A few months before my senior year of high school, I took part in a summer program that was two weeks long and very far away from my hometown (South Bend, Indiana to be exact). Thousands of miles from sunny SoCal–and from my boyfriend at the time–I considered myself to be in a long-distance relationship. I know, a 14-day-long stint cannot possibly count as “real” long-distance, but it really felt like it.
The truth is, I have never been in a long-distance relationship, but I have serious respect for those of you who are or have been. They say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” and while that may be true, it doesn’t mean that long-distance relationships don’t require hard work! Some days are good and some days are bad, and some days you just… fight. It just comes with the territory.
Handling arguments and/or fighting with someone you love can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, especially with the added element of distance. Read on for some tips about how to handle fighting with your SO from afar.
Identify the problem
Whether you’re fighting or not, the first thing to remember about any relationship is that communication is key. And when you are far away from one another, the need for good communication increases even more. If and when an argument arises, take a step back and remember why you decided to literally “go the distance” with your SO in the first place.
The two of you have to communicate to identify any and all problems. When talking, don’t leave any topics unaddressed. Discussing everything that’s on your mind and getting worries off your chest will help prevent similar fights in the future.
Emily, a senior at Michigan State University, emphasizes the importance of identifying the problem when in a long-distance argument with your partner. “My boyfriend and I are very similar in that we hate confrontation! If there’s a problem, we often try to put it aside or just ignore it, but obviously that does more harm than good. We have learned that it’s better to check in with each other and call out any odd behaviors we see. If something is off, we give each other the opportunity to talk about how we’re feeling in order to become more conscious of issues we want to avoid in the future. We hate arguing, but sometimes serious talks need to happen in order to get us back on the same page!”
This first step might seem simple enough, but identifying the problem is a thing a lot of couples avoid or struggle with. It’s very common for couples to try and ignore issues or “save them for later,” but doing so only leads to more misunderstandings. Remember, honest communication will only help you identify and address all issues within your relationship.
Related: 5 Ways to Overcome a Rough Patch in Your Relationship
Avoid the blame game
No matter whose fault you think it is, never pin a fight or an argument on one person in the relationship. You may not want to hear this, but it takes two to tango! Maybe one of you did initially start the argument, but how did you react? If the answer to that question is “badly,” your reaction might have actually been what made the situation worse.
Fights happen, but it’s how you handle them that determines your success as a couple. Listen to each other’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Work together to get through any bumps or rough patches and you’ll come out stronger on the other side.
Another big thing to avoid when dealing with long-distance drama is stonewalling. For those who are not familiar with the term, stonewalling is ignoring your SO, or using silence to avoid dealing with issues. Unfortunately, you or your SO disappearing won’t make the problem(s) disappear.
Lily, a sophomore at Washington State University, offers helpful tips on how to avoid stonewalling. “Communication is just the key to everything in a healthy and mature relationship. Unless you communicate that you need time alone to think, ignoring your partner will only do more harm than good. Stonewalling might even provoke them to do something that will upset you even more! It’s also really important to be mindful of how you confront an issue. Short texts and snippy comments might feel good in the moment, but they certainly don’t solve anything.”
Most likely there’s already miles and miles of distance between you and your partner, so try not to let arguments and fights create more. Even when apart, the two of you are still growing together. Just because the person you love isn’t physically with you every day doesn’t mean the learning and growing you do as a couple has to stop. Fights are a part of the process—but remember, they’re not meant to last forever.
Connecting across different time zones
This may not apply to everyone, but different time zones can play a major role in many long-distance relationships. When it comes to a fight, time differences reinforce the need for patience. If it’s 11 p.m. your time and 2 a.m. your boyfriend or girlfriend’s time, you may have to wait until the morning to handle an argument. College is extremely draining, as I’m sure you already know, so arguing over text when you or your SO is tired (or when emotions are running high) probably isn’t the best idea.
Emotions cannot be properly conveyed via text message. Face-to-face communication is obviously best, but for long-distance couples dealing with a time difference, calls and FaceTimes are a solid alternative. Talking on a regular basis is essential for keeping your SO up to date on your life and vice versa.
Emma, a sophomore at Loyola Marymount University, has been dating her current boyfriend for seven years. After moving out to Los Angeles for college, she and her boyfriend had to adjust their communication now that they live in two different time zones.
“Oddly enough, the time difference has actually made talking to each other a lot easier just because of the times we wake up and go to sleep! Usually, we call each other about twice a week, but if something comes up for one of us and we aren’t able to talk for whatever reason, we are super understanding about it. As long as it’s not a recurring thing and we’re still making time for each other, it’s totally fine,” Emma explains.
Learn to trust
“And I’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you…” Recognize that line? It’s from one of Taylor Swift’s newest hits, “Lover,” and points directly towards the next concept we’ll be discussing: trust.
I know this isn’t necessarily a step that can help couples resolve an immediate fight or argument, but it is something that I know will help in the long run. Trust is an essential component of any relationship, but especially in a long-distance one. A lack of trust can lead to an increased amount of fights, which can actually result in you and your SO trusting each other even less!
Whether you’re separated by hundreds or thousands of miles, it’s important to remember that you’re still “together” even when you are apart. College is a time for self-development and growth – you have to figure out who you are and who you want your future self to be, after all! So, when you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s just a matter of finding balance. You can still work on yourself and your relationship from afar. Back to what Taylor Swift was getting at, being far away from your boyfriend or girlfriend is hard for many reasons, but one of the biggest challenges is understanding that you both have separate lives. You and your SO have different friends, academics, social activities, and more that you each aren’t a part of…this can make it very easy for jealousy to come creeping in.
Lexi, a sophomore at Keiser University, opened up about the important role trust plays in her long-distance relationship, and how trust blocks out jealousy. “We talk every day, not every second. And when my boyfriend isn’t texting or talking to me, I’m not worried he’s up to bad things or cheating on me – that’s because of the trust we’ve established. When other girls talk to him, I go back to conversations that we’ve had in the past and remind myself that there is no reason to be jealous. It can be really hard to fully trust someone, especially when you have been lied to by people in the past, but trust is so essential to a long-distance relationship’s success.”
How you and your partner establish trust is definitely something that’s unique to your relationship, but that trust should stretch as far as the relationship does! Moral of the story: don’t let distance destroy the trust you’ve worked so hard to build as a couple.
Don’t put the rest of your life on hold
It can be very challenging to find a balance between being invested in a relationship – especially a long-distance one – while also remaining invested in yourself. When in a fight, for example, it can be easy to let the arguments you’ve been having with your SO take over your entire day. Instead of moping forever, it’s crucial you remember that you both have your own lives to live!
Sophia, a sophomore at Pepperdine University, opened up about how the decision to study abroad affected her and her relationship. “One issue that came up was when I was applying to go abroad for the next school year. It was hard because clearly, I didn’t want to have to move even farther away from my boyfriend, but I also didn’t know what our future was going to hold. I had to think about my future, too. In college, it can be extremely difficult to be in a relationship of any kind, since this time in our lives is so future-oriented. We have to set goals and plans for ourselves, but we also don’t want to leave our SO’s in the dust.”
So much hard work goes into the maintenance of a long-distance relationship. Balancing school, a social life, and your love life can be…well, a lot! Fights may arise from time to time, but so many lessons can be learned in how you handle these arguments. All of the effort, love, patience, and miles between you and your long-distance SO are most definitely not for nothing. After all, the longer the wait, the sweeter the kiss.