So, You Cheated On Your Partner: Here’s How To Tell Them

Everyone slips up from time to time, but if you’ve found yourself having an affair, then that’s when things can become a lot more difficult. People cheat on their partners for a plethora of reasons, as sometimes people might feel unhappy with their current partner or they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nevertheless, if you’re unsure of how to tell your partner you cheated on them, then you’ve come to the right place. 

While it might feel like the world is ending and there’s no coming back from this mistake, there’s still hope for rebuilding your relationship — of course, if that’s what you and your partner want. I spoke with sex and relationship therapist Dr. Deb Laino, and she filled me in on how you can approach the conversation with your partner. Knowing how to approach the conversation, and how to direct it, will likely create a calmer environment for you and your partner to be in.

Of course, there needs to be some maturity and open-mindedness when it comes to this talk, and luckily for you, Dr. Laino has plenty of important notes for you to remember before you tell your partner about your affair. 

Approach the conversation with empathy (and in person).

“Having these discussions in person is considered the more respectful way,” Dr. Laino says. “However, if there is a fear of reaction due to safety issues, over the phone is an option. Honesty is important here, and hopefully some remorse, as the other person will likely have hurt feelings or feel betrayed.” 

Expressing guilt and being honest about how you feel is key, as this isn’t the time to repress your feelings. Additionally, if your partner takes the news poorly, it’s important to remain empathetic as the conversation progresses. Affirming their feelings is important, as you don’t want to come across as impassive; this can likely make your partner feel like you’re not taking the matter seriously. 

“Accountability is important,” Dr. Laino adds, “as adultery is a decision that one partner makes that has a direct impact on the other partner.” Acknowledging that you made a mistake is incredibly important, as you want to express with great certainty that it won’t happen again. It might be difficult opening up about something that can possibly damage the relationship, but being candid can go a long way. 

Can you mend a relationship after cheating?

Communication is key when it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship. Additionally, being open about the circumstances of why you cheated is also important. 

“The underlying causes of why the cheating actually happened must be addressed as well, as both partners need to understand why this behavior happened,” Dr. Laino says. “For example, the partner who cheated felt ignored and neglected. It’s important to note that this is not a reason to just go and cheat on your partner.” 

If you do feel neglected or unhappy with your relationship, it’s always best to discuss how you’re feeling with your partner instead of actively seeking other people. If it’s to a point where you don’t see the relationship progressing any further, then it’s best to break up rather than engage in cheating behaviors. 

“Relationships and affairs are complicated,” Dr. Laino notes. “Good open and honest communication is important in any relationship. It is also important to be aware of your own needs and your partner’s and actively work to meet them. Having a ‘check-in’ conversation about the relationship and feelings once a month is a good way to prioritize the relationship and minimize cheating.”

Being empathetic and attuned to your and your partner’s needs is essential when it comes to any relationship, and being able to openly talk about your affair in a serious, mature way can definitely heal the relationship. It may take some time, but having patience and understanding is the key to repairing a relationship. 

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