.
“I never voiced my opinions about the abuse,” Danielle says. “I didn’t feel like anyone would understand.”
Michelle had a different plan to fix the relationship.
“I just kept telling myself to wait it out, and I convinced myself that it might be my fault,” Michelle said. “When he’d blow up at me or do one of his punishments, I’d tell myself that he’d be home for the weekend in 8 days and once he came back, we’d figure it out and I’d make him love me again.”
Rather than trying to overcome the abuse on your own, Stosny recommends confiding in your friends.
“Isolation makes abuse worse,” he says. “A network of friends is the best solution.”
The same goes for your friends, if a friend of yours is in an emotionally abusive relationship. If a friend is in an abusive relationship, the best option for you is to just be there for her.
“Point out that they deserve better treatment,” Stosny says, “and offer whatever emotional support you can.”
Let her know that, as Danielle says, “nothing the person says to demoralize you is true. You deserve better, and there are good people out there.”
When in an abusive relationship, Stosny says to end the relationship as compassionately as you can. If you are afraid of the person, seek help from a local domestic violence agency.
Tips from Michelle and Danielle on Dealing with Emotional Abuse:
- “Don’t think that every guy is going to think you’re cute in sweatpants with mascara running down your cheeks when you cry. But there will be one to wipe away the tears and make you feel beautiful no matter what you wear.” – Danielle
- “If he or she only cares about the physical and doesn’t care about who you are as a person, don’t stick around.” – Danielle
- “Be wary of thinking that something’s just a phase, or that he’ll eventually go back to normal. A pattern of abusive behavior probably won’t reverse itself out of the blue.” – Michelle
- “The hardest part is trying to see the forest through the trees, trying to be aware of when it’s crossing the line, of when it’s becoming a trend or a behavior pattern [and not an isolated incident].” – Michelle
*Names have been changed
Sources:
Psychological Abuse Perpetration in College Dating Relationships (study)
Dr. Steven Stosny, family violence consultant and author of Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One
Psychology Today article
Danielle, Davis College
Michelle*, University of Michigan