You Didn’t *Actually* Date Them, But You Still Can’t Move On: Here’s What An Expert Wants You To Know

When you’re crushing on someone unattainable, it can feel like the world is ending. Maybe they already have a partner, or maybe it’s obvious they don’t feel the same way about you, but despite knowing all the signs are pointing in the opposite direction you want them, you just can’t let them go. Romantic feelings don’t disappear on the spot; it can take weeks, months, or even years, and sometimes, those feelings don’t ever really go away. 

Having a crush can often feel like an obsession, and in some cases, this feeling can border along limerence — an involuntary obsession that’s based on the uncertainty of whether your crush likes you back. Unlike having an ordinary crush, the limerent might struggle to think about anything but their crush. The ruling thoughts may flip back and forth between “Do they like me?” or “Do they not?” which can leave someone stuck between hope and incertitude for an extensive amount of time.

When your feelings for someone are that strong and that dependent on your crush, it can be even more difficult to move on. But, luckily for those of you struggling, I spoke with sex and relationship therapist Dr. Deb Laino about how you can navigate getting over someone you never dated. 

WHAT MAKES IT SO DIFFICULT TO MOVE ON?

Moving on from a crush can be mentally taxing, and it’s especially difficult because of how much a person might fantasize. “Often, people fall ‘in love’ with what could be or the ‘story’ they make up in their minds,” Dr. Laino tells Her Campus. “Many people obsess over what could have been.” 

Everyone fantasizes about things they might want, especially in daydreams, but when we fantasize about our crushes, we can easily slip into idealizing them; when this happens, we can fall in love with the version of them we create in our heads — the one without flaws. A person’s attachment to this romanticized version can keep them clinging to their crush, and when it comes to trying to get over them, the task can feel debilitating. 

“Self-esteem and self-worth can be lower in these situations,” Laino adds. “These are generally mourning situations — mourning over the ‘What ifs’ and mourning over what one could have had. It is important to look deeper into oneself to understand what narratives are being said to oneself.” 

With social media and dating apps being easily accessible, as Laino says, there’s always the constant reminder or obsession to check your crush’s social media page or keep tabs on how they’re doing and if they’re in a romantic relationship as well, making moving on trickier to manage. 

THE KEY TO GETTING OVER YOUR CRUSH IS TO STEP AWAY.

While it doesn’t hurt to have an open discussion with your crush, if it’s certain they don’t reciprocate your feelings, then it’s best to cut all ties to them either for a period of time, or even forever. Cutting ties gives you more freedom to focus your energy on things that will help you grow as a person: you can find new hobbies, exercise to release good endorphins, or talk with trusted friends as a support system. 

On the flip side, many people prefer not to completely cut ties with someone they’re crushing over, while others want to remain as close friends. “It rarely works to remain friends when someone who has feelings for someone and the other doesn’t, as the other person who has feelings often gets hurt again,” Laino states. It will probably be difficult for anyone to think about their crush getting with someone else, especially while you’re still friends with them, so taking a significant amount of time away is always the best course of action. 

However, if you decide to remain friends with your crush, Laino recommends taking things slow and focusing on romantic disconnection, as you need time to work through your feelings. To disconnect, reducing communication, and cultivating other relationships can be a great resolution to channeling your romantic feelings into platonic ones. 

Overall, prioritizing your mental health is what matters most, and taking some time to reflect on your core values when it comes to relationships is a good way to figure out how you want to approach dating in general. “It is important to really think about the type of relationship that you want so you can hone in on how you want to be treated and what it is that you really want,” Laino emphasizes. “This will help establish boundaries moving forward.”

Reconnecting with yourself and establishing healthy boundaries is the best way to go about moving on from someone you never dated, and while it’s easier said than done, you’ll gradually find yourself in a better place with enough patience and consistency. 

• dating
• sex and relationships
• wellness