This piece appeared as part of a series on your “number” – see the rest of the package here.
As we’ve seen in other articles, it can be difficult for us to personally come to terms with our own numbers because of societal expectations and judgement. So what happens when we throw another person – and another number – into the mix? A lot of complications and anxiety, that’s what. Below are some of the trickiest questions that we have to answer about numbers and relationships, and what the answers are to some of our fellow college girls.
Should we ever have “the talk” with our SO?
Let’s start with the most basic question – should we be talking about numbers with a guy at all? How important to a relationship is it to know the details about each other’s sexual pasts, and does the type of relationship we have with a guy make a difference?
“I think it’s important to know your partner’s number because as his number rises, so does his risk for having an STI,” Aysha*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan, said.
The risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease was overwhelmingly the top reason why the women in my survey said that numbers were important to discuss. And given the potentially devastating consequences of STDs, girls are definitely right to want to protect themselves sexually.
But if your partner gets tested and comes up clean, then what? Is the number still important?
“Numbers are extremely important to discuss because sex is such a personal and intimate thing,” Angela*, a recent graduate of the University of Connecticut, said. “I would need future partners to have a low number like mine because it shows that they respect the meaning of having a sexual relationship.”
Many of the girls referenced the desire for a future partner’s number to be similar to their own, because they thought that a similar number would reflect a similar alignment in attitudes about sex. But relationships can work despite a number difference, and not all girls think that a number is something that should be really important.
“Before I was in a relationship I thought that numbers would be important to discuss, but now that I’m in one, I don’t think they really matter,” Tiffany*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan, said. “As long as he’s committed to me now, why should I care how many people my boyfriend has slept with in the past?”
It’s obvious that there are things in a relationship that are more important than numbers, and how much weight you choose to put on a numbers conversation is a personal choice that’s totally up to you. But do you even have to discuss your numbers at all?
“I was told as a young teenager that you never discuss your number, and I’ve stuck by that principle,” Lily*, a 20-year-old at Harvard University, said. “With a partner, you should establish whether you’ve had sex before for sexual health purposes and leave it at that – elaborating would just make both people jealous.”
On a similar note, Elizabeth*, a 19-year-old at the University of Michigan, says: “I think anytime you talk about numbers you’re going to end up in deep trouble. No one wants to picture their partner sleeping with someone else.”
Another aspect to consider is the type of relationship that you have with the sexual partner in question. Many girls on the survey talked about the “numbers” conversation in terms of romantic relationships; significantly fewer women thought it was important to discuss before a casual hookup.
If you do want to get romantically involved, however, honesty might be the best policy. Ali Berlin, HC’s Dating Doctor and resident relationship expert, says that while comparing numbers isn’t necessarily critical to a relationship, discussing the past is important.
“Intimacy in a relationship is more important than comparing numbers, but one aspect of intimacy is discussing sexual health, the past, desires, fears, pleasures, pains and passion,” Berlin said. “More than what you’re actually discussing, it’s all about how you discuss it – it’s about being respectful, sincere and supportive despite the content of each person’s experience and disclosure.”
If you do want to bring it up, when is the right time?
Well, if you know you want a serious relationship with your partner, Berlin has very straightforward advice about the right time to talk.
“Talk about numbers and all other topics that may be emotionally charged BEFORE you find yourself hot and horizontal!” she said.
Not all college girls in my survey agreed with this suggestion, however, possibly because not all of us are looking for serious relationships with every sexual encounter. While most people agreed that numbers would come up at some point in an exclusive relationship, some girls thought it was unnecessary to discuss before that point.
“If I was really serious with a guy I’d tell him, but I’d never talk about numbers in the early stages of dating someone,” Jackie*, a 21-year-old senior at Harvard University, said.
Some girls also think that talking about numbers too early on could get in the way of getting to know someone for their personality.
“I wouldn’t want to know a partner’s number right away, because if it was higher than mine, I might feel intimidated or detached right off the bat,” April, an 18-year-old at the University of Michigan, said. “Later down the road, [when I already knew I felt a certain way about him,] I’d be OK with knowing his number.”
So what do we want from partners, anyway?
This is somewhat of a loaded question, because we all want different things. The one thing that we can all agree is that we’d prefer someone who’s STD-free – so make sure to use condoms, get your partner tested, and get tested frequently yourself!
But in general, girls prefer someone with a number that isn’t “outrageously high,” as 18-year-old University of Michigan student Susan* puts it. That being said, the girls seemed to expect guys to have a number equal to or higher than their own. There is a general consensus among the girls that guys have higher numbers than girls do – which, as we all know, probably isn’t true in all situations. Yet only one girl out of the 100 expressed a preference for someone with a lower number than hers – on the whole, we definitely want someone with some experience.
“It’s definitely worse for me if a guy’s number is low, because it suggests to me that he might not be comfortable being adventurous in bed,” Natalie*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan, said.
Courtney*, an 18-year-old at the University of Michigan, values sexual confidence more than a high number: “I’d like my partner to be experienced, for sure,” she says. “But at the same time, I don’t have to ask a guy what his number is to tell if he knows what he’s doing.”
But while we like someone with experience, the girls in my survey were divided over how much sexual prowess is too much.
“I want a guy’s number to be relatively low, because I don’t want to be just another girl my partner’s been with,” Marnie*, a 20-year-old at the University of Michigan. “I wouldn’t feel special if a guy’s number was too high.”
“Too high,” of course, is a very subjective determination. The girls in my survey had very different opinions of a cut-off number for partners, with the ideal partner’s limit ranging anywhere from 2 to 40.
For many girls, the solution to this delicate balance between “too low” and “too high” is to find a guy with a number that’s “just right” – which is usually close to the girl’s number.
“I’ve found that I feel most comfortable with someone who has slept with about the same number of people that I have because it usually reflects similar views on sex and relationships,” Michelle*, a 20-year-old at Mount Holyoke College, said. “And that way you know the guy can’t judge you either way.”
But what if your numbers aren’t very similar?
This seems to be the ultimate point of contention for girls – being “different” than the person that they’re interested in. There are obviously two fears here – that their partner’s higher number will make her uncomfortable, or that her number being higher than theirs might turn them off. Consider the following situations described by two women in my survey.
“In general, I don’t think it’s good to focus on the past in relationships. But I’m currently dating a guy whose number is just enormous and it really bothers me,” Amanda*, a 21-year-old at the University of Michigan. “I feel like it might be a warning sign that he doesn’t respect women, and I’m nervous that I’m just another girl to him.”
And, on the flip side:
“My number’s high, and it’s affected my relationships in the past,” says Lauren*, a 20-year-old at the University of Connecticut. “My ex was a virgin and didn’t find out my exact number until a couple months into our relationship; he wasn’t comfortable with it at all and it was ultimately one of the reasons we broke up.”
Berlin has some great recommendations for girls who end up in one of these situations.
“If your partner has a significantly higher number, focus on his situation rather than the number itself,” she says. “Be curious about his past, and talk about the reasons why his number is the way it is – maybe he used sex as a way to feel masculine, to get attention or love, to act out against sexual abuse…or maybe he just has a higher appetite for sex and a different lifestyle that way.”
But in situations like this, Berlin warns against letting jealousy drive the narrative.
“Jealousy and insecurity are obvious byproducts of the numbers conversation, but focusing on those feelings makes his past about you – which it isn’t,” she said. “And if a numbers conversation triggers a jealous reaction, then I suspect that those feelings of jealousy were already there to begin with, and probably would’ve come out in some other situation.”
And what if you’re the one with the higher number? For these women, Berlin emphasizes the importance of accepting your past decisions.
“If you’re at peace with your number and your choices, then that’s what boyfriends will respond to. Likewise, if you’re critical and self-conscious about your actions, then boys will respond to that,” she said.
Once you’re comfortable with yourself, Berlin says that a guy will be more likely to be comfortable with your choices, as well.
“If he still has a problem with it, then you need to realize that it’s his issue,” she says. “If a guy wants to judge you, then you can choose who you want to be with – a guy that holds your past against you, or a guy who wants to grow with you.”