We collegiettes™ are excited about going back to school: sorority rush, cute freshman boys to corrupt and classes we, as of now, have a chance to get A’s in. What we’re not so excited about? Our ex-boyfriends/hook-ups/crushes/one-night stands/DFMOs. If they’re still on campus, they’re a problem. What’s a girl to do? Tristan Coopersmith, relationship guru and love stylist who’s been featured in Glamour and Elle, weighs in with his tips. See below for how to handle interactions with all the ex-lovers imaginable.
The Ex-Boyfriend
So you guys dated seriously or for at least a good amount of time. There are probably places that are going to make you feel sad and sappy when you pass by them: his fraternity house, the table you always shared at the dining hall, the tree you carved your initials into (okay, let’s hope you all haven’t made my mistakes). Instead of avoiding these places altogether (your campus is probably small enough!), mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that you may see your ex there or at other spots on campus. And if you do? Smile, wave and, if it seems appropriate, stop to talk for a brief minute. Unfortunately, this is what we, if we want to be considered adults, must do.
Coopersmith’s main advice is to avoid engaging for a long period of time. “Keep any interaction really short, no more than a couple of minutes,” she says. “Don’t ask if he’s seeing anyone else; don’t ask, ‘How’s your mom?’ You want to avoid going to that ‘I miss you’ place. Don’t emote.”
And whatever you do, when you see him, DO NOT:
- Pretend you didn’t see him and immediately look down at your phone
- Start crying
- Tell the friends who are with you to shoot him dirty looks
- Use any language stronger than, “Hi, how are you?”
No one wants to be known as the girl who loses it in public. This is especially important if you see him out at night. If you’ve been drinking, go into the bathroom and compose yourself if you must. And don’t BBM or text him later asking, “why didn’t you say hi to me???” or, “do you hate me??” None of these will be fun to see in your phone history the next morning.
The Ex You Ended it With
This isn’t He’s Just Not That Into You, and we’re not the only ones getting dumped. Sometimes, you end things with a guy who’s still trying to get with you or still has feelings for you. I know – shocking, right? Occasionally, we’re over it before they are. If you’re in this situation, the important thing to remember is to treat him the way you would want to be treated if you’d been dumped.
Coopersmith’s advice? Don’t brag and don’t try to show him you’re doing “so much better.” “Make sure that you’re not acting – it’s transparent,” Coopersmith says. “Don’t blab on and on that you went to this party, have this internship lined up and are thinking about traveling to Ghana this summer. And don’t make stuff up! If he asks you what you’re doing for spring break and you’re not doing anything, then say you’re not doing anything. Don’t make up that you’re going to Tahiti with your girlfriends.”
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The Ex-Hook-Up
You may never have been official, but the romance between you went on for some time, and now, for whatever reason, the flame’s out. Since he was never your boyfriend, there was never a breakup. How do you act around him? The same way you would around a friend whom you haven’t seen in a while. If you casually bump into him on campus, picture him as that guy who was your lab partner two semesters ago in Intro Chem. If you desexualize the encounter in your mind, you’ll be able to stay calm as you casually say, “How have you been? Haven’t seen you in forever!”
Coopersmith uses the trick that some use for public speaking: disconnect from whom you’re talking to and “[go] to a different place.” By imagining that you’re not talking to your ex, you can stay calm. Try it – it works!
The Ex-One-Time Thing
Don’t hang your head in shame if you see this guy. While you needn’t pay him as much attention as you would an ex-boyfriend or ex-hook-up, it’s still never good form to ignore someone. Wherever you see him, hold your head high and nod or wave. There’s nothing bad about a one-night stand if you act as though it’s no biggie the next day (and the day after that and even the next weekend when you see him go home with your sorority sister). Keep things casual – that’s the point, right?
“You want to walk away from every interaction being proud of your behavior,” Coopersmith says. “It’s about being your biggest, best self. Be graceful … [so that] no matter what the scenario is, you go away feeling good about yourself.”
The Ex-Crush
So you guys never hooked up. But, in the least Ginnifer-Goodwin-in-every-movie way possible, there was SOMETHING there, right? You’re not making this up! You two texted and were so close to hooking up … but nothing official ever happened before the end of last semester. How do you act when you see him? Take it from a girl who’s written boys’ names on her Trapper Keeper past the age of 12: play it cool. You won’t regret being friendly; you will regret slurring, “Why didn’t we ever hook up?” to him at the bar. If he’s still interested, he’ll let you know. Until that time comes (if it does), be nice and say hello when you bump into him. You can be a little flirty, but if he isn’t responding, lay off with the winks and light touches.
Coopersmith insists that with any ex interaction, “It’s about where you want to focus your energy. Don’t put too much energy into trying to bump into him; don’t put too much energy into avoiding him – it’s a waste of your time.”
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The Ex it Ended Badly With
The drama, the tears, the possible philandering on either side – bad breakups are never fun. You say things you don’t (completely) mean and give up all hope of ever being “friends.” Think Jake and Vienna. You think those two are gonna cozy up for coffee anytime soon? So how do you act when you see the guy whom you (supposedly) hate?
“You don’t want to be a b*tch,” Coopersmith says. “I don’t care if he cheated on you with three of your sorority sisters. You always want to stand tall.”
And if you see him with (yikes) another girl? “You want to be thought of in a good way,” Coopersmith says. “No matter how big your campus is, it’s still small. You don’t want your reputation to be a catty, jealous one. You want to be your best, authentic self.” To accomplish this, Coopersmith says to briefly say hi and make your graceful exit as soon as possible.
No matter what ex you run into, these tips will make you the most composed collegiette™ possible. Oh, if you do need to have a good cry about this stuff? This is the song to do it to – in the PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME, of course.
Sources
Tristan Coopersmith, love stylist and author of MENu Dating: Taste-Test Your Way to the Main Course
http://www.tvguide.com/News/Bachelor-Jake-Vienna-1020197.aspx
College girls from across the country