Need Dr. Drew relationship advice but don’t have the sensationalistic drama to warrant TV time? Unfortunately, Real Live College Guy Ryan isn’t a reality show therapist. However, he can provide the lowdown on everything you’ve ever wanted to know about college males: how they think, act, speak and genuinely interact with the women in their lives.
Because we live in different states, I don’t get to see the guy I like very often. When we do see each other, we hook up, stay up talking all night, and I laugh harder than I’ve ever laughed. We have a really strong bond, but, obviously, distance is a factor. How can I approach a long-distance relationship?— Far Away in Florida State
Judge his enthusiasm towards dating. If you stay up all night to talk, dating has probably been brought up once or twice. So mention it the next time you talk over the phone: “what about if we transitioned our relationship from sporadic to permanent?”
Although don’t say “permanent.” That might sound like you’re trapping him into some ‘til-death-do-us-part situation that no college guy wants a part of. However, ask him innocently enough about the possibility. He’ll probably need coaxing since your sporadic relationship works for him in two ways: he gets all the benefits of having a girlfriend (the sex, the companionship) without actually having a “girlfriend.”
Persuading him out of this mindset could be difficult. If he seems interested, then you probably won’t need to mention more than the aforementioned “let’s make this official” (or something). If he hasn’t, point out that you two are already essentially dating—even if you only see each other every once in a while.
He might be hesitant because it’s the flexible freedom that he currently has that makes your long-distance fling worth it. If he doesn’t seem like he’s budging, that might just be how he views your dynamic.
The rejection (or his hesitance to committing) might sting, but look on the bright side: at least you don’t have to see him on a daily basis nor share the same state with him. If it doesn’t look like he’s going to change his mind any time soon (and when it comes to college guys and unwanted relationships, it won’t), start to phase out the visits. Re-start your game with someone inside the state of Florida.
Approach it like any other relationship, with the exception that most everyday conversation will come electronically—whether that’s through Skype, texts, phone calls and/or emails.
Because of this, long-distance relationships don’t work for everyone. However, you and your guy seem close and there aren’t any trust issues (at least none that you mentioned). Thus, if you feel that he’s worth the long runs of virtual contact, start up the interstate romance.
Communication is crucial, so make sure to keep in daily contact. Frequent texting seems to be the best medium to keep the flame lit, as it allows you to reply quickly and at your leisure. If either of you is in a particularly demanding class or meeting, you can always shoot back responses later. Skype also allows you to see your significant other, even if it’s only through a computer screen. Designating particular times to Skype and/or chat on the phone is necessary—especially when reading emoticons and 140-character messages becomes dry.
However, because you two are managing a relationship without being in each other’s presence, understand that not all of your talking will fit a concrete schedule. Be flexible and, most importantly, understand that communication breakdowns are inevitable. Again, assume that your boyfriend’s not avoiding you, but that he’s just got something going on (the same also applies to him about you).
Also, make sure to plan dates where you two can actually see each other. A long-distance relationship isn’t worth it if your visits are infrequent or always “to be determined.” Use electronic communication to keep the dialogue going, but don’t use it as the crux of your relationship. Utilize it to keep each other informed on your daily happenings so you don’t find yourself going, “so… what’s up?” when you eventually see each other.
These are a few rules, but certainly not all of them. They’re helpful, but you and your boyfriend will find what works and what doesn’t work as your long-distance relationship develops. Godspeed!