In a 2012 ESPN tell-all, we learned one crucial piece of information about the world’s greatest athletes: Olympians are horny. In their defense, if I spent my entire life training vigorously to be in the best shape of my life and was then suddenly surrounded by attractive, like-minded people, I’d make it my main mission to get some, too. But this year, in an attempt to enact COVID precautions at the Tokyo Olympic games (which begin July 23) the International Olympics Committee is banning athletes from having sex in Olympic Village. And despite the new rule, one thing remains the same: The Olympic Village is still horny.
The Olympics began handing out condoms in 1988 in an effort to stop the spread of HIV among Olympic athletes who were getting it on in the village. At the 2000 Sydney Olympics, 70,000 condoms apparently weren’t enough for those participating in the sport of bed-hopping (they had to send for 20,000 more), and the 2018 PyeongChang Olympics broke records with the most condoms ever ordered at a Winter Olympics game, with 110,000 condoms up for grabs. This year, there will supposedly be 160,000 free condoms provided to athletes — which seems like an odd souvenir to give Olympians who are banned from hooking up with each other. Plus, they supposedly won’t receive their free condoms until leaving Olympic Village and are instructed to unwrap their parting gifts when they get back home. Make it make sense.
As it is, people staying in the Olympic Village are already required to follow mask-wearing and social distancing mandates and can face fines, disqualifications, or even deportation for breaking the rules. With four COVID cases already reported before the Olympic Games have even started and vaccines rolling out quite slowly in Tokyo, a rule banning sex in Olympic Village does have some merit. If regulations that limit spectators, high-fives, hugs, and enforce face mask-wearing policies are upheld, sex parties shouldn’t be allowed either, right? Yet, forcing the people known for their hot to trot nature to go cold turkey — and prompting competitive athletes to test the strength of their own beds — doesn’t seem like the best way to discourage Olympians from engaging in a little sexual healing.
After all that the pandemic ruined in 2020, of course, now it’s attempting to halt the most athletic sex party of 2021. The Olympians and fans clearly aren’t happy with this sex ban themselves, as demonstrated by this past weekend’s criticism of the apparent “anti-sex beds” in Olympic Village. Appearing to be made from cardboard material, many, myself included, assumed that this was yet another cringey attempt to deter the devil’s tango among Olympians, but was quickly debunked when footage of Irish gymnast Rhys McClenaghan tweeted a video of himself jumping on one “cardboard” bed — proving, once and for all, that the bed could definitely withstand high-impact activities if need be.
Olympians will face the biggest challenge of all: Keeping it in their pants.
It seems like the 2021 Tokyo Olympics are basically the equivalent of the cool parent that used to let you borrow the car and stay out however late you wanted, but is now suddenly insisting that you keep your bedroom door a full 12 inches open each time your SO comes over. I mean, rules are rules, but doesn’t sneaking past COVID guidelines and participating in an international orgy sound just a little bit more exciting? I’m not condoning it, but just saying.
Also, did Olympics officials forget that these people are perfectly capable of bringing their own condoms and other forms of birth control into the village? As I know maybe a little too well, just because you’re not being supplied with free condoms doesn’t mean that you can’t easily find them elsewhere — nor does it mean that you’ll suddenly avoid having sex.
Seriously, the people that they’re expecting to care enough to refrain from their natural needs are the same horn dogs who shamelessly did it out on the freshly-cut grass in the wide-open of the Olympic Village. Chances are, for those whose bodies are basically primed for sex, the risk of getting COVID, for which they will be ruthlessly tested every day in Tokyo, is not going to stop them. If anything, considering that the average Olympian receives endorsement deals and corporate sponsorships galore (hence making more than enough money to buy literally thousands of condoms), this might be the push for a feat even the Olympic Village has not yet seen: an underground condom ring.
As we watch our favorite superstar athletes break records this year at the Tokyo Olympics, just remember, they’re facing more challenges behind the scenes than ever before. Yes, they’ll be required to wear masks, abide by strict sanitation protocols, and participate in ongoing COVID testing, and still, be expected to perform at the top of their game on the world’s stage. However, this year, many Olympians will face the biggest challenge of all: Keeping it in their pants. Let’s see if they’re up to the test.