Your best friend’s guy is off-limits. Or is he? Some girls wouldn’t think twice about having anything to do with a friend’s ex-boyfriend, but others manage to find “legal” loopholes and ways to justify doing it. Then there are the guys you just hooked up with – and while you know you have impeccable taste in men and can’t really blame your girlfriends for wanting a piece of that action – you find it odd to discover that a friends of yours hooked up with the same guy as you. Is that okay?
Before you decide to trade in your friends for not following the Girl Code, maybe you should make sure you and they know what it is.
Ellie Scarborough, founder and queen bee of Pink Kisses, a website dedicated to helping girls recover from breakups, shares her answers on how to handle five common situations that come up between girlfriends and exes. Dan Lier from ASK Dan & Mike gives us a guy’s perspective and explains how to deal with these delicate situations. And some of our (not-always-so-innocent) collegiettes™ weigh in.
Can you date a friend’s ex-boyfriend?
Scarborough: Let’s be honest – there’s something seductive about a guy who’s off-limits, but he’s off-limits for a reason. There are billions, literally billions of guys out there. Why do you have to pull one right out from under your friend’s nose? Friendships are built on trust, and that trust is violated when you dig into one another’s “leftovers.”
Lier: You can do anything you want, but like all actions, there are consequences. Dating your friend’s ex will change your relationship with her without a doubt. So, depending on how important your friend is to you, this might be something to consider. Generally speaking, it’s not a good idea and you will most likely lose your friendship with the girl. If she is not the kind of person who is a true friend anyway, then go for it.
Jessica, University of Pittsburgh 2010 graduate: I was the girl who dated my friend’s ex. Samantha and I weren’t great friends to begin with, but we moved in the same circle and she was really good friends with my roommate. So when I started dating Samantha’s ex, the entire group of friends divided—most of them sided with Samantha, including my roommate. It took about a year before Samantha finally re-friended me on Facebook (the modern-day equivalent to being on speaking terms again!), but I still don’t think she’s forgiven me to this day. I could have brought the situation up with her and found out if she was comfortable with it beforehand, but I probably would’ve dated him either way. They dated for six months. We dated for two years. They don’t talk anymore. He and I talk every day.
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Can you just hook up with a friend’s ex-boyfriend?
Scarborough: It is absolutely, positively not okay to put your paws on someone from your friend’s past for any reason whatsoever. Just imagine how you’d feel if the roles were reversed. Even if time has passed and it seems like the feelings between them have died, that’s not an excuse. There’s no erasing the fact that your friend has history with the guy, and if you get physical with him, you’re trespassing. Simple as that.
Lier: This goes against the “Girl Code.” You don’t want to be known as someone who goes after friends’ leftovers. That’s cheap. Scavengerous. There are plenty of guys out there to hook up with and getting with a friend’s ex-boyfriend not only breaks the “Girl-Code,” it also makes a loud statement about who you are from a loyalty standpoint and how you see yourself. You don’t need to hook up with your friend’s ex-boyfriend.
Laura, New England liberal arts college sophomore: Two of my best friends are in a huge fight right now because Ashley hooked up with Sarah’s ex. It happened once already last semester. Ashley promised Sarah it would never happen again. But two weeks ago, Ashley and Sarah’s ex hooked up again, and now Ashley and Sarah aren’t talking to each other. Even though Sarah has another boyfriend now and says she’s completely over her ex, she’s still mad at Ashley for breaking a promise.
Can you hook up with a friend’s past hookup?
Scarborough: Hookups are a tricky thing. We like to tell ourselves it’s just physical and doesn’t mean anything, but we’re not as in control as we think. Bonding chemicals are released into a woman’s system when she reaches orgasm, and regardless of who the guy is or how much he might not be the right fit, we can still get attached. So even though you might think your friend wasn’t emotionally involved with him, it’s not so black and white.
Plus, wondering if your hookup is thinking about past experiences with your friend while he’s kissing you is not hot. So, can you hook up with a friend’s past hookup? Probably. Should you? NO!
Lier: The only time it gets tricky is if your friend still has feelings for the guy—that could damage your relationship with your friend. If it was completely casual, absolutely.
Nicole, University of Iowa senior: This depends on the hookup. Personally, I don’t want to have sex with someone a good friend of mine also had sex with. That’s just weird. If my friend just made-out with him once, I think that’s okay.
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How to handle friends being friends with your exes…
Scarborough: If you have a particular girlfriend who is going out of her way to hang out with your ex, you probably need to have a major discussion with her about respecting your friendship. If she doesn’t understand why you’re upset or doesn’t seem to care, she’s not a true friend. If she’s keeping him around with the intention of hooking up with him or dating him in the future, move on from both of them.
Lier: It all depends on the situation. There are too many potential situations to make a general statement on what a girl should do if her friends are hanging around with her exes. Yet, a good rule of thumb is communication is always key. For the best results, try to keep it to a non-emotional discussion.
Karen, Graceland University senior: I went to a party of one of my girlfriends, who happens to be friends with both of my exes. I took my fiancé along just to have someone to talk to in case she was drunk. She was. And then she pulled me into the other room to chat, leaving my fiancé in the main room talking to one of my exes. Then I ran into the other one and mistook him for someone else. Two exes, one party—one bad idea. It was awkward!
Can you stay friends with your guy friend’s ex-girlfriend? Can you date him?
Scarborough: Dating the guy depends on how genuine your friendship has become with his ex. Sure, you knew him first, but if she’s a good friend and you’re a decent human being, you won’t go after him, because friends don’t prey on friends’ breakups. If she’s just an acquaintance and you’ve been friends with the guy for a lot longer than you’ve known her, choose wisely and know that if you end up kissing the guy, you can kiss your friendship with his ex goodbye.
Lier: You can date the guy. You were friends with him first. This would also depend on how “close” of friends you have become with the girl, yet we stay firm on the fact that you were friends with him first, so go for it.
Victoria, New York University junior: This situation has happened to me before, and in my case my good guy friend asked me to no longer speak to her. As his friend, I respected his wishes since she only hung out with us because of him. She would send me an occasional message over Facebook and that was it. I never went ahead and made plans to hang out with her. He is my friend, and she only was because of him. My loyalty stayed with him. In my situation, I would never date this particular guy friend, but I could see it turning into a bit of an awkward situation if I did.
Sources:
Dan Lier, relationship, sex and communication expert from ASK Dan & Mike
Ellie Scarborough, founder and queen bee of Pink Kisses, a website dedicated to breakup recovery
Jessica, University of Pittsburgh 2010 graduate
Karen, Graceland University 2011
Laura, New England liberal arts college 2013
Nicole, University of Iowa 2011
Victoria, New York University 2012