Look Out For These Texting Red Flags *Before* The First Date

Let’s say you’re texting someone you met on the apps (let’s call them Hinge Match #10) and everything’s going great: You both have a lot in common, and they’re saying all the right things — or so you think. You might be blind to them in the moment, but there are a ton of texting red flags to look out for before the first date. 

Maybe the chemistry isn’t there, or maybe Hinge Match #10 is just straight-up terrible, but a lot of first dates can end up being a complete waste of time. It makes you wonder why you’re even dating to begin with: are your standards too high, or is it a “them” problem rather than a “you” problem? It’s hard to say, especially when you’ve only communicated with your date via text. 

If you want to sort out the “bad” from the “good” in your dating pool, a quick way to go about it is by analyzing their messages. Sometimes reading texts from a new match can feel like translating an alien language, and other times, conversing with them is a lot like pulling teeth — but you’ve gotta endure it in order to identify all the bad seeds. And while being a bad texter isn’t a reason to flake on a date, identifying some red flags beforehand might save you the heartbreak in the future.

To help you understand what messages might scream red flags, I’ve gathered a list of texting red flags that should help you figure out when to drop someone, ASAP.

They send way too many compliments.

If they’re saying “I love you” or “I’ve never felt this way before,” run. Chances are, they may be love-bombing you; so don’t let the lovey-dovey comments reel you in, because once they’ve got you, all that cheesy, romantic business is sure to fall flat. I mean, it’s just kind of an ick when someone’s a little too forward, am I right?

They get upset when you don’t respond right away.

Beware: the classic “Where’d you go?” text. If they ask why you took so long to reply, then do yourself a favor and leave them on read. People have lives outside of texting, and if they don’t like that, then just move on.

They put on the pressure to sext.

If they lead with sexual requests that you aren’t comfortable with — like nudes — then it’s clear that all they want is a physical relationship rather than an emotional, romantic one. You want someone serious — someone who will go at your pace and wants you for who you are, and not just your body. It’s as simple as day: If they don’t respect you, then they aren’t right for you.

They are constantly self-deprecating.

We’ve all seen the “I’m close to deleting the app cuz I’m not getting a lot of matches. I’m too ugly.” answer on dating apps at this point. The minute your match starts the “woe is me” act, it’s best you get out of there. The self-deprecation isn’t cute. Most of the time, they’ll put themselves down so they can get your sympathy — an ego boost that they can only attain through validation. It’s not your job to make someone feel better about themselves, so find yourself a confident date that you don’t need to coddle. 

They put down other women.

If they want to flatter you by belittling the women around you, then it’s most likely they’re not a real fan of women, especially when they blame their “crazy” exes on their relationship fallouts. Some things that are particularly common to read can be phrases like, “You’re not like other girls” or “I’ve never met a girl that’s into the same things I like.”

They react poorly when you disagree or say “no.”

If you decline one of their offers or disagree with their opinion, how they react to rejection says a lot about a person. If they get upset, defensive, or just plain rude to your simple “no,” you’re dealing with someone who’s clearly immature. You deserve better.

They make fun of you.

While it can seem like harmless banter, if they excessively make fun of the things you like, how you dress, and more, then it’s probably negging — a form of manipulation where someone insults you with a backhanded compliment to undermine your self-esteem; they want to subtly belittle you so that you rush to them for approval. Don’t let anyone walk over you! If you don’t like something they’re doing, then say so. 

When you’re chatting with potential dates online, make sure to be on the lookout for these red flags before you set up a first date. Believe me, it’ll help you weed all the icks out. 

• dating
• sex and relationships
• wellness