The first time with a hookup is always a mystery: When it turns out mind-blowingly good, we need to sometimes reenact the movements to our friends just so they understand the capacity of how good it really was… but a bad first hookup is just that — really, really bad. So bad, that you may have even done the taboo deed of “faking it.” (Hey, we’ve all been there.)
If or when you fake an orgasm, you create the implication to your partner that your hookup was some sort of life-altering, amazing, sexed-up experience — but, in reality, it really wasn’t. Faking it can make you feel awkward about the entire thing: Should you have been honest? Was faking the orgasm really worth it? And, the age-old question: Should you try again with a partner that didn’t make you come?
During the heat of the moment, we all can get caught up in our minds thinking about the negatives. In reality, it just distracts us from what actual pleasure is happening right in front of us. At that point, we just want the entire experience to end. This may be a one-time thing that you can just move on from, but what if they are nice and respectful toward you? What if they checked the boxes of someone you can see yourself having sex with regularly? Then things can get a bit complicated.
So, should you go for it? So much anxiety is circulating around the seemingly impossible question, but it may be easier to sort out than you think. I spoke to Gigi Engle, a sex expert from 3Fun, about whether you should go back for seconds after an unsatisfactory first go. And, if you do, how to make it better than the first time.
Think to yourself, “Was it really that bad?”
If your sexual partner crossed, or disregarded, any of your boundaries then no — you should definitely not go back. (And seek out support if the encounter impacted you mentally.) However, if it was just a case of first-tike nervousness, or if you really liked seeing that person, then there’s nothing wrong with giving it another shot. Remember: Not everyone is as experienced as they are in the movies, and everyone expresses themselves differently sexually — so don’t rule someone out if the first time was unsatisfactory.
But at the same time, don’t feel like you owe anyone anything — especially sexually. If you’re done after the first go, there’s nothing wrong with shooting a nice next and moving on.
If You Faked it, communicate it.
The last thing you probably want to do is talk to the person about the first experience with them if it was that bad; however, if they genuinely respect you and your relationship with them, you must swallow your pride and tell them. You don’t have to flat-out say “You were bad in bed, and I totally faked an orgasm,” but you can be honest in the ways that your partner can improve your experience if you continue to hook up.
Instead, start out by talking about the ways they did make you feel aroused, and then touch upon what could be better. Was it the position? The foreplay? Communicating how you feel and what you believe could be better shows confidence in yourself as a person — and your partner may find that hotter, too.
“Take some time to connect with your partner and reflect on everything that happened in a positive, kind way,” Engle says. “The kind of relationship you’re in doesn’t diminish the need for making sure everyone feels good about the sex that took place.”
If you do decide to give it another go, communication is key, so be honest about what your desires are. “It’s better to be honest about the kinds of stimulation that actually bring you pleasure,” Engle says. “So, ask for those things.”
When you communicate your sexual desires, try not to be super harsh or blunt about it. You may want to get straight to the point — and pleasure — but these types of conversations need to be taken care of so you both can get the desired outcome you want in round two.
Get honest with yourself sexually.
This may be one of the hardest things to do yet we must do it in order to fully understand what we want, especially with sex. So, what if you faked it? It may feel okay in the moment, but it may have negative effects in the long run if you have sex with them again.
“You’re now doing yourself a disservice because now your partner is going to think that things that don’t work for you, work for you,” Engle says.
If you fake it again, it will feel like it did before — maybe even worse. Although you may want to make sure they feel good, you shouldn’t fake anything because it’s your life (and pleasure), too. I Don’t stroke the ego: In sex, it takes two to tango, babe.
“It isn’t about faking anything for the sake of someone else,” Engle says, “it’s about doing what feels authentic for you and having respect for your partner.”When it comes to sex, you must be always honest about what you truly want from the experience, your partner, and yourself.” By doing so, you can learn so much more about yourself, and create an environment where you can thrive sexually.
Maybe, just maybe, the second time is the charm. Or, maybe, it’s not! All you can do is follow your gut, do what you believe is best for you, be honest, and act on the things that make you feel good. So, go back for seconds if it feels right. The first time isn’t always perfect, and that’s OK: Second chances exist for a reason.
f you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.