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Wellness > Sex + Relationships

5 Ways To Make Consent Sexy & Not Transactional, From A Sexpert

Julia Heming

Let’s talk consent, folks. While it may seem daunting to bring consent up in the heat of the moment, there are ways to keep the conversation relaxed — or even make it a turn-on. (Consent is sexy!) Have you ever noticed that in the best smut novels, the dialogue surrounding consent is always a mix of sexy whispers and moaning? Everyone is on the same page, but the mood is perfect. No matter how long you have been with your partner, consent is not implied, so remember to check in with them about anything you will do. 

But, like, how is consent sexy? Isn’t it supposed to be kind of serious? Honestly, this method of getting consent turns it into foreplay getting both you and your partner excited for what is about to happen while still communicating the important stuff. And don’t worry, Sssh.com founder and director Angie Rowntree has some tips for making consent sexy, so you have all the info you need to bring these tactics to the bedroom. There are a lot of different approaches to getting consent, this list is the perfect way to sprinkle in the spicy vibes while still getting enthusiastic consent. 

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Communication is key.

“When we make consent sexy, we normalize being open about sexual desires and reciprocating those desires,” says Rowntree. “Hearing someone ask to kiss you or ask for your touch can feel amazing. Hearing that one word, ‘yes,’ can be irresistibly sexy and intimate.” 

It’s a time to whisper everything. Simple phrases like “I want you inside me” can be super powerful in the bedroom. Whispering phrases like “Where do you want me to touch you” is a sexy way of asking to touch, while giving your partner the power to work their way up to the sexy parts. Truly so spicy.

Discuss any fantasies you have beforehand.

This is a conversation I like to approach in the most casual setting possible. While taking a drive or cooking dinner ask your partner if they have ever considered role play. Then share the fantasy you want to explore in the bedroom. “Discuss the specifics and specify anything that is off-limits that might arise, and make sure you have a safe word,” says Rowntree. 

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Make it a (consensual) game.

The game “Mother, May I?” translates to asking for consent so well. You can interchange “mother” for your partner’s name, or anything they like (and content) to be called. 

“With this particular game, you not only receive consent for sexual acts, but for every single individual action as you build anticipation and excitement towards climax,” Roundtree says.

Using phrases like “[Name], may I kiss you here?” allows them to either consent excitedly or redirect to something else without ruining the mood. 

Play “hot and cold.”

Remember that guessing game where you would tell someone if they were close or far away from an idea by describing it as hot or cold? It translates perfectly to getting consent while adding in a little touch, hello erogenous zones! Pick a body part and have your partner touch different parts of your body while describing them as hot or cold. Once they get to the body part you were thinking of, react enthusiastically and let them have some fun there. 

“To make it more fun, try blindfolding your partner,” Roundtree suggests. “Who doesn’t love a spicy game? 

Show and tell.

If your partner wants you to do something specific to them, have them show you. Whispering in their ear the phrase “show me how you want to be touched” is the kind of toe-curling line a smut main character would whisper. Then have your partner show exactly how they want to be touched and enjoy the view while they beg for you to take over. “It becomes a dirty-talk-turned-physical sort of scenario that establishes consent in a way that turns on anyone involved,” says Rowntree. 

Have fun turning your partner on in a way that still establishes boundaries! Remember, consent is sexy!

Julia is a national writer for Her Campus. While she writes for all verticals, her focus is the wellness section, bringing you everything you need to know about relationships, astrology, and the best ways to get down and dirty. Julia is a grad student at Syracuse University where she studies communications. She is a graduate of Stony Brook University, where she studied journalism with a minor in women's studies. During her time at SBU, she was a VS PINK campus rep, and an active member of Her Campus @ SBU. When she isn't writing, you can find Julia reading a smutty romance novel, hitting up her local crystal shop, or thrifting with an iced oat milk latte in hand. She's a Capricorn (but you probably already knew that) and a practicing yogi.