If you ever find yourself wondering what could possibly be going through a guy’s head, look no further. Our Real Live College Guy Jake will give you the answers to your most burning questions about love, relationships and the stupid things that guys sometimes (okay, a lot of times) do and say. Read on to uncover truths that men have been guarding for centuries (and to find out whether or not he thinks wearing a belt over a T-shirt is stupid).
My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship since freshman year of college, and we’re now going into our junior year. Although I really care about him, I don’t think that staying long distance is the right answer because I’m not sure if he is “the one.” I don’t want to make a clean break because I love him but am not certain about him long term. Would it be selfish of me to ask him to be in an open relationship in case I change my mind later and want to go back to being in a relationship?
— Caught in a Dilemma at Columbia
Did you just say “open relationship?” Who? Where?! That is most likely going to be your boyfriend’s reaction to this suggestion, which I commend you for making in the first place. An open relationship is almost every guy’s dream, and it’s rare to find a girl who is willing to try it. I think it can be a very healthy experiment that has the potential (emphasis on potential) to strengthen the relationship you two have.
You don’t want to go through college being in a long-distance relationship only to find that the person you’ve been dating isn’t going to be the person you share the rest of your life with. Even if you DO share the rest of your life with that person, you may regret not exploring everything there is to explore in college. I’ve spoken to tons of guys (and girls) who were miserable their first year or two of college because they were dating someone from home. When you are on your own in a new, strange place, it can be very hard to let go of something that grounds you and helps you identify with your roots. But college is a time when it’s important to question those ties and, in some cases, sever them. You will never have a better chance to reinvent yourself and try new things than you will in college, surrounded by people who are in the same stage of life.
So I would suggest that you try an open long-distance relationship and see how he reacts. If he is completely against the idea, and you may be able to see why, then you have to decide if he’s worth staying in a relationship for. It’s a tough decision, but if you feel like he’s not the one, then you may want to let him go. But, of course, there’s always the possibility that two you could get back together one day if you still have feelings for each other.
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If he is okay with the idea of an open relationship, make sure to lay down some guidelines. As much as I’m advocating an open relationship, they are tricky, so you must be careful and make sure that you don’t allow jealousy or envy to get in between you two. If one of you starts to date and the other doesn’t, someone’s bound to get hurt. Even if you both date other people, you both could still get hurt – see, I said it was tricky. You also don’t want to lead him on by continuing to date people because you like it but are too afraid to break up with him. That’s not fair, so you need to set up a timeline of some sort. Give yourselves a few months in an open relationship, and after these months are over, talk about where you want your relationship to go. If you like dating other people, then it’s best to end your relationship because, well, you like dating other people. If you miss having your guy to yourself, then become monogamous again. But be aware that just because you may want to be exclusive again doesn’t mean he will want to be – an open relationship is a two-way street.
If you want to avoid the messiness an open relationship can cause, then you again need to decide whether or not you want to stay with your guy. If just the thought of staying together depresses you, especially since you won’t be able to hit on that hunk in your Poli class, then I think you have your answer. But I really think a successful open relationship can make a couple stronger, as you could eventually realize that no other relationship can compare to the one you two have. Even if it’s not successful, you’ll be able to move on without any regrets.
This will probably be the hardest test your relationship has ever faced, but if you can get through it (or even if you can’t), you will have grown as a result. Good luck!