When Disney starlet Demi Lovato checked into rehab in October, rumors swirled that it was because of a drug addiction or an eating disorder. However, what some tabloids failed to mention was the possibility that she went to the doctor to heal a broken heart. The 18-year-old was previously dating Joe Jonas, who broke up with her in May 2010. Not too long after the split he began dating Twilight star Ashley Greene, and right before Demi checked into rehab when she was touring with the Jonas Brothers, Joe brought his new beau on tour with him and Demi (how insensitive!). Some have speculated it was Ashley’s tagging along that really pushed Demi over the edge. I’m sure other factors contributed to her downfall, but I’d also completely understand if it was this, post-break-up Joe Jonas action, that led her into an unbearable depression.
However, Demi is not the only one who has suffered severe depression after a break-up. There’s also the recent case of David Arquette, whose split from Courtney Cox caused him to engage in self-destructive behavior, leading him into a rehab facility. And there are also 69 college women out of 100, who were surveyed by Her Campus ™, who said they, too, felt depressed after their relationships ended.
Almost all of us will suffer a painful break-up at some point in our lives. Read on so you’ll be able to overcome it or help a friend do the same.
The break-up
He was your best friend, your knight in shining armor, the yin to your yang, which is why when he told you “he just didn’t feel it anymore,” or “he’s going through a quarter-life crisis and doesn’t want to drag you down too,” you went into an absolute state of shock, forcing you to see the bottoms of way too many Ben & Jerry’s.
“Break-ups can be devastating, especially if the one who was dumped believed that their partner was ‘the one.’ It is also especially hard if the relationship has gone on for a long time, if a lot of intimacy was involved, or if the partner who did the breaking up has a new love,” said Dr. Carole Lieberman, psychiatrist and author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets.
Unfortunately, there is no getting around the fact that break-ups are tough, but they are a part of life we all will, unfortunately, experience. After the initial blow, it’s completely normal to feel sad and even depressed. According to the Her Campus ™ survey, sad, hurt, and depressed were the three most common feelings college women felt after the split.
Post-Break-up Depression
When asked the direct question: “At any point after your break-up did you find yourself feeling depressed?” 69 percent of college women surveyed said “yes.”
“I felt depressed for at least a month, and it mainly got worse when I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and only got better when I actually got off the couch (or out of bed) and did things to keep myself busy and distracted,” said Hayley* a senior at Emerson College.
While Hayley* said she never thought about seeking professional help, she found comfort with the help of friends and family to battle her post break-up depression.
“I was really depressed for the first 2 weeks. I stayed in bed. I didn’t want to do anything. I guess I got to the point where I realized I had to get up. I had to get back to life. I wasn’t happy yet, but you can’t let a break-up ruin your life. I had to prove to myself that I could overcome it, I was stronger than a heartache,” said Kelly*, a senior at the University of Texas.
Another collegiette™ said she felt her post-break-up blues were caused by feeling like she was missing out on something by being single again.
“I usually got depressed mainly thinking about how much I missed having a boyfriend because I didn’t really miss my ex. Seeing my friends in relationships would bring me down because I wasn’t part of the ‘club’ anymore,” said Mary*, a junior at the University of Illinois.
For Emily* a junior at Western Michigan University, her break-up from her boyfriend of three years, which was her idea, still caused her a couple months of darkness.
“I was depressed for about two months. I had to isolate myself from the outside world. I didn’t want to go out and see anyone. I just felt too weak to do anything but sit in my room,” she said.
Emily* was already in therapy for another issue when her break-up happened, leading her to seek relationship advice from her therapist to help her overcome her problems and find happiness once again.
“I was seeking help for an eating disorder, but my sessions soon became about my relationship and how toxic it was for me to stay in it… after I lost the relationship I started to recover from my eating disorder.”
Rachelle*, a senior at Belmont University, felt depressed for almost a year after her boyfriend of four years ended the relationship.
“I felt depressed for probably about 7 months. It was a four-year relationship, so I had forgotten what it was like to be single and make decisions just for me. I felt like I needed to get to know myself again, so that’s what I focused on doing,” she said.
Moving on from the break-up
As Charlotte from Sex and the City said, it takes half the time you dated the person to get over them. In the Her Campus survey, 24 girls said it took them three months to move on, 19 said it took them six months, 21 said it took them about a year to heal their heartache— and another 21 collegiettes ™ said they are still pining over him. The remaining women said it took them between 2 weeks to a month.
Before moving on with your life, and from the relationship, it is okay (and healthy) to spend time in mourning, Dr. Lieberman said.
“Before moving on, a young woman should first indulge in at least a day or two of self-pity. She’s earned it. This can include crying, sitting in front of Lifetime movies with a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream, and cuddling under the covers with a stuffed animal leftover from childhood. Then she needs to get up, take a shower and go get some pampering: manicure, pedicure, and shopping and eating with friends who console her,” she said.
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At some point, when you are finished with your awesome, sad-song listening and cookie dough-eating self-pity party, Dr. Lieberman said you should take some time to self-reflect. After all, these young relationships do end up as a learning experience, teaching you lessons that you’ll hopefully be able to apply to your next romantic foray.
“Even if she thinks the problems were mainly his fault, she needs to ask herself what went wrong and what could she do differently next time. What can she fix about her appearance? How can she curtail her clingy behavior? And so on. For some break-ups, this may be enough. And, in time, the woman will just naturally move on.”
For the surveyed collegiettes ™, it was friends, family, and new boys that helped them get past their break-up.
“I tried to remind myself of why it wouldn’t have worked, and that I didn’t need to be with someone who could leave me so easily. I reminded myself that I will move on, and everything happens for a reason. Surely, I’d find someone even better.” — Hayley*, Senior, University of Michigan
“I really focused on myself. I did the things I love that I hadn’t been able to do forever because he had consumed me for two years. I reconnected with old friends. I bonded with my family. And I enjoyed being single and getting to know myself again.” — Sarah*, senior, Iowa State University
“I wouldn’t let myself talk about him, wouldn’t let myself talk to him, and wouldn’t online stalk him” — Liza*, junior, Arizona State University
“I dated someone else who was completely different from the guy before. I later compared the two and realized how blind I was before” — Sarah*, Senior, University of Iowa
“I read It’s Called a Break-up Because It’s Broken” — Heather*, Senior, University of Arizona
“I spent more time with my friends. I avoided him until I had fully moved on from the break-up. Then, I resumed contact with him and built a lasting friendship” — Cara*, Freshman, Harvard College
“Friends, they can always distract you with fun activities and girls-only outings. Finding a new guy doesn’t hurt either”— Alex*, Senior, Boston College
“Friends, lots of wine and Sex and the City episodes, preoccupying myself with school and work. I also lived away from home the summer following the break-up” — Molly, Junior, Franklin & Marshall College
“I focused on the bad in him and the relationship and played a game with myself… it was like a competition to see how long I could go without contacting or speaking about him” — Brittany*, Senior, Syracuse University
How To Determine When You Need Professional Help
For those who feel they just can’t move on after some serious sulking, Dr. Lieberman recommends seeking professional help—especially when the sadness turns into a clinical depression.
“Each girl needs to decide on her own how long to wait before seeking professional help. In general, if the depression lasts longer than a month, it would be valuable to seek help,” she said.
When experiencing the following symptoms for over a month you should consider professional help:
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Eating too much or too little
- Loss of pleasure in life
- Thoughts of suicide
“But, for some girls, help may be needed sooner,” she said. “For example, if a girl is feeling suicidal, or stops going to class, or starts drinking or using drugs to try to cope – these would be signs that help is needed ASAP,” she said.
Dr. Lieberman said in cases when professional help should be obtained, the campus counseling center is a good place to start.
“The first stop could well be the campus counseling center because it is easily accessible and presumably free. But, if the girl feels as though she needs help at a more sophisticated or more intense level than is offered on campus, she should contact the psychiatry department of the nearest medical school and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy, not just medication,” she said.
From those who have done it
In the Her Campus survey, 29 collegiettes ™ said they thought about seeking professional help after their break-up, and 22 actually did.
Kelly*, a sophomore at Harvard College, said she went to see a therapist to help her find clarity.
“There were days when I couldn’t think about anything else, replaying scenes from our relationship over and over again in my head, and I needed someone to help me refocus, and realize that not everything was my fault,” she said.
Trisha*, a senior at New York University, who also sought professional help after a break-up, found it was extremely helpful to talk to someone other than friends and family.
“I was so incredibly sad,” Trisha* said. “It did help to talk about it. I felt like everyone in my life was sick of hearing about it so it was nice to talk to someone else.”
Other young women went because they thought it would be helpful to hear an objective opinion on the situation.
“I did see a therapist for about six months, breaking-up with my boyfriend of almost three years was a serious life change, and as much as I love all my friends, I needed an objective opinion and a person I could go to and selfishly talk and cry all I needed. Even though therapy was temporary, it was incredibly helpful for sorting out my thoughts and emotions,” said Lisa*, a senior at Northeastern University.
And Kathryn*, a junior at the University of Michigan, went because she also felt like her friends were tired of hearing her talk about it.
“I went, and it was very helpful. I felt like I was annoying my friends when I talked about it all the time, but my counselor made sure that I knew that my feelings were legitimate and that she would always be there to listen. My only regret is that I didn’t go more often. I went maybe 6 times last year, and I think I could still benefit from going today,” she said.
Kim*, a senior at Brigham Young University, realized she needed more help than just friends and family when she noticed her health was at risk after her break-up.
“I was up crying all day and night. I had no appetite; I lost 7 pounds in 5 days. I spent many years with this person and could not imagine life without him. I ended up going to a psychologist and received anti-depressants,” she said.
The fact is a failed relationship is just that, a failure, and in any area of your life when you don’t succeed, chances are you’re going to be feeling down. It’s also a big change in your life, especially when you’ve spent so much time with that one person. Not all of these college women surveyed were the ones who were dumped either: 53 percent said “he broke-up with me,” 39 percent broke-up with him, and 12 percent said it was a mutual decision. No matter who wanted it to end, the fact is that it ended and the same feelings were felt.
I know all too well what these women have gone through, because I’ve been moving on from a break-up that happened about four months ago. I’ve experienced some really bad days and some really good days, I’ve questioned my own emotional stability, I’ve wondered if my still feeling down was “normal,” or if “there was something wrong with me.” But after hearing the experiences of 100 girls, and going through my own, I’ve learned that no break-up is the same, friends and family truly are the best remedies, and if you feel like you need to seek professional help to get over the break-up— that’s absolutely okay.
*Name has been changed
Sources:
Anonymous college students from around the country
Dr. Carole Lieberman, psychiatrist and author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets