Whether you want to admit it or not, you’ve probably been jealous of a friend’s relationship, or sex life, at some point in time. When you’re single, or in a dry spell (been there), it’s easy to fall victim to the green-eyed monster if you have a friend that’s having great sex, especially if they have no problem telling you all about it. And trust me, it’s more common than you’d think.
Being jealous of a friend’s sex life has nothing to do with the person they’re with, for the most part. In the past, I’ve been jealous of my friend’s spontaneous hookups, wild and kinky romps, and YouTuber storytime-worthy one-night stands without even thinking about the person (or people) they slept with. When you’re jealous of a friend’s sex life, it doesn’t come from a place of being attracted to that friend or the folks that they’re sleeping with. In my experience, jealousy stems from a place of feeling left out, or like you’re not good enough to receive basic sexual attention and pleasure.
It doesn’t matter if they’re with their long-term partner, or off having super hot sex with a total stranger: when you have a friend with an amazing, brag-worthy sex life, the only thing on your mind might be “I wish I had a sex life like theirs.”
So, how can you beat the jealousy and become supportive of your friend’s sex life? I asked certified sex therapist Aliyah Moore, PhD. and Suzannah Weiss, AASECT-certified sex educator and sexologist at BedBible, about what to do if you find yourself jealous of a friend’s sex life.
Is it normal to be jealous of a friend’s sex life?
Yup. If you have a friend who’s constantly booked with dates and has the steamiest stories to tell about her hookups, it’s natural to feel a bit envious. And, if you’re not attracted to your friend or their sexual partner(s), it can be confusing to identify why. “Often, [jealousy] happens because we are single or going through a dry spell, and we take this to mean that we are less desirable than those who are having sex or who have a partner,” Weiss tells Her Campus. “It’s important not to interpret our own situation this way, as most people have quiet periods in their sex and love lives.”
Additionally, when your friend has an exciting sex life, it can make you feel down on yourself or even insecure — and that’s 100% OK. “Feeling inadequate or self-conscious can arise if a friend appears to be having a more fulfilling or active sexual life,” Moore tells Her Campus. “Yet it’s critical to acknowledge that every person’s sexual experience is unique and shaped by a variety of elements, including personality traits, relationship dynamics, and communication abilities.”
It’s natural to get caught up in a whirlwind of self-consciousness when your friend is telling you about their incredible sex life. Believe me, I’ve totally been there. However, take a beat to realize that your friend is an entirely different person who is living an entirely different life than you. “They may be putting themselves out there more or prioritizing this part of their life, or they may simply be open to a greater range of people and experiences than us,” Weiss explains. “This doesn’t make them or their situation superior.”
So, why am I envious of my friend’s dating life?
Jealousy is an uncomfortable feeling. The first step to overcoming envy, however, is taking the time to look inward about why you’re feeling that way in the first place. “Consider the exact things that have triggered your jealousy,” Moore recommends. “Do these feelings stem from underlying insecurities or unmet needs? This self-reflection might reveal important insights into the underlying causes of your envy.”
Similarly, your jealousy may stem from frustrations with your own sex life. “For instance, some women who struggle to orgasm may feel jealous of a friend who always orgasms during sex,” Weiss says. “In this case, it’s important to remember that you can get where your friend is, even if that’s not where you are right now.”
OK, but How do I become less jealous of my friend?
Like all things, jealousy eventually passes. However, if those feelings of envy continue to stick around, it might be worth it to talk to your friend about what’s on your mind. “Consider starting an open and honest talk with your friend about your sentiments, emphasizing that your goal is not to condemn or judge, but rather to obtain a deeper understanding of your emotions,” Moore says. “Sharing your vulnerabilities can strengthen your bond and create a conducive climate for mutual understanding. Focus on creating thankfulness for your own experiences and skills, knowing that interpersonal fulfillment is subjective and personal.”
And once the door is opened, Weiss recommends using your jealousy to empower you to ask your friend for advice. “Ask your friend what they think their secret is to having such an active and great sex life,” she says. “You are fully capable of having what they have, so instead of despairing that you’re not there yet, learn from your friend.”
If the idea of hookups freaks you out (relatable), fear not; contrary to what you might believe, sexual empowerment and fulfillment are things that come from within. “Consider solo exploration and self-pleasure as a way to gain a deeper understanding of your body,” Moore says. “This self-awareness not only boosts your confidence, but it also provides vital insights into your own needs and preferences, which you can then communicate with your partner(s) to create a more meaningful sexual connection.”
And, also, don’t feel pressured to have sex just because your friend is. “Be true to yourself — you don’t need to be as sexually active as your friends or to be having sex the way they do,” Weiss says. “When presented with a potential sexual opportunity, take a moment to check in with yourself, and listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel quite right, don’t bother with it; another opportunity will come along. If something does feel right, voice your desires.”
At the end of the day, it’s incredibly understandable to feel jealous about a friend’s sex life. While envy can be extremely uncomfortable, just know that these feelings can be eased through honest conversation… and the frustration quelled by a little “you time.” Wink.