“Oh my god, no. You’re way prettier. What is she wearing, anyway?” Questions regarding a boyfriend’s ex always evoke encouraging responses from your besties. You sigh and think they’re just trying to cheer you up, but yeah, maybe they’re kinda right… her cleavage is far too skanky to be sexy… and if you squint your eyes… she does kinda look like Michael Jackson.
Is there a girl out there who doesn’t feel a twinge (or more) of jealousy when the topic of her guy’s ex comes up? It’s hard to believe that someone else (gasp!) was once the object of your honey’s affection. As college students, we have to remember that most of the guys we’ll date have been in one or two… or ten… relationships before their current one.
You can’t blame your guy for having a life before you met; it’s not like you didn’t kiss a few frogs before Prince Charming showed up. You may find yourself stressing over your boyfriend’s ex, however, and sometimes it can lead your relationship in the wrong direction. Jealousy and the ex are a touchy subject to deal with but if you ignore it, it might just show up in the form of runny mascara, puffy-eyed beer tears at your next party. Diagnosing the terms of the break-up between your boyfriend and his ex should give you a clearer understanding of how to deal.
If he broke up with her…
If your boyfriend broke it off with his ex, chances are you’re in the clear. There was obviously a reason he felt the need to call it quitsand lucky for you, he ended things with her. There’s no need to pry for the nitty-gritty details; it will only lead to unnecessary stressin’. “Talk about him and them ONCE and get it over with,” suggests David Coleman, dating and relationships expert. Ask your guy what terms he’s on with his ex and you should get an idea of how the break-up went. Coleman also notes that it is, “absolutely not necessary to know the details about their break-up unless there were issues of infidelity, abuse, etc. that he needs to address before you even consider dating him for real. You are not her and the interaction with you is not the same,” says Coleman.
Laura, a collegiette™ at Virginia Tech, admits to prying for details and learning the hard way to leave the ex factor out of the equation. “I dated a guy a while back and I would always casually mention his ex in conversation just to see what he’d say about her. I was a little jealous and I knew the girl. Eventually, a night came where I brought it up for the millionth time, and he completely lost it.He didn’t know why I kept bringing her up and accused me of not trusting his word of saying he was completely over her (which to be honest, I wasn’t). We broke up not long after.” In some cases, it’s a completely uncomfortable subject for your guy. “If he never mentions her, relax and do the same!” suggests Laura.
If she broke up with him…
In this case, you need to be more cautious with your diagnosis of the ex. If the break-up was recent, and the ex burned your boy pretty badly, chances are he could still be hurting. Look for red flags in his behavior: Does he bring her up in conversation more than a few times? Do they still talk via Facebook, phone or texting? “If the ex has broken up with him, it is riskier for them to be friends because guys always need to feel as if they were the ones to call it quits, warns Carole Lieberman, M.D., psychiatrist and author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets. “He will be tempted to get back with her just so he can be the one to end it when he’s good and ready,” Dr. Lieberman explains. The ex can be a threatening third party in this case and it’s important not to be naïve. If he’s immature, calls her names or doesn’t want to share any info with you, he may still be hung up on this chick. Finding out about the break-up is important because “it may reveal something about him that would make you think twice about continuing the relationship,” says Dr. Lieberman.
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So you know the ins and outs of the break-up. Now you actually have to deal with the unwanted variable in your love equation. Here’s how:
If she’s in your class
If the ex is in one of your classes, there’s no need to go out of your way to make friends with her. There’s potential for a lot of tension in your own relationship if all of a sudden you and your boyfriend’s ex are sharing secrets and doing problem sets together. “Be polite and pleasant to your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Any sign of irritation with her will be interpreted as your feeling threatened by her. This will give her the signal that she has a chance to win him back, and, if you’re mean to her, she might just do it to show you that she’s more desirable than you are,” says Dr. Lieberman. It is important not to ignore her however, because you both know who each other are. “Short, limited, cordial interactions are fine,” says Coleman.
If she’s in your social circle or you have mutual friends
Like my mother always told me: “take the high road.” In any situation, you don’t want to be “that girl”, so understand that all of your actions will have consequences. If your ears are constantly ringing and you know the ex is talking about you to friends, keep a cool head on your shoulders and don’t let it ruffle your feathers. After all, you’re the one dating him now and she’s not. “Act as if it doesn’t matter, because truly it doesn’t. He is YOUR boyfriend now,” says Coleman. Have a best girlfriend around at parties where you know you might run into the ex. This way she can remind you not to say anything provocative or do anything rash. Let’s get real here; alcohol and exes don’t always mix well. Remember too that as time passes situational circumstances arise that will evoke different behavior. If it has been years since your BF and his ex broke up, these rules may no longer apply. Coleman reminds us, “they are just another person in class, at a party or at a social function.” Don’t burn any bridges with the ex, either, because you never know how things will turn out with your current guy.
If you don’t know her but find yourself super jealous
Facebook is the devil’s advocate in these situations. It’s unnerving to have the ability to look at thousands of pictures of his ex (and your boyfriend!) especially if you’re jealous of her for any reason. So she’s got great hair, who cares?! Kailey, a junior at the University of Illinois decided to put an end to her constant Facebook stalking of her guy’s ex: “I could only see her profile when I went on my boyfriend’s account, so I asked him to change his password so I wouldn’t be tempted. In the end, it helped a lot. I totally stopped stressing about her and pretty much forgot about her.” In the long run, remember that stressin’ about the ex doesn’t do any good. Dr. Lieberman’s advice on dealing with the ex? “Tell yourself that his experience with his ex taught him something, and now he is hoping to trade up.”
SOURCES:
College women from across the country
David Coleman, relationships lecturer and dating doctor
Carole Lieberman, M.D., psychiatrist and author of “Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets”
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