The smell of pumpkin spice and the rustle of leaves through the wind signals the approach of Thanksgiving. It’s a time for family, feasting, and maybe even coming out to your loved ones. Coming out to your family is a significant and personal decision, and the timing can be just as important as the way you choose to share your news. Thanksgiving, with its focus on family and togetherness, might seem like an ideal time to come out. However, it’s important to consider your family’s dynamics and individual relationships before making such a big decision.
Some people find that sharing their identity during a holiday gathering, surrounded by loved ones, allows for a more natural conversation. Other people may prefer a more private setting, such as a one-on-one conversation or even a letter. Ultimately, the best approach depends on your comfort level and your expectations for your family’s reaction.
It’s important to prepare for a wide range of possible responses, from acceptance and support to shock, conduction, and maybe even rejection. Having a support system in place, whether it’s friends, a therapist, or an LGBTQ+ organization, can be invaluable during this process. If you’re considering coming out before Thanksgiving, I spoke with Josh Curie, a licensed social worker and owner and clinical director of Josh Curie and Associates Therapy in Ferndale, Michigan, to better prepare you for anything that may happen before, during, and after coming out to your family.
Prepare yourself emotionally.
Preparing yourself emotionally to come out before Thanksgiving can make a daunting conversation more manageable. “I think it is important to mentally prepare for the possibility of mixed reactions, or sometimes, little to no reaction at all,” Curie says. “While folks love to have positive affirmations, this is not always the case and sometimes the reactions are negative or almost anticlimactic.” Start by reflecting on why you want to come out now and what you hope this experience will bring. Additionally, recognize that it is okay for you to feel a mix of emotions, such as excitement, fear, or guilt.
Take some time to build and reflect with your support network and practice self-compassion, always reminding yourself that your journey is valid, and you don’t owe explanations to anyone. Anticipate the variety of responses you might receive, but remember that their reaction is not a measure of your worth or identity. “I think it is important to think about coming out as not a single conversation, but an ongoing conversation,” Curie says. “Some folks might respond with shocked expressions and their initial reaction may not be indicative of where they end up. People need time to process new information and even if folks are not always immediately supportive, some will do the work over time to become supportive and/or an ally.”
Find the right moment.
Choosing the right moment to come out to your family can make all the difference in creating a supportive, meaningful experience. Pick a time when conversations aren’t too rushed or crowded, so everyone can listen and respond thoughtfully — or you could pick a quiet moment, maybe after dinner or during a peaceful morning coffee. This can give you and your family the space to process the conversation and connect. Try to avoid choosing moments of heightened stress, like right before a big meal, or when family members are busy preparing food or traveling, as these can lead to distractions or heightened emotions.
Before the conversation is had, consider how you want to approach it. Some people may prefer a direct and straightforward approach, while others may feel more comfortable with the conversation happening gradually. Whatever method you choose and feels right to you, make sure it feels authentic and allows you to express yourself fully.
It’s also important to be prepared for a range of reactions. Some family members may be immediately supportive, while others may need more time to process the information given to them. Be patient and understanding, but remove yourself if you start to feel unsafe. Remember that everyone’s journey is different. If you encounter resistance or negativity, don’t be afraid to seek support from friends, therapists, or LGBTQ+ organizations.
“I think it is important to think about the consequences of things not going well,” Curie says. “Some folks will wait to come out until they are fully independent and able to support themselves, especially if they believe that their family or friends will be unsupportive.” By finding the right time for yourself and your family, you will set the stage for a more open, receptive environment that will help to ensure the conversation is thoughtful and considerate for everyone involved.
Use self-care to manage stress and anxiety.
Practicing self-care is essential to managing stress and anxiety before, during, and after this process. “Deep breathing and getting some fresh air prior to the conversation may be helpful in reducing stress and anxiety connected to coming out,” Curie says. You could also do activities like journaling, mindful walks, and spending time with friends to help calm and center yourself. Always remind yourself that you are not alone in your journey and stay open to different ways you could come out to your family instead of having a face-to-face conversation.
“Sometimes, writing down the information you want to share can feel easier or better than talking on the spot. So if writing a coming out letter proves helpful, by all means, write out what you want to communicate and read it or give it to who you are coming out to,” Curie says. Remember that this can be a stressful conversation to have and you should do it in a way that is safe and comfortable for you.
Allow your family time to process.
We can’t always predict what will happen during these kinds of conversations. Handing the unexpected can be one of the toughest and scariest parts of coming out to family, especially during the heightened emotions of the holiday season. It is natural to imagine a range of possible responses when preparing to share something deeply personal and significant.
If your family reacts differently than you hope, take a deep breath and remember that their initial reaction doesn’t define who you are and your relationship moving forward. “Sometimes religion, fear, or simply never having a close relationship with another queer person informs their feelings,” Curie says. “While we do not have to agree with their response, it can be helpful to understand what informs their beliefs and feelings — if folks are open to fielding questions from family members or friends, sometimes providing education or history can be helpful.”
It may take time for the conversation to settle with your loved ones and try to focus on the strength it took to share your truth and not their reactions.
When considering coming out to family before the holiday, it is completely okay to feel a mix of excitement and anxiety. The timing is personal, and taking steps to feel supported and prepared is crucial. Whether you choose to have a one-on-one conversation, write a heartfelt letter, or even face your family head-on, focus on what makes you most comfortable and safe. Above all, allow yourself to feel proud of sharing your authentic self. It is a powerful step towards building open, honest connections with the people you love. As the holiday season approaches, remember that while reactions may vary, choosing to be true to yourself is an invaluable gift.