Have you ever had to deal with a “toxic friend” in your friend group? Maybe they’re not supportive of your passions, hobbies, and dreams, or maybe they speak negatively about your other friends behind their backs. Whether you’ve recognized it at the moment or not, most of us have had to deal with a toxic friend at some point in our lives. Friendship is supposed to be full of love, support, trust, and joy, but what do you do when one of your friends is bringing more stress than positivity?
Navigating the dynamics of a friend group can be tricky, especially when someone’s behavior turns toxic and they seem to always be radiating negativity. Whether it’s subtle manipulation or constant negativity, dealing with a toxic friend in a friend group can be draining and exhausting.Â
It’s difficult figuring out how to deal with a situation like this, especially when you don’t want to damage your friend group in its entirety. Maybe you think it’s best to stay quiet and just “deal with it”, but what happens when your toxic friend starts negatively impacting you and your well-being?
I spoke with board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Kirsten Thompson, so I could learn the best ways to protect your peace while also protecting your friendships when dealing with a toxic friend in your friend group.
There are some common red flags that indicate if a friend is toxic.
It can be so tricky to determine whether a friend is displaying toxic behavior or not. Maybe you’re blind to it, or maybe you’re so used to their behavior that you don’t even realize that it’s toxic. Either way, it’s important to know how to identify when a friend is toxic within a friend group.
“Indicators of being around a toxic person might include you feeling worse about yourself (rather than better) when you’re around them, if the relationship creates stress or negative emotions even when the person isn’t around, or if your relationships with the other friends [in the friend group] that were once positive and easy, become difficult once the toxic person is involved,” Dr. Thompson tells Her Campus.
It’s also important to recognize that in order to properly identify as “toxic”, a friend doesn’t have to fall under all of these indicators, or even any of them. When referring to a toxic friend, it’s crucial to realize that “rather than adding to the joy, safety, and comfort of a relationship, [they end up doing] the opposite,” Thompson adds.
Start by talking to your friend first.
It can be so tricky trying to navigate a toxic friend, especially if you’re someone like me, who tends to avoid confrontation at all costs. While you may want to just “deal with it” and avoid confronting your friend, it’s important to let your feelings take priority.Â
In case the person is unaware of their behavior and its impact, it could be beneficial to go straight to them, because they may be willing and able to change their behavior. “If the person has a negative reaction, or doesn’t agree with you, it might make sense to then discuss with the friend group to establish some friend group norms,” she says. “Addressing what the group thinks may help you decide if it’s one toxic person, or if the group has different norms that you might not agree with.”Â
Talking things out with your other friends may help you decide if it’s one toxic person, or if there’s some other dynamic within the group that’s off and should be addressed privately. “This is a good time to approach your friend group with this conflict because maybe their norms are different than yours,” Thompson adds.
It’s scary confronting a toxic friend, especially if you’re worried that this might hurt the dynamic of your friend group. However, a healthy relationship has “a foundation of safety and mutual respect, and the ability to work through differences,” as Thompson explains.
If your friends are truly your friends, they won’t allow a rough patch with a toxic friend to ruin your friendship with them. “Confronting others about their impact on you is a way to self-advocate and grow into better and healthier relationships,” Thompson shares.
But what if they disagree about their behavior?
“Part of [having] healthy boundaries is [recognizing that] you can share your feelings and even make requests, but the other person’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are entirely up to them,” Thompson adds. “It’s important to realize that you always have the power to disengage in the relationship and create boundaries with your physical space, communication, and being clear with mutual friends where you stand.” In a situation like this, being firm on boundaries is so important for your mental health and well-being. Just because your toxic friend doesn’t agree with you, doesn’t mean you have to stay friends with them.
While it’s completely normal for friends to have disagreements, it’s not normal to keep someone in your life if they’re negatively affecting your mental health and well-being.
Here’s when you know when to stay or walk away.
For the most part, how your toxic friend reacts to you sharing your feelings is a pretty good indication of their capacity for growth. Suppose your friend is responding with compassion and empathy, is apologetic, and is willing to change. In that case, it means that they’re committed to the friendship and that your relationship can likely be salvaged. “If someone reacts with anger, denial, and threats, it typically means they are rigid and disinterested in expanding their own perspective to include the perspective of others,” Thompson says. ”And it may be healthier to end the friendship.”Â
It’s important to do what’s best for you and your mental health, as well as understand that sometimes, friendships come and go.Â
Overall, prioritizing your mental health and feelings is the most important step when it comes to dealing with a toxic friendship in your friend group. While the idea of confronting your friend may seem scary, recognizing the problem and taking steps to address it is crucial to maintaining healthy friendships. It may feel overwhelming having to distance yourself and set boundaries, but remember that friendships are built on trust, respect, and most importantly, honesty. If these elements are missing, don’t be afraid to prioritize yourself and surround yourself with people who bring positivity and happiness to your life.