Virginity is a funny thing, isn’t it? In some contexts, virginity is treated as a beautiful, sacred quality or possession that women should desperately hold onto for as long as possible. In that context, virginity is something that makes a woman valuable.
Unfortunately, if you buy into that school of thought, it only follows that a woman would become less valuable, less special, less shiny and new after having sex for the first time. And since it’s practically inevitable that a woman will have sex at some point in her life, it’s only a matter of time until that tarnishing and tainting happens.
There’s another type of opinion though, too, one that is built on the belief that being a virgin is embarrassing or even unattractive, and consequently, a woman’s virginity should be lost as soon as possible. In this context, virginity is not something that is lost so much as something that is discarded or rejected.
Personally, I don’t buy into either of the above belief systems. I don’t think virginity is good or bad; I don’t think sex makes you impure or more attractive. I certainly don’t think virginity is the trait in which a woman’s value is rooted. All virginity means to me is lack of sexual intercourse. Sex is just another part of life, and that’s all there is to it.
Unfortunately, whether we like it or not, sex is a part of life that becomes larger and more important as we get older, and high school and college girls are the ones most affected by it. The pressure to lose your V-card can be overwhelming, and the consequences of doing so can be anything from the happiest day of your life to completely catastrophic. Ultimately, the decision to “give it up” lies with you alone.
So how do you know when the moment is right?
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High School
On average, girls have sex for the first time around the age of 17, according to a study run by newstrategist.com. So when you get to that age and it feels like everyone’s doing it, it’s because most of them really are. In fact, according to the same source, the majority of teens, boys and girls alike, have sex by the time they’re 18.
But “average” and “the majority” have never been things to strive for, so why should those statistics influence your decision? Listen to the advice of girls who made the choice to have sex in high school, and use those stories to make well-educated choices.
“I lost it my senior year in high school when I was 17 to my boyfriend at the time. We had only been dating for two months, but his ex-girlfriend and him had done the deed practically every day when they were together. I felt pressured by that and also by the fact that all of my friends had already lost their virginity. Honestly, my first time was more of a ‘time to get it over with’ deal rather than something really special.” – Leanna, NYU
“I lost it in high school when I was a freshman (not my proudest detail) in a white jeep (also not my proudest detail) to my boyfriend at the time who I ended up dating for about 4 years and I can honestly say was my first true love. However, it definitely made the relationship much more intense than it would have been if we hadn’t lost our virginities to each other. He was a junior in high school (3 years older than me) but he was a virgin at the time too. I don’t regret losing my virginity to him but I do regret how young I was because I really wasn’t ready for the attachment that I was going to feel to him because of it when I was only in high school.” – Jessica, University of Miami
“My most serious high school relationship was during my senior year… Looking back on it now, I think I let things move too fast. We both agreed that we’d have fun fooling around… but I think that ended up being an excuse to move forward too soon. He pushed, and even though I pride myself on being confident/incredibly stubborn, I still let him call most of the shots when it came to our sexual relationship. I ended it before we actually had intercourse, but we got really, really close. Thinking back now, it’s easy to block everything we did out of my mind (we didn’t end on good terms), but I think if we had actually had sex it would have been much harder for me and I probably would have regretted it forever.” – Tamara, University of Michigan
“I lost my virginity to my boyfriend when I was 16. I don’t regret it, but if I had the choice, I would have done it much differently. We dated all through the rest of high school, and honestly, we didn’t have a great relationship. I don’t think either of us was very happy with each other, but we were so physically attached that we just couldn’t be apart. Distance, growing older, and dating other people gave me the perspective to see he wasn’t the right guy for me, although being my first will always make him special.” – Gloria, Mount Holyoke College
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College
According to a study by the National Survey of Family Growth, by the time we enter college, only a little over half of teenagers have had sex. Yes, it’s still the majority, but the number isn’t as high as it may seem. In fact, only 56% of boys and 58% of girls have had sex by age 18. However, college is a very different scene than high school. On campus, sex and dating are much more casual – while many high school girls’ first times were with serious boyfriends, college girls’ first times are more likely to happen outside of a committed relationship. For some girls, that’s just what they need to be comfortable, but for others, security and love is key.
“I gave up my V-card right before Christmas break freshman year of college. I went to a date party with this guy I’d literally just met earlier that evening and after a few drinks and some flirty chatting, I decided to go back to his place with him. I always knew I wasn’t going to wait until marriage to lose my virginity. I planned on waiting until I was dating a nice boy for at least three months, but that never happened… and then I came to college where sex was casualized so much! I expected to feel really guilty and ashamed the next day since my first time had been a one-night stand, but I felt unchanged. I saw it as neither a good nor bad thing – more like a relief that I had gotten it over with.” – Kendall, University of Pittsburgh
“I lost my V-card the summer after my sophomore year in college. For me, this was the point in my life when I was both mature enough and was with the right guy. He wasn’t my boyfriend, we weren’t in love, but one day I just knew what I wanted to do, and I let him know I was ready. I never debated it beforehand, and I never regretted it afterwards.” – Emily, University of Washington
“I didn’t lose my V-card until the very end of my freshman year of college. It was the last week of school and I just decided that I wanted to do it. Originally, I had said I wanted to wait and for it to be special and all romantic like the movies, but then one day something inside me just changed. I just wanted to do it and see what happened. I lost mine to a guy I had been seeing for a while. In the overall picture, it was what I wanted to do so I was okay and content with it. I never thought for once I should have had sex earlier, I didn’t feel like emotionally I could have handled it.” – Hannah, University of Southern California
“I was the last of my friends to lose my virginity, and held out until the beginning of my sophomore year of college to have sex. The first boy I had sex with was not the quote love of my life, but in my opinion I didn’t find it necessary to hold out for that special guy. The important thing was, I felt comfortable. And now I actually don’t feel as pressured when I hook up with people! Instead of worrying that they’ll want to have sex all the time, I know that I have experienced all parts of a hook-up (aka covered all the bases) and am more knowledgeable which direction I want the hook up to go.” – Logan, Haverford College
“I lost my V-card shortly after turning 21, as a junior in college. I had many opportunities to lose it before with guys I was ‘hooking up with,’ but I’m happy I waited. My boyfriend and I had been dating for 4 months. I don’t regret losing my virginity, but I also don’t regret waiting for someone who was 100% committed to me and cares about me deeply. Sex was physically uncomfortable for several weeks, but I felt emotionally comfortable and it wasn’t awkward. Getting to know each other before having sex helped us understand each other’s needs and likes, and we can communicate well about sex and what’s good and what’s not.” – Ariana, McGill University
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The V-Card is Still in the Wallet
Statistics are just numbers, and words like “majority” and “average” clearly don’t allow distinction between individuals. But when it comes to sex and virginity, it’s important to know that not everyone has found the right person, the right moment, or the right mindset for herself. Remaining a virgin does not need to be a religious decision or a health decision, although it may be. Sometimes, you just aren’t ready or you just don’t want to yet. Whatever the reason, if it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for everyone else.
“There’s no reason to rush things. I still have my ‘V Card’ and I don’t think that’s anything to be embarrassed about. It’s silly to just have a fling with a random person to get rid of it – I’m pretty sure you’d regret it. My advice? Chill out! There’s no need to complicate your life too early.” – Meghan, Smith College
“I’ve always believed that sex will happen when it happens, and it will only happen when it’s with the right person. Definitely doesn’t mean you have to wait until you’re married (there could be a few ‘right’ people), but it doesn’t mean you have to rush it either. I have yet to swipe my v-card, but my experience in previous relationships has taught me to slow down and really listen to myself better.” – Thandea*, Wellesley College
Girls Just Like You
Only you will know when you’re ready to have sex, and only you can decide how you feel about it afterwards. Whether you decide that your virgin status is something you’d like to quickly shed, something you’d like to give away to someone special, or really just a hymen that will eventually break is completely up to you. If the girls quoted in this article agree on one thing, it’s this: if you take control of your body and your choices you can’t go wrong.
Above all else, taking care of you is what’s most important. Before beginning a sexual relationship, whether it’s your first or your twenty-first, be sure to discuss sexual health with your partner – and that means asking all the awkward questions. Has he/she been checked for STDs/STIs? Have you? What type of contraception will you be using? And what will you do if something goes wrong (ex. The condom breaks, slips off, etc)? Communication about these issues and any others is the top priority.
Sex is serious, but when all is said and done, it’s just a physical act. What you take away from it is completely up to you. When it comes to losing her virginity, the best any girl can do is make smart choices and understand the consequences of her actions, as well as how to keep herself safe. As Rachael Brandt from UC Davis so eloquently put it, “Virginity and sex mean different things to different girls. It’s what you do with your possession of either that shapes its definition.”
Sources:
http://www.newstrategist.com/productdetails/Sex.SamplePgs.pdf
http://blogs.friendscentral.org/9smc/2010/05/19/average-age-to-lose-virginity/
Conversations with college girls from various schools – information has been changed for privacy purposes.