Sherry Argov’s book Why Men Love Bitches has me ready to become a bitch. But not how you think.
A few months ago, after listening to me rant about a boy I semi-dated in high school for the millionth time, one of my best friends Emma recommended I read Argov’s dating guide, first published in 2002. At first, I was completely turned off to the idea of needing dating “help,” especially from a book that was suggesting I needed to be a bitch to get a man. But after hearing how this book changed Emma’s entire perception of dating, I decided to give it a try.
I’ve had my share of serious and casual relationships and have been on both sides of a breakup. But I always noticed that when on the receiving side of a dumping, the guy’s statement always started out the same:
“You’re such a nice girl.”
I never thought anything of it… until I read this book and realized Argov had me pegged. According to Argov, a nice girl says things like, “I don’t want to play games.” Guilty. Says she’s getting to know him when she’s bored out of her mind watching him do something he likes to do. Guilty. A nice girl overcompensates for her partner’s lack of investment in the relationship by focusing on being the perfect girlfriend, without demanding the same effort in return. GUILTY.
Emma decided to read this book for similar reasons. She wanted to find insight on why the guys she didn’t like chased her, and the ones she did keep slipping away.
“I kept having these mini little talking stages,” Emma tells me. “Why, when it’s a guy I actually like, does it go nowhere? And at first, it seems like … he’s really into me, like the beginning’s always exciting and new. And then you just get stuck.”
Argov addressed this with her first dating principle: “Anything a person chases in life runs away.” Of course, Argov addresses one major clause: if you chase him in black lingerie, he will have sex with you… and then run away. We’ve all been there, thinking something is great and then having it end abruptly while we’re left thinking, “Is it something I did or is this really just fizzling out?”
The power in being a bitch
Challenging outdated dating advice norms, Argov doesn’t suggest you dress to the nines for every date, or cook four-course meals to impress. Instead, she urges readers to keep it casual, make them think they’re still winning you over long after you first meet. Don’t be a nice, accommodating girl. Be a bitch.
“I was always making him food and trying to prove I was a ‘wifey’ type,” Emma says. “Next time I’m taking Argov’s advice and making microwave popcorn.”
In Argov’s eyes, a bitch is sweet as a Georgia peach but knows what she wants. She doesn’t wait on a man; she makes him wait for her. By redefining the word, she’s giving women the power over it.
By page 10 of this book, I was feeling attacked. I did not believe in the chase in college. I figured it was a high school, dramatic interpretation of collegiate dating life, inspired by the will they/won’t they tease of hooking up. I’ve said to so many short-term relationships, failed talking stages, and casual hookups that I “don’t play games,” thinking it made me chill and honest, but, really, it just made me boring.
One of Argov’s many analyses laid out in Why Men Love Bitches is that “the women who have the men climbing walls for them aren’t always exceptional. Often they are the ones who don’t appear to care that much.”
Argov swears this principle isn’t about how to play games or manipulate men — it’s about showing that you are an equal partner in a relationship and not the typical needy girlfriend from hell. As I said before, I didn’t like the idea of having to learn to be something I’m not just to get a guy, or having to manipulate someone into a relationship they don’t want to be in. That just seems weird. But this principle might not be too much of a game. By saying you only want something casual at the beginning of the relationship, you’re allowing time to get to know each other without the added pressures of forming a long-term relationship. Translation: you won’t spook them.
“I like the whole idea of keeping them guessing when you’re not always available,” Emma says. “It makes him try harder, maybe even think you have other guys in the bag. When you say you don’t want a relationship he’ll be like, ‘Wait, what?’”
This book has taught us to make it known that you don’t need a partner. Think Andy Anderson, Kate Hudson’s character in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Don’t show up unannounced at their apartment to cuddle, don’t call or text excessively; make it known that they want you a little more than you want them. And the general rule of thumb? If they want to, they will.
“A bitch requires an equivocal situation, whereas the nice girl does not,” Argov writes. “If the guy insists on picking the movie or restaurant all the time and has no regard for what she likes, the bitch will not have any contact with him.”
A modern update
For a book written in 2002, it’s clear to say its content was well ahead of its time. Still, some of its advice is heteronormative and outdated. It’s important to recognize that there is no one set of rules for how to be the “girl” in a relationship. As a cis straight woman, I found a lot of the characters Argov described to be relatable, but obviously, everyone’s perception of the dating world differs. In a lot of ways, this book promotes stereotypes of dainty femininity and devalues modern feminism. While I don’t agree with all of the principles described, the ones I did find truth in were informative, and the ones I didn’t led to a good laugh.
GoodReads user Allison shared her concerns with the book in a review written back in 2011. “How are you going to prove you don’t need a man around when you can’t change a tire or lightbulb without him?” she wrote. “RIDICULOUS! I’m not going to dumb myself down to make my boyfriend feel better about himself that’s his insecurity issues to work on!”
Other reviews have the same skepticism as I initially did. The book appears to teach mind games and manipulation. As with all advice, I encourage readers to take these dating principles with a grain of salt. Some situations and tactics are hyperbolized for the reader’s entertainment, while others are meant to be empowering but can come across as outdated. I do feel the general message of the book is timeless: know your worth, and make sure your potential partner knows it too.
When you find yourself shrinking your wants and needs to fit into an SO’s lifestyle, Argov has one piece of advice: slap yourself. Know your worth, and don’t settle for anything less. I’d recommend this book to any young woman in the dating world — whether relationship-savvy or not. Though I’m not exactly a self-help book kind of person, I learned so much about my own relationship faux pas and had a great time talking about it with friends. Overall, this book teaches women to have confidence in a relationship. It’s not about making someone fall in love with you, it’s finding the person who’s going to treat you the way you deserve.
So the next time you find yourself fitting into a role designed by the person you’re dating, here’s some advice: slap yourself.