As a Real Live College Guy, I’m used to doling out advice on love in college. However, this week, I’ve been asked to explore female fashion from a guy’s perspective to weed out the truly bizarre from the downright ugly. The bottom line from my research? Women wear weird things.
Rompers
I asked many a bro for their opinion on this (and when I say many, I mean my four college roommates and a few buddies from high school), and some common questions included: Is it a shirt? Is it a dress? It’s like overalls, right? Well, it’s actually none of those. It’s really just a onesie made out of a potato sack. I personally like to think this “article of clothing” came to fruition during a walk of shame. Someone, somewhere, realized that her evening party attire was way too inappropriate for the daytime. In a bind, she found a trash bag, cut holes for her arms and legs and wore it to disguise her evening wardrobe from the judgment of Sunday morning churchgoers. Once she reached her dorm, she looked in the mirror, thought she didn’t look as disheveled as she’d initially imagined and said to herself: “Hey, this would look cute if it was made out of fabric and was tailored to fit.”
God forbid you’re a guy who gets stuck on a date with a girl wearing a romper. Hypothetically, let’s say things go well and she offers to come over to the guy’s place. Things are getting hot and heavy, but the guy will eventually wonder, “How in the world do you take that thing off?” If dressing like an overgrown baby hasn’t turned him off already, he’ll eventually have to ask how to remove it. At this point, the woman will have to squirm her way out of it, much to the amusement of said guy.
Wearing 10,000 Bracelets at Once
I’ll make this short and sweet––why do some women wear as many bracelets as possible? It’s not that it’s particularly ugly, but when you have your wrists wrapped in metal and leather bands it makes me think you came out of Pirates of the Caribbean. It also sounds like you’re wearing handcuffs, because your wrists will jingle with every step you take (unless you’re a belly dancer, in which case, carry on). My friend Zach agrees. “They’re not, like, that hideous, but it is weird when you can hear their jewelry coming before you actually see them walk into the room,” he says.
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High-Waisted Pants
For some reason, my panel of fellas didn’t feel too much hate for high-waisted shorts. They’re not the best, but they’re certainly not the worst. Personally, I don’t think they’re that bad. They at least show off a woman’s legs (which is one of the best things about the summertime). High-waisted pants, however, are a different story. There’s a reason why these were phased out in the ‘90’s, so bringing them back just doesn’t seem to make sense. My roommate Brad agrees: “My mom used to wear jeans like that, so whenever I see them, it just reminds me of my own mother… which is not okay.”
Just as we were finally getting used to jeggings, these pants made their return to glory. They’re washed out and awkwardly shaped, and they just look uncomfortable. Honestly, when I see someone rocking a pair, they’re usually super tight and pulled up past her belly button, and all I can wonder is how painful it must be to wear pants that high, let alone move in them. Ladies, you’re better than this––normal jeans look perfectly fine.
Maxi Dresses
For this last one, I actually had to look up what they’re called. After Google searching “sleeping gown daytime dress” and “ugly dress that drags on the ground,” I eventually found out that they’re apparently called “maxi dresses.”
The most common comment from the guys I talked to? Maxi dresses look downright awkward. Not awkward in that they’re particularly ugly or repulsive, but awkward as in it-looks-like-you’re-still-wearing-your-pajamas-awkward. Moreover, these dresses are an insult to men everywhere. A designer somewhere took what is arguably the greatest part about summer––the sundress––and decided to lengthen it so we can’t see your legs at all. Furthermore, in his attempt to transform a ball gown so it can be worn in the daytime, he added a dash of creepy. It’s creepy because whenever I see a woman rocking a maxi dress, my go-to assumption is that she’s either a tarot card reader or telephone psychic. There’s just something untrustworthy about them. In fact, my high school friend James adds that, “it looks like something Miss Cleo would wear while she read your fortune.”
In fact, men are so repulsed by this flagrant attempt to convert women away from sundresses that we may shortly begin a maxi dress awareness charity to banish these from the public. In fact, after writing this, I’ll be searching web domains for save-the-sundresses.com or why-do-maxi-dresses-exist.org.
Before I have a group of women attack me and attempt to strangle me with the very articles of clothing I’ve written about here, remember that I’m merely highlighting those clothing items that make us guys roll our eyes. We’ll obviously still overlook them, because, let’s face it, there are some things we wear that may be questionable as well (I’m looking at you, fedoras). Until Her Campus asks me to give fashion advice full-time, though, I’ll stick to what I know––the mysterious mind of the average college guy.