Hosting conversations about mental health can be difficult. If you’ve never struggled with mental health yourself, finding the empathy to support a friend in the way they need can be especially challenging. Delicate topics like mental health often seem full of potential landmines.
In friendships, it feels like you can approach any topic casually. But when it comes to mental health, especially if you’re concerned about a friend, there are a few things you should keep in mind before you start the conversation.
Learning what to avoid saying in those conversations can be tough — mental health can be a touchy subject, and you want to make sure you’re communicating with care. However, by avoiding a few key phrases, you can open up a productive conversation with your friend and offer them the support they may be needing.
So, I talked to two experts in the mental health field — Ehab Youssef, a licensed clinical psychologist, mental health researcher, and writer at Mentalyc, and the Clinical Director at Healing Pines Recovery, Michael Anderson, MA, LPC — about what to say, and what to avoid saying, when you’re checking in on a friend’s mental health.
“It’s okay not to know exactly what to say or do when someone is struggling — what matters most is showing up with compassion and letting the person know they’re not alone,” Youssef says. “If you’re not sure how to help, sometimes just asking, ‘What do you need right now?’ can be really meaningful.”
As for starting a conversation with a friend, both experts note the importance of empathy and care in doing so. “I usually advise people to pick a quiet, private time to talk, where their friend won’t feel rushed or pressured,” Anderson says. Once the conversation is going, Youseff says, “It’s also key to really listen sometimes just being there and letting them talk can be incredibly powerful. I often remind my clients that you don’t have to have all the answers; just being present and supportive is enough.”
Anderson notes that avoiding blame and stressing compassion is crucial. “Once you decide to have this conversation, be caring through it and be non-judgmental so that your friend is safe,” he advises. “Follow up with questions that cannot be answered with simple yes or no answers so as to promote feelings and thoughts with the person. This enhances their bond and helps in understanding one another.”
If you think your friend might benefit from therapy, suggest it as an option and offer to help them find someone to talk to. If they’re not ready, don’t push too far too fast — just remember to be there in any way you can, and be willing to listen when they need you. The best thing you can do to support a friend, in the end, is be available when they need you.
DON’T Say: “Stay positive.”
Although you might mean well, these phrases can be incredibly invalidating. “These kinds of comments can be really hurtful, even if the intention is to help,” Youssef says. “They can make someone feel like their struggles aren’t valid or that they’re somehow to blame for their feelings. I’ve had clients tell me that when they hear things like this, it makes them feel even more isolated and misunderstood. It’s important to remember that mental health challenges are real and complex, and they can’t just be wished away.”
DON’T Say: “It’s not worth being sad.”
Phrases like this deny your friend’s emotions. Anderson explains, “When someone’s experience is dismissed, it sends a message that their feelings and perspectives are not valued or important, leading to a deep sense of misunderstanding.” He warns, “Without validation, they often feel unsupported and isolated, unable to share their thoughts openly. This emotional barrier hinders effective communication and connection, making it difficult to build trust and understanding in relationships.” To maintain your friendship through mental health dips, make sure your friend feels supported.
Do Say: “How can I support you right now?”
Anderson recommends asking questions if you notice a friend struggling. He suggests saying something like, “I understand that it’s a rough patch for you. Do you want to discuss it?” and explains, “Whenever we are able to appreciate how a person is struggling, but we do not criticize or blame them, it gives them space to be able to share. This builds up confidence and gives some people the courage to reveal their feelings anticipating being listened to and understood.” He also recommends giving a friend options so they can participate in the decisions being made.
Do Say: “I’m here for you no matter what.”
Assuring your friend that you’re there to support them — regardless of how much you do or don’t understand about how they feel — is crucial. “It’s amazing how much comfort can come from those words,” Youssef says. “Another good approach is to say, ‘I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I want to listen if you want to talk.’ This kind of response shows that you’re there to support them without trying to fix the problem or diminish what they’re feeling. I’ve seen how much of a difference it can make when someone feels truly heard and supported.” Even if you think your friend knows you’ll be there regardless, sometimes the reassurance can be amazingly helpful.
If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.