Real Live College Guy Joe: The Truth About How Much Guys Analyze

Ever wonder what guys think, how to deal with them, or whether instead of listening to you they just imagine you naked?  Our Real Live College Guy Joe will answer all your questions about men and relationships with wit, clarity, grace, and physical attractiveness (can you tell he wrote this intro himself?) all while imagining you fully clothed!  Well, usually – he is a college guy.
 

 
How much do guys analyze their communication with girls?  Do guys agonize over what time to text, what punctuation to use in the text, what to say in the text, etc.?  Or over whether they should text versus G-Chat versus email versus Facebook-message versus call, etc.?  Do they discuss this with their friends and brainstorm with their friends about what their text should say and when they should send it?  And do they analyze text messages and communication from girls, like what punctuation she used, what exactly she said in it, etc.?  I know my girlfriends and I obsess over and analyze all of these things so just wondering if guys do it, too!
– Analytical at Arkansas
 
Considering I’ve spent three days locked in my bedroom thinking about how to answer this question, yes, guys analyze the stuffing out of every communication.  Was stuffing the right word to use there?  I don’t know…  Oh god, you’re all going to think I’m a loser.  AH!
 
There’s not much I can say by way of advice in response to this question.  But I can assure you that every guy, no matter how many muscles he has or how many girls he’s made the sex with, is just as much a worrier as you and your girlfriends.  Should I leave a voicemail?  How many unanswered text-messages can I send before it legally counts as stalking?  Courier pigeons are out of date, right? 
 
Furthermore, guys talk about this stuff with each other all the time.  If you see football players in the dining hall talking about beer and throwing mashed potatoes at ugly girls, it is just code for “Oh my god, she called me cutie on G-Chat last night!”  Seriously, though, the most touching, angst-ridden conversations I have ever heard have come from the bro-iest bros I know. 
 
Sure, there are always those few guys with their cool clothes who couldn’t care less about this stuff because girls like them anyways.  But you should never go near them because they are smelly.  Plus, under any veneer of coolness lie years and years of wondering how many exclamation marks to put at the end of every sentence. 
 
Yet, you might ask, if guys put so much thought into their communication, how do they never fail to say such stupid things?  My only explanation is that some guys are just stupid.  We think you like bad boys because, stupidly, some of you do.  So if he seems hard to get, he’s trying to be.  If he sounds like a douche-bag, it’s calculated.  If he writes a woman’s advice column – well, you get the point.  We’re all just trying to impress you so that some day we can take you up to our dark, private bedrooms and do what we do best: over-analyze text messages. 
 
While you’re worrying with your friends about which words to misspell to seem nonchalant, he’s worrying with his friends about the same things.  Though he misspells words because he actually doesn’t know how to spell.  Fact is, he’s so worried about himself that he often won’t even notice your slip-ups, like if your voice cracks on the phone or if you called the wrong number and are not even the girl he is currently dating.  G-chat, Facebook, which to use, what to say – courting is one big worry-fest for everyone.  We should all just take it easy and do what we feel is right for the situation at hand. 
 
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go craft an email to this girl about a homework problem for the next five hours. 
 

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