You’re going on dates, you’re texting 24/7, you’ve met each other’s friends and you’re hooking up on the reg. Relationship perfection, right? Think again. Instead, you’re “taking it slow” and “seeing where it goes.” And don’t you dare even mutter the word “commitment!” If only this wasn’t code for heartbreak. We asked relationship experts for advice on how to deal with this common dating dilemma.
The situation
It’s happened to so many of us—we’re “seeing” someone who refuses to put a label on whatever is going on between us, and dodges the conversation every time we try to bring it up. Sarah*, a senior at the University of Virginia, dealt with this during her sophomore year, when she met a guy in one of her classes. The two were assigned as partners for a project, and after spending a lot of time together and hitting it off, they began to hang out outside of the project. “I was sure he would be my next boyfriend,” Sarah says. “But after about five months of seeing each other, I learned how wrong I was when I asked him where the relationship was going. He told me that he wasn’t looking for anything serious and he wasn’t ready to be committed to anyone.” Ugh, we feel your pain, Sarah. But what can we do not to find ourselves in this situation?
How to avoid it
Know what you want
According to Dr. Wendy Walsh, a clinical psychologist and author of The 30-Day Love Detox, the first step of entering a relationship is to understand what you want out of it and be honest with yourself. If you expect long-term commitment, don’t assume that your partner (or whatever he or she is) is on the same page. You must absolutely communicate it from the start, without fear of “scaring him or her away.”
Of course, a first date is probably not the best time to bring up the fact that you want a relationship, but you should feel comfortable sharing how you feel once you are ready. There are plenty of ways to do this without sounding “crazy.” Try saying something like, “I’m kind of tired of the same old relationship that ends before even becoming a relationship. I’m ready to put my all into something a little bit more meaningful.” If he or she does not want the same thing, it might be disappointing, but at least the relationship will end before you get attached. Although it would be nice, your SO can’t read your mind.
Don’t make it seem like it’s just physical
Another one of Dr. Walsh’s essential dating tips answers a question many of us find ourselves asking: If I have sex with my significant other too soon, will it change the course of the relationship? There are lots of myths out there, like the ridiculous “three-date” rule that makes it seem like we should always have sex on the third date. While it would be nice to have a foolproof timeline to follow, it all depends on the situation.
For Dr. Walsh, for a relationship to be meaningful and lasting, sex should happen when trust is formed. When two people know each other and feel comfortable enough to open up to one another, they are ready to take it to the next level. This creates an intimate bond. If you have sex before you and your partner trust each other, the relationship will seem more physical than emotional and may very well continue down this path.
Derek*, a junior at East Carolina University, confirms that he would get the wrong idea if sex happened too early in the relationship. “If a girl has sex with me on our first date, the likelihood of committing to her is a lot smaller,” Derek says. “I’m not saying that I would think less of her, but it gives me the idea that she wants the relationship to be physical. If I don’t have to wait, it’s not as special.” This circles back to being honest with yourself and your partner: a casual hookup or FWB relationship can be really fun and fulfilling, but if you want more, you need to express it from the start.
When to break things off
But what if you are already in a not-relationship? When it comes to determining whether it’s time to break up, you should trust your intuition. “It’s less about how long you have known each other, and more about how much time you have spent getting to know each other,” says Stephan Labossiere, a certified life and relationship coach, public speaker and best-selling author. “It is really hard to quantify that.”
A good rule of thumb is that “when you feel you have allowed this person to learn who you are, then it’s time to make a decision,” Labossiere adds. “If the other person isn’t ‘ready to commit,’ then you walk away. At this point, the issue is within them, and may simply be an indication that they don’t view you as someone they want to ‘take themselves off of the market’ for. So walk away in confidence, and focus on you.” If he or she can’t see how great you are, this relationship isn’t worth your time anyway.
If you’re upfront with your “sort of SO” and he or she wants to be with you, the relationship-status change you’ve been waiting for is probably only a matter of time. But if you’re not okay with the relationship continuing without a label, and your SO is showing no sign of wanting to take it any further, it may be time to let go. The emotional torture of staying in a relationship that’s going nowhere is NOT worth it. So keep your head high and do what’s best for you, because you can’t wait forever.