Dear Her,
We need to talk.
You, my friend, are a nosy little vixen. I know that every time you ask your man if you can check your email on his laptop, you take a peek at his browsing history to see what kind of tawdry content he views in between thoughtful posts to your Facebook wall.
For shame, naughty girl! I’m fairly certain that the Bill of Rights grants us a right to privacy. That’s one of the few tidbits I know about U.S. law. Also that Virginians couldn’t legally enjoy buttsex until 2003.
And on the occasions you commit these intrusive, unlawful acts, you might come across some unsavory titles, such as:
hotsexybitches.com
dirtysluts.com
boobsgalore.com
Wow, I thought I was just listing generic website names, but apparently more than one of those is real.
In any case, your man likes the surf the dirty wave of online pornography. Frankly, I’m surprised you didn’t see this coming. After all, he has a penis. And an Internet connection.
But whether or not you’re surprised, the question is: Should you should be mad at the misogynistic pervert for carrying on with these cyber tramps when he’s supposed to be faithful to you?
Well, I’m not sure you’re going to like what I’m about to tell you. Because, in all fairness, he’s known Porn longer than he’s known you, and as I’ve always been taught, a man must choose his bros before his hoes.
Yes, to your man, Porn is a buddy. They became close during those awkward middle school years, when a boy is judged by how fast his leg hair is coming in, and (to most boys) girls seem simultaneously terrifying, thrilling, and soft in all the right places. Your man grew up with Porn, spending late nights, holidays, and birthdays with it over the years. And, apart from the occasional Trojan virus, Porn became a loyal friend that your man knew would always be there for him in his times of need.
So should you be mad if your man looks at Porn? Well, think of it like any of your man’s friendships — perfectly fine until it starts to affect your relationship. If he starts suggesting you two try disturbing new bedroom ideas that he heard about from Porn; if he blows you off to go spend time with Porn instead; if he invites Porn over when you two are in the middle of private time — well then it might just be time to have a serious talk.
But until then, let the man have his occasional fun, and don’t worry too much. Because to your man, you’re so much better than Porn will ever be. And you’re still terrifying, thrilling, and soft in all the right places. Porn can only claim one or two of those. Tops.
Your GBF,
Scott