As the saying goes, sometimes love really just isn’t enough to keep a relationship alive. With collegiettes™ all over the world this summer for internships, study abroad, jobs at home and more, I can bet that some of you are beginning to feel the strain of distance on your relationship. Not only are you worried about your boyfriend being tempted by beautiful girls (who, sadly, aren’t you), but you, too, are finding yourself interested in other guys. So when does a little temptation and flirting cross the line? What does interest in other people mean about your relationship? And, perhaps most importantly, how can you remind yourself (and your boyfriend) that your relationship is worth it … if it is?
How is Cheating Defined?
In our current world of sexting, online dating, Facebook stalking, etc., the line between staying faithful and cheating has become blurred. While certain behaviors, such as having sex with a person who is not your partner, are clearly cheating, other actions are more ambiguous. How would you feel if your boyfriend grabbed a number from another girl? How about if he crashed at her place – on the couch – after a late night? Or what if he invited her out to lunch?
To help answer this question, I enlisted the help of J.M. Kearns, relationship expert and best-selling author of Shopping for Mr. Right, Why Mr. Right Can’t Find Youand Better Love Next Time. “My answer is simple,” says Kearns. “If you have to hide it from your partner, it’s cheating. If you wouldn’t want your true love to know about it – which means you’ll conceal it, and lie if necessary – it’s cheating. Apply this acid test to any activity, and you’ll get your answer.”
To apply this to your relationship, it is imperative that you and your boyfriend discuss boundaries before you embark on your long-distance relationship. If you’re already apart, it’s not too late! There is always time to improve your relationship. “When you decide you want to be exclusive, sit down together and talk over what that means to you and how you translate it into the world of smartphones and computers,” says Kearns. “You can’t get mad over behavior if you haven’t agreed on whether or not it’s okay.”
The two of you as a couple must define ‘cheating’ together so that you can have a healthy, committed relationship. Discuss behaviors, actions and intentions that are acceptable and those that are not. Use examples! Your boyfriend may think asking for a girl’s number is cheating, but he may not believe giving a girl his number when she asks for it is cheating. Remember, there is a fine line, and it must be drawn.
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What About Temptation?
No matter how much you love your boyfriend, it’s tough not to take a second glance at the cutie in the coffee shop. Should you feel guilty? No! “It’s perfectly normal to be tempted sometimes,” says Kearns. “Feeling interest in other men is normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner; it’s so easy to encounter new people these days, especially in the virtual world, that you really can’t avoid temptation.”
Although temptation and interest in other men is normal, there is a point where it signifies a larger problem. If you’re putting yourself in situations where you’re likely to meet a lot of other guys, feeling tempted constantly or going to venues that are meant for hooking up, then you’re probably (maybe even subconsciously) not satisfied with your current relationship. It may be time to re-evaluate.
However, if your interest in other men is just a small part of your life, then you have nothing to worry about – it’s natural! “Let’s face it, we all flirt sometimes with interesting individuals, especially new people,” says Kearns. “Flirting can be nonsexual but still harmless.”
Kearns notes, however, that when your flirtatious interactions begin to have a purpose (e.g., checking this person out as a replacement for your partner, sending an invite to get together privately and secretly, etc.), there is trouble. “I have a flirty personality by nature, and I love to meet new people,” says Megan, a student at Georgetown University. “I know where to draw the line, though, and I have never had a problem with my boyfriend because of flirting or temptation.”
Interest in people, male or female, is a part of life. As long as you’re keeping it friendly and fun, not secretive or shameful, you have no reason to worry about your relationship.
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How Do I Keep My Boyfriend Interested in Me? How Do I Stay Interested in Him?
“People cheat as a way to avoid facing the issues in their main relationship, for a little action on the side (simple sexual greed) or because the main relationship is dead but they can’t end it without the impetus of being in love with someone else,” says Kearns. “But it’s still true that if a man and a woman have enough good things in common, if they are firing on all cylinders, they are both less likely to stray.”
So how do you fire on all cylinders, so to speak? Here are a few simple ways to remind each other of why you’re together:
- Have Photos Around: It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day grind and forget how much you have with your boyfriend, so put up a few photos in your room or at your desk at work (if you have one!) to keep the good memories at the forefront of your mind. Send your boyfriend a framed photo of the two of you so he has something to look at, too!
- Send Each Other Gifts/Mementos: Every few weeks or so, send each other small, inexpensive gifts or mementos. Try to find things that you think he’d like or find funny, or get him something that reminds you of a moment you spent together. It will be a fun challenge for both of you, and it will show each other that you care. Plus, you can create even more special memories by being on the phone or Skype with each other as you open your gifts.
- Write Each Other Letters: Yes, it’s old-fashioned, but that’s also why it works so well. Write to each other about all of the awesome things you have done and the people you have met (of course, make sure to tell each other things you haven’t already said on the phone). Or you can be more romantic and write about the reasons why you love each other. Not only will it make each of you feel great, it will also serve as a reminder to yourselves of why you’re together.
- Schedule “Dates”: While you’re apart, plan fun “dates.” Whether you actually sit on Skype and watch a movie together, or you each have lunch at the same time (text pictures!), it will feel as though you’re connecting with each other even though you can’t be together physically.
- Look Forward: While the two of you are long distance, it is often difficult to imagine the day you will be together again … but you must try! Keep a calendar online – use Google Calendar – and update it periodically with fun activities you will do together in the upcoming months. Even if it’s “September 4th: Kiss,” it’ll be fun for the two of you to see what you have planned as a couple.
While you (unfortunately) can’t physically keep your boyfriend from cheating on you, chances are he won’t want to cheat – and neither will you – if you take the time to remember why you care about each other. “I worry about my boyfriend being interested in hooking up with other girls,” says Grace, a student at New York University. “But at the end of a great ‘Skype date’ or a long phone call, my boyfriend always assures me that our relationship means too much to him to do anything to jeopardize it.”
At the end of the day, cheating is about dissatisfaction in your relationship. Stay connected to each other, and it will be as if cheating doesn’t exist. “If you can still remain intensely engaged with a guy when he’s far away, if you can enjoy each other on many levels, that means that as a couple, you’ve probably got the goods,” says Kearns. “So take the long-distance situation as a kind of litmus test that lets you see whether this person is really a good match for you.”
If you want more advice on how to make a long-distance relationship work, check out this HC article on how to make a long distance relationship work over the summer.
Good luck, collegiettes™!
Sources
College students from across the country
J.M. Kearns, relationship expert and best-selling author of Shopping for Mr. Right, Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You, and Better Love Next Time
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